This article was written by Ajahn Brahm in April 2010 for publication
in Inquiring Mind, a popular US Buddhist magazine.
Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen. Today on ABC TV (American
Buddhist Channel) we present the final of “Who Wants to be
Enlightened?”
This show is proudly sponsored by Samadhi Corporation Meditation
Cushions, the only company that promises “If you're not enlightened
using our cushions in this life, we'll give you your money back in your
next life!”
Now, with a great pleasure that I am not attached to, I introduce our
finalists: Ayya Anna Gami; Geshe Bo De'sattva; Roshi Sid Arthur; and
renowned American lay meditation teacher, psychotherapist and gay
rights activist, Ms. Amy Tabha.
Please welcome them with a Sadhu, Om or a Mu!
For new viewers of the program, here are the rules again. There will
be three elimination rounds where each of their holinesses will be
tested on their achievement of Enlightenment.
One finalist will be eliminated and sent back to the source after each
round. The first round is a question. Describe what Enlightenment
means to you?
Anna: “Having no self. In fact, as the only Theravadin following the
original teachings of the Buddha, I am the purest and most
enlightened. I say that if you have realized no-self, then be proud and
tell everyone!”
Bo: “Being so compassionate that I intentionally get angry at my
disciples so that they don't feel so miserably inferior in my presence.”
Sid: “Having no attachments. I am so detached that I am not even
attached to detachment, hence my cool new Rolex. Awesome, isn't
it!”
Amy: “Having great sex without the delusion of a self that has to feel
guilty about anything.”
Thank you, Your Emptiness, for your unfathomable wisdom. And the
first off the wheel and off the show is…
Who wants to be Enlightened?
Anna! And don't ever come back, Anna Gami.
The test for the second round is who can sit in meditation for the
longest time. So, Your Ineffibles, after the gong, meditate!
…GONGGG
After two minutes, Amy opens here eyes and checks her mobile for
SMS's. Sid lasts a whole hour. But Bo sits still for so long that the
medics on the show decide he is dead and cremate him.
Bo, gone to suchness. A big round of “Om” sweet “Om'” for Bo,
please. Now, only Sid and Amy remain.
The final round, and isn't this exciting, that will decide who is the
winner of “Who Wants to be Enlightened?” Sid and Amy, I now want
you to demonstrate on live TV a psychic power.
Sid closes his eyes, focuses deep within, and with a rush of piti (ecstacy)
he floats up into the air like a feather on the breeze. Higher and higher
Sid levitates above the stage until the awestruck audience bursts into
thunderous applause.
So loud is their cheering that it interrupts Sid's concentration,
destroying his psychic power, and causing him to come crashing back
down on the stage. Breaking his neck, he dies instantly.
Many in the audience gain Satori, Sid returns to the ground of all
being, and a new koan is born.
With only one contestant remaining, Ms. Amy Tabha, famous lay
meditation teacher, psychotherapist and environmental campaigner, is
declared winner of “Who Wants to be Enlightened?” and presented
with a special, limited edition, solid gold meditation cushion – hell to
sit on, but impressive to look at – with GPS to navigate through and
beyond all the hindrances.
She was the only one found wanting.
If this bit of fun destroys some reader's craving to attain, or exposes the
fraudulence of anyone who publicly claims to be Enlightened, or
vacuums up some of the cultural dust that has covered up
Enlightenment to the point of obfuscation, then it is well worth the
writing.
Hi,
Thanks for sharing a humourous article.
Cheers,
Wen Shih