Constant Conflicts With Wife Over Housework & Finance
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Originally posted by Edward321:
Hi, I am 33 and just got married to my wife (same age). Lately we have been having tiffs about housework and finance. She just started working part-time and earns about $1K.I am holding 2 sales jobs, fetching about $3K per month.
I have been feeling flustered as she is not keen to keep the home clean. I have to come home to clean the house even after a really tiring work day.
Financially I also feel drained as I need to pay for our house-loans and many bills and expenses. I am not even sure if we could afford to have kids in future.
My wife became very upset when I told her to chip in, in our home expenses. She is still not into housework and she can't cook.We cannot afford a maid at this moment.
I love her yet I am feeling very frustrated about her messiness and unwillingness to help me lower down household expenses.
What shall I do? Divorce is never an option to me.
Please feel free to drop in your opinion.Thank you.
TS, can I know why is your wife only working part time? Is she unable to find a full time job?
What about setting time aside during weekends where both of you clean the house together? Make it a joint thing or set up a schedule where both take turns to do certain things. If she is messy, set up a corner in the house where she can keep her mess and turn a blind eye to it. At least the mess will only be confined to a corner of the house.
I think I know why your wife is upset that you want her to chip in. $1,000 is really peanuts in Singapore. Assuming she spends about $100 in transport every month, she only have $900 left. Are you paying for her phone bills? If not her own mobile phone charges, insurance if any, and stuff that most women need like haircuts, creams and lotions, clothes all add up. She will also need to give her own parents money and have some savings.
Are you giving her any spending money? If not, I think you should not whine about her $1,000.
I think a rough breakdown of expenses she needs
Transport $100
Bills (insurance, phone etc) $200
Money to parents $200
Savings $200
Haircut a month $ 30
Cosmetics & creams etc $100She will only have $170 left for food and other stuff.
Personally, I cannot survive on $1,000 a month. Then again, I earn more than her and my husband don't give me money.
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Originally posted by Kuali Baba:
(1) sounds like a statement from a cynic that I've read before, and (2) is going to end in tears when one party does the housework all the time and is taken for granted. The peace won't last for long.
*ahem .....
that's how ours works ....
it helps to have a good wifey ...
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Originally posted by av98m:
That is so stupid it barely warrants a response. What you have just described is a recipe for disaster for men.
don't you intend to share in the housework too ? ....
it's simply practical too ... whoever's home early and sees the laundry piled up to be done would do it ....whoever's free enough to wash the toilet and feed the pets would do it ...
if you choose to split hairs and keep a mental list of who's been doing more of the house work and who's paying more of the bills then you're just sowing bad feelings and cracks into the marriage ...
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Originally posted by speakoutfor:
There are many cases in my country whereby elderly man try to buy brides from vietnam but most brides ran away back to vietnam.One case: A 35 year old man paid $20,000 for a vietnamese bride but she turn out to be an ex army officer in viet cong army who know martial art. She began to physical beat him up and abuse him. Then she ran away. The 35 year old man had to go to a famous mediator in my country name Michael Chong. The viet cong officer lady came back and met with press to declare that they "amicably" ask for break up.
Second case: A 50 year old man married a 23 year old viet cong girl. She refuse to sleep with him and made him sleep in the living room. Got language problem. After 4 months - she ran away back to her village. The 50 year old man went to her village to persuade her come back - but was beaten up by her fellow villagers. Turn out that the 23 year old viet com girl already have a 23 year old lover cum husband in vietnam before she married him.
So the 50 year old man ask marriage agency for refund. No refund they say.
So you stil reckon viet cong bride strategy can work?
i saw an ad in china b4... RMB200,000 buy a vietnam bride .. guarantee 1 yr wont run away and confirm is virgin.... now i know why... -
Originally posted by I-like-flings(m):
i saw an ad in china b4... RMB200,000 buy a vietnam bride .. guarantee 1 yr wont run away and confirm is virgin.... now i know why...why?
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Originally posted by kengkia:
why?
as above post lor... if no this guarantee that mean they will run away easily or got husband so not virgin lor -
Originally posted by speakoutfor:
A country that has many similarities with yours - food, culture, religion and race. The only difference is that we are slowed down by the lack of transparent government system which seems to only favor one race and make the chinese a second class citizen. Red tape is prevalent in my country. Inefficiency, lack of teamwork and tidak apa attitude is also prevalent.Malaysian chinese are restricted by malay, Singaporean chinese are restricted by peranakan.
Actually, there's not much difference between malaysian and singaporean chinese. We are all dialect speaking immigrants from southern china.
We should join forces and work together to fight against oppression.
All the ethnic groups in Singapore can also be found in Malaysia. I think that is true.
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Well, today the tide had changed, more women are said to have affair than men, and gigolos are making big money down some of their club here. Guess I hv to close shop soon.
What is men nowaday??
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Originally posted by Fatum:
don't you intend to share in the housework too ? ....
it's simply practical too ... whoever's home early and sees the laundry piled up to be done would do it ....whoever's free enough to wash the toilet and feed the pets would do it ...
if you choose to split hairs and keep a mental list of who's been doing more of the house work and who's paying more of the bills then you're just sowing bad feelings and cracks into the marriage ...
Of course I am going to contribute to both the housework and household expenses. But that is not what you said. You said that it's ok for a woman to keep all her money, use the husband's money, and not do any housework. In other words, your 'advice', if one can even call it that, is for all men to be spineless, henpecked husbands.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership between two people, and not a parasitic relationship.
Are you saying its ok for the person working part time to refuse to do housework while the person working full time does everything?
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Originally posted by av98m:
Of course I am going to contribute to both the housework and household expenses. But that is not what you said. You said that it's ok for a woman to keep all her money, use the husband's money, and not do any housework. In other words, your 'advice', if one can even call it that, is for all men to be spineless, henpecked husbands.
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership between two people, and not a parasitic relationship.
Are you saying its ok for the person working part time to refuse to do housework while the person working full time does everything?
with regards to money, yes, I find it perfectly acceptable that my money is her money, and her money is her money. Maybe it's my neanderthal brain stem speaking, but to me, the man is the one that brings home the bacon, he should be the main, if not only provider, my stated goal has always been to be a good enough provider that my wife has the option to be a full time housewife if she wants to, and she can spend and buy whatever she fancies, so yeah, I don't call it being spineless, though perhaps a bit chauvinistic, a man should not be on top only in bed alone, no ?
As for housework, you have missed my point, it is as I've said in my later reply, if either or both parties keep track of who has been doing what for the family then sure as hell a quarrel is just down the road. An equal partnership in marriage doesn't mean both parties split the finances and housework down in half, if you keep a mental count of "damm, I had to do the laundry again today" or "damm ! she never do the dishes and messed up the place again" ... then of course, sooner or later cracks would appear ...
As the chinese saying goes, it's easy to get along, but it's quite another to stay under the same roof, all the quirks starts tumbling out. Each one of us would have some annoying personal quirks and habits that the other party finds very annoying, for all you know, this chap's wife may well have been biting her teeth and bending over backwards about some annoying quirks of her husband, like in my case the after hours drinking with clients and friends, my ciggy habit, my noctournal fishing sorties, my snoring, etc. If you start being "historical" on your partner, the other partner certainly would get "historical" on you too, and all these little things from both parties would come tumbling out, and then chickens would fly, dogs would jump, and the neighbours would make a noise complaint to the cops, and the bad feelings would fester ....
Stupid ? ... Spineless ? ... give it a shot when it's your turn mate.
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Originally posted by Fatum:
with regards to money, yes, I find it perfectly acceptable that my money is her money, and her money is her money. Maybe it's my neanderthal brain stem speaking, but to me, the man is the one that brings home the bacon, he should be the main, if not only provider, my stated goal has always been to be a good enough provider that my wife has the option to be a full time housewife if she wants to, and she can spend and buy whatever she fancies, so yeah, I don't call it being spineless, though perhaps a bit chauvinistic, a man should not be on top only in bed alone, no ?
As for housework, you have missed my point, it is as I've said in my later reply, if either or both parties keep track of who has been doing what for the family then sure as hell a quarrel is just down the road. An equal partnership in marriage doesn't mean both parties split the finances and housework down in half, if you keep a mental count of "damm, I had to do the laundry again today" or "damm ! she never do the dishes and messed up the place again" ... then of course, sooner or later cracks would appear ...
As the chinese saying goes, it's easy to get along, but it's quite another to stay under the same roof, all the quirks starts tumbling out. Each one of us would have some annoying personal quirks and habits that the other party finds very annoying, for all you know, this chap's wife may well have been biting her teeth and bending over backwards about some annoying quirks of her husband, like in my case the after hours drinking with clients and friends, my ciggy habit, my noctournal fishing sorties, my snoring, etc. If you start being "historical" on your partner, the other partner certainly would get "historical" on you too, and all these little things from both parties would come tumbling out, and then chickens would fly, dogs would jump, and the neighbours would make a noise complaint to the cops, and the bad feelings would fester ....
Stupid ? ... Spineless ? ... give it a shot when it's your turn mate.
Depends.
If wife earns same salary as you - would you still want to spend 100% on all household expenses? Maybe one should say that the husband should be the one who brings home the bread. But wouldn't it be fair if the wife isn't calculative all the time. Maybe if the husband parked him car at the underground park - forgot to bring some small change and ask the wife to pay - no big deal right? But yeah, I have heard stories from a friend who tells me his wife is so calculative that even if he had forgotten to bring small change to pay for parking - she wouldn't take any coins out from her purse to pay. That bad.
Or I heard a story of a boyfriend/girlfriend. Boyfriend decided to go for full time study while the girlfriend is working. Last time when boyfriend was working - he used to foot the bill on all outings - movies/dating/dining. Now he is studying and got no income - so he ask the girlfriend if they can go dutch - meaning 50/50 on dinner. The girlfriend said to him - that he must foot the whole dinner because he is the provider. Boyfriend was shock because he is studying and he cannot affort while girlfriend is working. He also say last time he used to spend a lot of money to buy girl friend lots of clothes/presents/dating. He wonder why she treat her back like this?
So ultimately Man wants to become provider but if Woman start to become calculative like the two story above - Man start to wonder if the Woman thinks of him as an ATM or sugardaddy rather than a husband that she loves and cherish as an equal partner.
If wife earns the same as the husband - perhaps she can chip in 30%. That is fair enough.
For sure every man of the family - wants to chip in some money in pay for his own hobbies. Unless he is very gifted with high salary or business income - he would have to allocate some cash for himself. Like a man - likes to enjoy buying a nice golf set/ nice car/ nice clothes/ nice watches/ give some allowances back to his parents.
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Originally posted by Fatum:
with regards to money, yes, I find it perfectly acceptable that my money is her money, and her money is her money. Maybe it's my neanderthal brain stem speaking, but to me, the man is the one that brings home the bacon, he should be the main, if not only provider, my stated goal has always been to be a good enough provider that my wife has the option to be a full time housewife if she wants to, and she can spend and buy whatever she fancies, so yeah, I don't call it being spineless, though perhaps a bit chauvinistic, a man should not be on top only in bed alone, no ?
As for housework, you have missed my point, it is as I've said in my later reply, if either or both parties keep track of who has been doing what for the family then sure as hell a quarrel is just down the road. An equal partnership in marriage doesn't mean both parties split the finances and housework down in half, if you keep a mental count of "damm, I had to do the laundry again today" or "damm ! she never do the dishes and messed up the place again" ... then of course, sooner or later cracks would appear ...
As the chinese saying goes, it's easy to get along, but it's quite another to stay under the same roof, all the quirks starts tumbling out. Each one of us would have some annoying personal quirks and habits that the other party finds very annoying, for all you know, this chap's wife may well have been biting her teeth and bending over backwards about some annoying quirks of her husband, like in my case the after hours drinking with clients and friends, my ciggy habit, my noctournal fishing sorties, my snoring, etc. If you start being "historical" on your partner, the other partner certainly would get "historical" on you too, and all these little things from both parties would come tumbling out, and then chickens would fly, dogs would jump, and the neighbours would make a noise complaint to the cops, and the bad feelings would fester ....
Stupid ? ... Spineless ? ... give it a shot when it's your turn mate.
I wouldn't know about my partner but she may prefer to keep her career going and may not be satisfied with being a full-time housewife. It's the way contemporary women are and I feel that the relationship should reflect the autonomy that they have. Realistically, it'll also be more comfortable for the two of us, even if I earn more than I do now.
I don't think anyone advocates being calculative but we certainly agree that one party shouldn't bear the yoke alone and be taken for granted. The other party has to take up the slack when one is ill or in a peak period at work. The arrangement in normal circumstances has to be agreed on first as others have already pointed out.
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why cannot both work full time, after work at night on weekdays and on weekends together do housework nake and do housework and have sex together at the same time?
Like the wife can take the bloom and whack the husband ass. The husband can take the mop and mop the wife pu55y
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Originally posted by auditor:
why cannot both work full time, after work at night on weekdays and on weekends together do housework nake and do housework and have sex together at the same time?
Like the wife can take the bloom and whack the husband ass. The husband can take the mop and mop the wife pu55y
My goodness, lord forgive, such couples must be from Buangkok Green -
Originally posted by Dalforce 1941:
Malaysian chinese are restricted by malay, Singaporean chinese are restricted by peranakan.
Actually, there's not much difference between malaysian and singaporean chinese. We are all dialect speaking immigrants from southern china.
We should join forces and work together to fight against oppression.
All the ethnic groups in Singapore can also be found in Malaysia. I think that is true.
so you want a civil war?
isd should arrest you.
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yes, last time ISD put you in remote sentosa, now got they put you in sentosa cove house, 39millions per house..not bad, not bad
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There is still one ISD inmate in Sentosa. He must feel like the monkeys at MacRitchie Reservoir Forest Reserve. His space is getting smaller and smaller.
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Sentosa got MacRitchie Reservoir??
Time to pay a visit to Bedok Reservoir, I guess. -
In Taiwan nunnery they don't teach English properly is it? Or you learn yourself from your customers.
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Taiwan nunnery only speak taiwan hokkien and eat taiwan porridge, where got english, how can you compare an imate with a primate, no good lah
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angel - shut up lah
want me to saft smthing in your mouth issit?
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aiyo why always conflicts leh, wife ma just give way to her lor.
i also alway give way to girl one if not no peace
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I did small empirical survey, noticed bota men tends to give way to gals more, cos they got not much machoism left in them
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Originally posted by StriveOn:
Lets pin down your problems.
1. Not enough money
2. Wife does not do Housework
3. Of late, wife becomes bitchy (after you ask her to chip in)
#1 is a percieved problem. If you adjust your lifestyle, this item will be well under control. Have you ever been in a situation where you have no income, borrow money until friends and relatives avoid you. 15 year old daughter decides not to study (even though she is good in studies) and wants to work to help you. $3k plus $1k is a luxury.
#2 If wife can do housework, hooray. If not, do you love her less. I have 2 kids at home, does not lift a finger to do housework, all done by me. (after my late wife left us). I just need to organise myself and get the important things done. Laundry is the most important, followed by stuff in the kitchen, then the beddings, then the floor, etc. Live with it, be happy. Occasionally ask for help, if dont get the help, its Okay, be happy.
#3 Wife becomes bitchy. Hopefully (touch wood) she is not having a relationship outside. And dont you go suspecting her because it will surely spell trouble. If her changed behaviour is because of asking to chip in, then let her keep her $1K. They need that kind of security. Believe me, they will share with you, just don't make any claims on it. If #1 and #2 is properly resolved, #3 will dissappear.
QFT
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For finanical assistance you can check this out :
1) ComCare scheme : http://app1.mcys.gov.sg/Assistance/CCCComCareFund.aspx
2) Singapore Online Credit And Finance Directory : http://www.onemoney.com.sg/
For your wife problem, I suggested both of you go for counselling and as for which type of "professional" is suitable you can search from yellow pages or other government like this : http://www.sac-counsel.org.sg , for skill like cooking, she can always learn from her mother or nowadays even people conducted cooking lesson at your home : http://www.herworldplus.com/solutions/road-test/solutions-road-test-cooking-classes-learn-cook-home
Finally if your wife want to learn an skill and join work force, she can always find assistance from government organization like e2i (Employment and Employability Institute) : http://www.e2i.com.sg/ or request community group like CDAC (Chinese Development Assistance Council) for help : http://www.cdac.org.sg Hope it help !
