I am so bad at socialising, please help
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I have always been a social loner from school, NS, Poly and all the way to work. I have never had a girlfriend because of my shy and awkward nature. My feelings easily get hurt and I am often psychologically bulled by my peers because I am a pushover. I only have two real friends, I can count on. One is already married and have a successful business inherited from his dad. Another one, he has since died because he was suffering from depression and often spoke about suicide - in the end, he jumped off the 12 th floor of his flat to his death.
I want to be like my first friend not the second one. But the road leading there is so difficult.
One day i look at myself in the mirror and told myself that I want to transform and be more like my popular friends. SO, one day at a gathering, I decided to be more talkative and more fun. The people that used to know me suddenly got surprised at my more talkative mood. At first they entertain me but after that they decided to ignore me. Then gathering after gathering, they decided to nudge me out. They do things like asking everybody whether they want to buy snack before we play cards and purposely left me out. Then the next gathering, they never called me again. Feel so sad.
In time, I gotten to know this girl very well. For the first time there is somebody to laugh at my jokes. She was truly a great friend. I was always talking to her and in facebook, we joked a lot. But the people around us started to feel jealous at our friendship. Some guys ignored me and were unfriendly to me. THen she got pressured socially not to mix with me. And then our friendship drifted apart.
It was events like this that caused me to lose confidence to socialise. After many years of hibernation, I went to another gathering. Then I saw this girl I was interested to talk to her. There were people talking while standing, talking at the dinning table, talking at the balcony but she was sitting down there, looking from sweet and petit. I wanted to talk to her but i was afraid. Afraid that everyone would hate me and make me regret.
When the party ended, I left and went back home...thinking how it would have been different had I mustered some courage to talk to her...in spite of the how cruel people can be.
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Having regrets is much more pathetic than being thru failures. Everyone fails at certain pt of time. Truly successful people failed badly, and pick themselves up. Lrn2persevere....
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i figure out that your financial situation is within 80% of the bell curve population....the rat race to be rich and famous....its a commom dilemma ...which some guys have every lucky breaks....u can never be like them or be them simply becos YOU are YOU....
see the good points in yourself or cultivate your area of interest...and join groups with similar interests....your knowledge and confidence in what you know would catch the attention of others....discard groups if they just ignore u as they would only erode your self confidence...
this should be a good starting point to see a new world around u....
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Since this is one of my fields of study, let me tell you not to worry.
You certainly have worse EQ than most people around, you should first find out why. Find good people or visit experts, and be completely honest with them. Read some books starting from the most basic level- making small talk. There is a chance you may have an undiagnosed psychological or physical disorder that will suddenly enlighten you on why you've had such a hard time in life. In which case, it would not have been your fault. Keep an open mind to such things. Even if you don't have one, knowledgable people can still help you or coach your progress.
Second, practice what you have learnt, because knowing is only 10% of the journey and getting social interaciton is the critical factor. Get as much social contact as possible during your limited time. Ask people at work how they are doing, make small talk everywhere, take the initiative to have meals with people, go to as many social occasions as are open to you. If you are not successful, reflect on why. Keep trying!
Third, you may have goals in your quest be more sociable, such as getting to a level of comfort in social settings or mixing with a certain crowd. Stick to your goals and make sure they are achievable. If you are not making steady progress, it might be time to make new goals. Good luck!
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TS, if there are any groups outing, try to join them as many as possible.
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Since this is also one of my field, TS, I can guarantee with my body that once you step into my pubs, be it joo chiat or neil road, you will go home a totally new person, full of pride, confident and ever ready to socialise with anyone. Many lonely boys have come and I never fail them, until today, they are still my customer base, no regret. Socialising is not about theory and all those nonsenical studies, be practical, it all about people meeting people at the right environment.
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Learn from your mistakes, not give up because of your mistakes.
You were doing ok, except you over did you talkativness and being the life of the party. Make adjustment there, not give up.
Remember ALL people like to feel important, (yourself included). So acknowledge each and every person as you meet them, remember their names, call them by their names. If they look down on you, it is them who is doing wrong, not you, you don't look down on anyone. But do not humble yourself to such an extend that they walk all over you, have your pride and defend yourself.
Develop the art of flattery. That means praising honestly where it is due, but then again don't over do it. Practice until you can praise a person without being obvious.
Remember everyone want to feel important.
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Originally posted by angel7030:
Since this is also one of my field, TS, I can guarantee with my body that once you step into my pubs, be it joo chiat or neil road, you will go home a totally new person, full of pride, confident and ever ready to socialise with anyone. Many lonely boys have come and I never fail them, until today, they are still my customer base, no regret. Socialising is not about theory and all those nonsenical studies, be practical, it all about people meeting people at the right environment.
Dont listen to Angel. Once you go there, you end up with a pros taggiing with you to hotel 81.
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Originally posted by likeyou:
Dont listen to Angel. Once you go there, you end up with a pros taggiing with you to hotel 81.
so sleazy?
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Most times what we perceive is normally not as bad what reality actually is. Your lack of self esteem may have caused you to look at life situations more negatively than it really is. You feel like you need to please the people around you so that you may feel accepted. That honestly is doing yourself a big disservice.
Be yourself and know what you want. Take care of your life and life will take care of you. It's really as simple as that.
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TS, U suffer cos u are comparing, why compare, u are here to have ur own trip, u can struggle, whine, complain and still live or u can coast, flow and delite in the trip. its not just education and what u have, look at other areas, optimise what is available to u, the rest will fall into place. Those who care - will accept u and let u be and those who have motives will always expect that you change/conform or ... ( u are not excluded!) PS - Muse over this : Two prisoners holed up in a cell were looking out into the nite sky ,the first one was delited at the moon that was waxing and waning. - the second could only see the bars on the window, get it?
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wha lau, guess u only make TS more confusing, please lah, use simple term to laymen ya -
Try to be confidence in yourself.
Do some excerises and make yourself look healthy.
Go for a facial treatment, or hair treatment or body messages.
When you gain your confidence, go out to meet friends, new friends, join community club and so on.
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You must move. You must make the effort to join clubs or other activities.
You must go to them, they won't come to you.
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we can give advise here, but you yourself has to help yourself. no one but yourself can help you. just change your mindset and have positive mindset. if you always think of unhappy stuff or belittle yourself, you will act like one. your behaviour will mimic from what you think mentally.
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Originally posted by mancha:
You must move. You must make the effort to join clubs or other activities.
You must go to them, they won't come to you.
Ya, join them, and dun just join for a day, join them and be part of them, engagin and participate in their program, I understand that most boring and lonely guy like to think that all these are stupid, useless and what is there good for me stuffs, so end up they might join, but just stand there like a stool, I suggest you move your butt and particpate, once you do it, naturally, peoples will come to you. -
Dump all your friends and find new ones. And golden rule of life: Don't care what others think.
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I hope TS have not jump yet.
You care too much of what people think. Just be yourself and be happy. Yes it is important to socialise but if you are not up to it, you're just forcing yourself to be somebody.
People make friends with sincere and humble people, those supposedly overly friendly and pretentious people only have friends to seek fun and laughter but none to share woes and worries.
Take care. =)
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And also, you can hardly get a good friend, maybe not even in your whole life, if you managed to get one, treasure it, cos he or she can be better than the other thousand friends in your life
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TS, try to get and know more of that lady you last seem. And see any opportunities to get to know her. Just ask her out for lunch or coffee.
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Dun go and use those old method again, today gals love pubbing and drinking cocktails, bring her to much higher class places so that she can feel so cosy, trendy and yet, comfortable, my pub in joo chiat is just right for this kind of occasion.
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Originally posted by angel7030:
Dun go and use those old method again, today gals love pubbing and drinking cocktails, bring her to much higher class places so that she can feel so cosy, trendy and yet, comfortable, my pub in joo chiat is just right for this kind of occasion.
Dude don't even bother the advice above. Pampering a girl, you will never sleep with her. Be a man and she will.All the girls give this advice but its wrong. Start with reading 'the game' from neil. All the best for a new journey.
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I am also bad at socialising.
Even my company oversea holiday trip, I love to go sightseeing alone...of course when dinner time or lunch time, we will get together and chat. So far, I am still happy as it is. Even at work, I am always inside my room. Hack care what happen outside my room.
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Company's oversea trip, of course go sightseeing alone lah, after so years of seeing your colleague in company, go sightseeing holiday still want to be with ar?? sian bo?
I hate company function and all those stuff, all looks rigid, sound offical and alway feel like a part of working holiday. I bet if we go together, you will much like to be with me to go sightseeing than being alone ya.
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The fact that you have posted here shows that you clearly have a problem socialising. Whats your problem? stop posting on forums, joker. At least post this in the 'Mental Health Gazette'. Perhaps they could treat your problem there, loser. Any takers? Bring it on. And again, there's no problem at all.
Whats the problem with walking into people? Problem? No. They have the right to walk into people just to pick a fight - it depends whether the people they walk into are willing to grant him that pleasure. So gtfo and leave this guy alone. Worship this guy - this guy is embracing individuality and breaking out of conformity - we should admire him. Problem?
^Thats what we do for a living.