Rob Sheffield's Guide to Rock-Show Etiquette1. Don't say concertSay SHOW. It's shorter and saves valuable drinking time.
2. You're either in the pit or you're outAnd if you're out, either get in or quit pushing and shoving. If we wanted to be pressed up to a stranger's hairy sweaty body, we'd return your mom's call.
3. Less talk, more rock.When the spirit moves you, yell "DUDE, THEY ROCK!" or "THEY ROCK DUDE!" But if you really feel like sharing, take your chitchat out to the bar. The bartender gets paid to listen to you whine - we don't. Besides, the guitarist's girlfriend will kick your ass, I've seen it happen.
4. Slap the guy who yells "FREE BIRD!"Tackle him, break his left thumb, tell him the right one is next. The ironic "Free Bird!" joke was cute in the 1980s for 15 minutes, which isn't even long enough to play the song. You are only allowed to yell "Free Bird" if the band is really gonna play it, in which case, you are required to have tears in your eyes, a Pabst in your hand, a pretty lady on your shoulders and godless communism under your feet.
5. Don't block the rockTall dudes, you know who you are. Why don't you hang in the back where the tall dudes go, instead of pushing up front to block the view like Rerun chasing the ice-cream truck? I'm six-five so I just lean against the wall. Honor tall-rock-dude ode - or know that the rest of us are watching you and thinking: "&%$*.. what a &*@$*" I hate to imagine what short girls behind you are thinking, but it's safe to say that they're not planning to blow you.
6. Earplugs are your friendsThe band is wearing earplugs. So are the roadies, the promoters, the burger ladies, the dealers. The band assumes you have earplugs too - that's why it cranks up the treble so high. So buy them at the drugstore, wad up TP from the bathroom, save cotton from the aspirin bottles. It takes only one bad amp to turn your ears to oatmeal. That's how old hippies become Yanni fans.
7. Don't bring the cameraPeople who wave digital cameras at shows are the same people who sit in front of you at the hockey games and wear the giant foam-rubber fingers that say WE'RE NUMBER ONE!
8. Don't worry, they'll play itHow sweet - you're shouting out requests. Look, are you really scared Ricky Martin won't sing "Livin' La Vida Loca" tonight? Wondering whether Limp Bizkit feel like doing "Nookie"? It's the HIT! They're saving it for last! Most bands are aware nobody gives a giraffe's nads about their other ten songs. Shouting for the hit just makes us feel sorry for them. BTW, Ricky Martin always used to do "Livin' La Vida Loca" first, sparing everyone the trouble of screaming for it! Thanks Ricky!
9. Woooooooo!!Noooooooo!!!
10. Dance on the tableIf you are near a table, and if you happen to be an extremely drunk girl, you must do this at least once. When you are an old lady dribbling into paper bags, you'll be glad you spazzed out when you had the chance. If this girl accidentally kicks you in the face, consider it an honour.
11. Annoy the security guardIt is your right, and your responsibility, to tell Tiny why he should let you backstage. "Come on, let me in, I'm totally friends with the drummer!" "Come on, don't make me text the manager!" Remember, Tiny hates music. You're the only entertainment he's got.
12. Don't bring CourtneyLife is difficult enough