Rate my draft essay for my mock O level paper
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A lone tank cruised silently across the star strewn sky of Oman.It was a time of political unrest, where Saddam Hussien had invaded Kuwait to secure oil derricks to fund his failed military conquest of Iran. The world had condemned Saddam and ordered him to withdraw or face damning consequences.When this failed to provoke the withdrawal, the UN passed a resolution,ordering the start of Operation Desert Storm.
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In the Gunner's Hatch of the M1A1 Abrams tank, Private Danny Howard yawned.He was tired from patrolling the streets;His shift would end soon .he barely suppressed his glee at this machine of death that could vanquish any Iraqi T-72 tank without so much a scratch.The Abrams had Chobham armor, the British's technologically advanced armor package that was also installed on the Challanger 2 Tank.It held several cartridges of Depleted Uranium rounds that was fired through a 122mm smoothbore turret which was shared with its German counterpart, the Leopard 2 tank ,as part of the partnership with General Dynamics Corporation and Rheinmentall AG. The Abrams's 1500 horsepower Lycoming-Honeywell AGT-500 multi-fuel turbine engine provided the grunt for the tank.
The engine whined as the tank went uphill, its gears straining to provide torque as the tank climbed a mini-hill.
Without warning, an improvised explosive device exploded at the side of the tank,throwing Danny out of it and killing his fellow crew members .It burst into flames as the ammunation cooked off and soon the whole tank was ablaze. .Struggling to escape the flames, he was pulled to the side and the butt of a AK-47 automatic rifle was brought down on his face, knocking him senseless.The tank exploded in a fireball amid the cheers of the insurgents, who had filled the streets. The ambush had gone as planned.
Private Danny Howard lay in a dark cavern, stripped and oblivious to the torture that the insurgents dished out.It would be many days before he would regain consciousness
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Lights. Shouts.
The room swarm into focus as he was slapped awake. Roused from his stupor, he struggled, but realised he was bound.The barrel of a Walther P99 stared into his face.
He recalled the night before and realised what had happened. -
erm....this essay....is okay but factually unsound
1. M1A1 Abrams tank COULD NOT BE destroyed by just a improvised roadside ambush, it take USA 10,000 7.62mm rounds, 3 AIM-69 Missles, 10+ HOT AT rounds just to create a hole at the side of a engine failed abrams.
2. Flames could not be so in an abrams, it had a ultra-clean and efficent extinguishing systems to combat flames.
Language is good
Contents: 8/15
Language: 12/15
Total: 20/30
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what if this essay is marked by a woman? Do u think she will understand a word of it?
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Originally posted by Maith:
what if this essay is marked by a woman? Do u think she will understand a word of it?
Rice would understand =)
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Originally posted by Beaten_And_Damned:
A lone tank cruised silently across the star strewn sky of Oman.Tanks got fly one meh?
Why cross the sky?Is this an essay or composition?
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your essay ended at the climax.
wtf? please continue with your story man
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In the Gunner's Hatch of the M1A1 Abrams tank, Private Danny Howard yawned.He was tired from patrolling the streets;His shift would end soon .he barely suppressed his glee at this machine of death that could vanquish any Iraqi T-72 tank without so much a scratch.The Abrams had Chobham armor, the British's technologically advanced armor package that was also installed on the Challanger 2 Tank.It held several cartridges of Depleted Uranium rounds that was fired through a 122mm smoothbore turret which was shared with its German counterpart, the Leopard 2 tank ,as part of the partnership with General Dynamics Corporation and Rheinmentall AG. The Abrams's 1500 horsepower Lycoming-Honeywell AGT-500 multi-fuel turbine engine provided the grunt for the tank.
The bottom part sounds like a cut from Wiki or some tank facts book. -,-
It is unnecessary, a compo will be marked based on your language and content, not the amount of facts you can fork out about your tank, there's no need to pile that in. Write like you're a O student, don't step it up to something else.
In order to do a better rating, you need to give us the theme of the question, I've seen many great essays but went OOP due to content and got either a borderline pass or a slight marks failure.
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VagueHart's right.. that's waayyyy too much general info needed for the essay. The marker might penalise you for this quite simply cos it really bores him/her.
You should try and describe the tank in simple, layman's terms. Something like "the rumbling of the tank's diesel engine reminded Howard of the young days on the farm in Tennesee" or something like that. Ditto the company names dude, seriously. Use imaginative, flowery language so that even a lady marker would understand all those military stuff you're writing.
And i'm sure somewhat logically, an RPG, perhaps one with dual HEAT warheads would have done the job instead of an IED?
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phail la... ur stats oso wrong leh.... and u write military stuff in compo they don understand shit they fail u 1 i try b4 but not o level jus class level work
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focus more on the emotions of the characters. go watch war flicks and take notice of the character's feelings. or even better, go read novels. also try not to add so much jargon in there. Totally puts the readers off. and try to rephrase your sentences, for eg: The 12 hour shift was clearly taking a toll on Private Danny Howard as he let out a lifeless yawn. Or something like that.
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Content 17/20 Language 22/30 I would like to see more character description. I can take note that you have apt knowledge of military software. However, it seems to overshadow & derail you away from the actualy story. Do focus on more emotions rather than flamboyant language.