divorcee with child
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I would appreciate if people around here, stop branding names to any character in this matter because i always believe no one is stupid or born to be stupid or wants to be stupid.
I'm not rushing into any thing but because the proceeding of dirvoce will be taking place very soon.
We need to decide on the matters of the child etc.
And i'm not forcing her to give up the child. Any decision made will be with the approval of both of us and not just for the wellfare of myself.
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Originally posted by 0petslave0:
I would appreciate if people around here, stop branding names to any character in this matter because i always believe no one is stupid or born to be stupid or wants to be stupid.
I'm not rushing into any thing but because the proceeding of dirvoce will be taking place very soon.
We need to decide on the matters of the child etc.
And i'm not forcing her to give up the child. Any decision made will be with the approval of both of us and not just for the wellfare of myself.
What is there to decide on the matters of the child ?
That woman has to leave her abusive husband , with or without you getting involved.
That woman has a young child that is not yours... and she needs to raise her kid... with or without you being the step father.
That woman and child is a package deal... YOU have to accept it. If you can't then just leave her alone and go find yourself a SINGLE woman with no excess baggage.
You don't like the set meal.. then go find another restaurant that sells Ala Carte meals.
So really, be honest with your self ...YOU need to decide if you can or cannot accept that child or not. And it seems you CAN'T. Best to leave them alone early.. before that kid can remember who you are...leave when the damage is not so severe.
And yes you are right.. she is not stupid... she is simply extremely foolish.
Her divorce is not over, .. do you know her LEGAL Husband can go to court and counter- claim she commits adultery ? Here you are walking around like you are her savior..
What is sooo sad about this whole ordeal is.... that woman is gonna be jumping off a shinking ship.. and onto another sinking ship... but this time... she's taking her daughter along with her...
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Originally posted by 0petslave0:
I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband.
Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.
She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.
Here comes the problem. the child.
I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine.
My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him.
Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.
I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.
I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter.
I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times.
Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.
I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.
e courtship period is over, and the suffering has started, even before the wedding ring is exchanged.
I don't think you can handle marriage to this lady.
She is in a difficult time of her life. Instead of helping the lady and her child, you are finding it a problem.
I hope your case don't turn into one of those cases where the bf hurt the woman's child.
Look, dude, you don't love the lady. You never did. Saying you love her, can't let her go, yearning for her, do not mean you love her ok. Think honestly, you lust for her. The thrill is a vulnerable woman, and you, the gallant gentleman.
Your fantasy is not working.
Love, you either have it or don't.
And you clearly don't. If you have, you won't be posting here. You would be determined.
The problem is not the child, the problem is you. You want to do what you are not suited to do, motivated by lust.
I suggest you put aside any romantic interest in the lady, and help her and the child, without complaining. Right now you are an added problem to her. When the crisis is over, then see how it goes.
I am sure, if its done well, she would appreciate you.
Frankly, I foresee, quarelling into the future.
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I do not think whether she keeps the child or not should be a group decision between you both.
Infact, I think it is in her best interest to keep the child, especially if she loves her child. I can't imagine loving my child and giving my child up just because if may harm the relationship with my new man. As a mother, priority to child best interests should come first. If she does not love her child, then, she should give up for adoption or something, as the dad doesn't sound any better.
If you believe she loves her child, you must support her and not make her feel like she needs to give the child up for a better relationship with you. This is the actions of a man who loves. It's putting her needs before your own needs.
From everything you have said, I personally feel, you will not be happy in the long run with her stronger personality now. This "talking back" part is never gonna change you know. You do not love her strong character, which is her true self when unoppressed. I don't have the feeling that you can live with it for life.
I kinda agree with mancha that your feelings for her may just be lust. And lust is a very powerful feeling and can make a man do alot for his lady out of it too.
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It's not uncommon for some mothers to "abandon" their children while they seek out better life with someone else.
Look at it this way, many of our foreign maids left their young children behind so they may go work as a maid in a foreign country. With better earnings, her children may live a better life, perhaps if she can save up enough, she may actually go back and have a decent retirement.
Like I said, if pet slave is truly some one capable of giving her and her children a much better future.. It's possible she may actually give up custody of her child. Hence the question, is he worth it ?
I know of a few woman who left for better pastures...one of them left her 4 children behind and went off with another man... A very rich man.. Now her 4 kids live like Princes and Princesses back home... Was it worth it ? certainly... She is now living a rich woman life with no regrets of divorcing her good for nothing but gambling ex husband .
So Petslave ... R u worth it ?
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TS has a big heart. I for one will never ever take any girl with a child. Just things with an ex bf is problematic enough, the obstacles you have to go through with a divorcee plus a child somemore is lagi lagi worse !! You have to deal with your family, relatives, friends' acceptance of this, gossip from people, taking the child as your own and whether the woman has you replacing the ex husband in her heart or whether you are just a floating log among the ocean to hang on to. Unless TS is able to overcome all these adversities, he'll be suffering endlessly. I mean, why subject yourself to such pain and unfair treatment in a relationship? You'll be much better and happier if you just find someone who can treat you wiith 100%
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Thank you all for your comment.
I certainly hope i'm not just someone who's she's achoring on .
Am i worth it? I guess i shouldn't be the one answering, but i'm damn sure she deserve much better than this.
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I think it rather should be you think that whether SHE is worth it? And whether you deserve to wrap up the mess the estranged husband has left behind? You have to be mindful that the soon-to-be ex husband could still be very much in the picture even after the divroce is finalised. He will have visitation rights to the child and it will be awkward for you, her, the kid and your family. If she does not love you the same level you love her, you're just there because 'the child needs a father' kinda thing. You have to be sure you wont feel bitter about this in the long run man. In this era, it is typical of women to make use of willing guys to their benefit and just brush them off when their usefulness runs out. Honestly, if she is not able to give you 100% and totally replace the husband with you, I urge you to just stop while you can, if not you'll have much to lose and regret for.
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Originally posted by 0petslave0:
I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband.
Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.
She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.
Here comes the problem. the child.
I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine.
My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him.
Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.
I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.
I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter.
I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times.
Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.
I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.
In a nutshell, there are two distinct issues; (1) of your relationship & (2) of the prospect of child rearing.(1) Damsel in distress can be a tricky affair, especially the part where it could fuel the man's sense of power and identity by playing the role of the 'Prince'. However, the finest print clauses that are not commonly understood but are unfortunately accompanied by one of these circumstances - is the history leading to these wistful stories.
You could easily be deem as the 'one' that saved her - but like a double edge sword, you could also act as a substitute or serve as a rebound for her to acquire some degree of comfort and other safety needs. How much romantic love is involved is probably as elusive as quantum physics; the fact is that you will never know how much of those are love and/or calculated needs.
Therefore, this mental fissure naturally arises, which brings about (2) - you subconsciously expect the relationship to be between two, but in reality, it is among three. Surely, the grandiose image of love having to save your woman from a terrible marriage does seem to project the all-familiar plot of having forces of good to battle the great evil; if we were to concretize this picture, the daft reality would simply be co-dependence and mutual fulfillment of needs (e.g. financial, social, sexual and emotional).
Put it this way: nobody enters into a relationship devoid of needs; on the contrary, you are in a relationship because you have certain needs to be fulfilled and that you are also getting something out of it. The dissonance only start to deepen if you are not getting what you expected to receive in values.
You seem to relate the seemingly lack of emotional connection and priority in her life towards you. Surely, it can be rather disheartening to 'sacrifice' so much for the relationship on your end (e.g. running into conflicts with parents, financial aids, childcare roles, etc) - that is probably where you get sore.
P.S: I suggest that you sought counselling services to help the both of you sort out various relational issue. You can PM me if you need contacts - if not, you can simply refer to some of the contacts we have listed in Aunt Agony.
Cheers
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That's all in a nutshell already so complicated, let break the nutshell,
Do what you think is right, do the right thing right the first time and make sure it is right.
The simplicity of an issue alway get sway by complication of a nutshell and all those flowering big word advicess that only good for GP and psychology papers, for me, as long as TS is happy in what he is doing, even if thing goes wrong or bad, no regret, after all, Love conqueror ALL
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advice is a noun, advise is a verb.
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and advicess is a adverb
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Love is unconditional.. Be it for the child or her mum.. Tricky situation as her ex hubby shadow will haunt her. Looks like she still hoping for some miracles.. But den Ts,we pray for you. Are you able to love her n her daughter unconditionally? Thats to give without expecting any returns?
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Originally posted by angel7030:
That's all in a nutshell already so complicated, let break the nutshell,
Do what you think is right, do the right thing right the first time and make sure it is right.
The simplicity of an issue alway get sway by complication of a nutshell and all those flowering big word advicess that only good for GP and psychology papers, for me, as long as TS is happy in what he is doing, even if thing goes wrong or bad, no regret, after all, Love conqueror ALL
The problem is he is NOT happy u see. He resents the situation with that child.
Better he be honest with himself now, it's very cruel to build the relationship with that child , then leave after the bondings r established. All because he cannot decide if he wants to shit or get off the pot earlier.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
The problem is he is NOT happy u see. He resents the situation with that child.
Better he be honest with himself now, it's very cruel to build the relationship with that child , then leave after the bondings r established. All because he cannot decide if he wants to shit or get off the pot earlier.
Too bad, guess he is one of those who do not like buy one get a small one free gimmick. I believe there is alway strings attached in any relationship, either money, child or asset, somewhere, somehow, True Love consitute only 10% if not nothing at all.