This close to losing it
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Dear all,
The boyfriend is someone who is insecure about himself, he has no confidence due to a defect on his face since young so he's always "behind the scenes" and not fond of conversations. I am his first girlfriend, probably the longest to date. Dated him since i was 17, both of us are 24yrs old. I am always there since day 1 to tell him he looks good today, to constantly make him feel good about himself, to be there for him and tell him to learn to speak up and e defect is nothing but a god's gift for him but in return, he make me feel worthless. 7 years and very worthless.
His problem: Since day 1 he has been trying to change me, change the way i wear, talk me into putting make up, hinting me to start wearing heels, asking me to stop wearing tshirts n more blouse and i did all he wanted, i was a new me, secondary school friends all thought i "bloom" but in fact i was just another person.
I am someone who never really give a thought about how people look at me, how people thought of me but he is the complete opposite. I thought maybe because of e "defect" it affected so much on how people look and thought of him. This im fine with it, i changed, i am different now because of love.
2nd year in our relationship: He started calling me fat, at first it was all jokes but it went from "haha fatty" to "please stop eating rice/no cakes/no ice cream". I am 158m, 48kg and yes, i am not skinny but i know i am not fat. It got out of hand, he didn't allow me to take lunch n force me to sleep through breakfast and most of the days i only am allowed to have dinner with him. We fought so much because of this issue and from then on...i changed.
My problem: I was never a angry kid, i have little fights here n there but never a physical one. I curse n swear like a sailor when i am beyond mad but that draws the line. Today i am someone who fights like a street gangster, i roll up my first and throw punches. I no longer find a need to reason out with The Bf, i used to cry, walk away from him or just plenty of shouting match but now i hit him. I HIT HIM. I did not even notice i was so abusive but i know im being push to e edge.
I love him with all my heart but whenever he push it too far i will slap, throw punches and kick n swear. I hurt him physically n mentally but i feel that he deserve it, i always feel that i don't deserve a guy who treats me good only when i look skinny/pretty today. So whenever i wear something that makes me look fat he will go all out and "suan" me and he won't even want to hold my hand or have proper conversation with me.
I don't know what to do anymore, everytime i physically hurt him ill cry so hard for e whole day while he will just walk out of e room n not come in till hours later. We both do not want this r/s to end but he told me it's very hard for him to change. I tried to leave but 7 years is not short, we had our good times together n i am so dependent on him. He is my bestfriend, my shopping kaki, my holiday kaki but i cannot accept that fact that i am with someone who constantly wants to change me.
Just yesterday we fought so badly, he pissed me off so bad that i just walk towards him and slap him but he even push it futher and we started pushing n shoving each other. At one point i even started to strangle him and all he could do is to hug me so that i wont be able to hit him but i manage to gave him 2 punches to his face and he started bleeding. I am so depressed till now, yes i feel terrible, i hate myself so much.
Recently, our circle of close friends started talking about applying for HDB eg. settling down. i asked him if he would want to settle down with me and all he said was "no, i can't marry a girl who uses her fist on me" and my reply was "same here, i don't think i can ever marry one who never truly love me for e way i am" even though deep inside i am broken, his words caught me off guard.
I want to end this all but i can't leave him, i thought of suicide, i thought of many ways to die the whole night and even now. suicide is never an option but it's been in my head so much now. I am no longer happy. I even drafted a goodbye note to him asking him to never treat his next girlfriend/wife the way he treated me, i will be that expensive lesson he will get.
This is e last straw, i am not sure how long more can i take it.
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Ask yourself truefully and faithfully, do you still love him? Do you still have feeling towards him? Or you feel nothing towards him now.
Things cannot be solve using physical attacks.
You both need to sit down and talk out from your heart. Not punching.
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u CAN leave him
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Originally posted by vins&stitchs:
Dear all,
The boyfriend is someone who is insecure about himself, he has no confidence due to a defect on his face since young so he's always "behind the scenes" and not fond of conversations. I am his first girlfriend, probably the longest to date. Dated him since i was 17, both of us are 24yrs old. I am always there since day 1 to tell him he looks good today, to constantly make him feel good about himself, to be there for him and tell him to learn to speak up and e defect is nothing but a god's gift for him but in return, he make me feel worthless. 7 years and very worthless.
His problem: Since day 1 he has been trying to change me, change the way i wear, talk me into putting make up, hinting me to start wearing heels, asking me to stop wearing tshirts n more blouse and i did all he wanted, i was a new me, secondary school friends all thought i "bloom" but in fact i was just another person.
I am someone who never really give a thought about how people look at me, how people thought of me but he is the complete opposite. I thought maybe because of e "defect" it affected so much on how people look and thought of him. This im fine with it, i changed, i am different now because of love.
2nd year in our relationship: He started calling me fat, at first it was all jokes but it went from "haha fatty" to "please stop eating rice/no cakes/no ice cream". I am 158m, 48kg and yes, i am not skinny but i know i am not fat. It got out of hand, he didn't allow me to take lunch n force me to sleep through breakfast and most of the days i only am allowed to have dinner with him. We fought so much because of this issue and from then on...i changed.
My problem: I was never a angry kid, i have little fights here n there but never a physical one. I curse n swear like a sailor when i am beyond mad but that draws the line. Today i am someone who fights like a street gangster, i roll up my first and throw punches. I no longer find a need to reason out with The Bf, i used to cry, walk away from him or just plenty of shouting match but now i hit him. I HIT HIM. I did not even notice i was so abusive but i know im being push to e edge.
I love him with all my heart but whenever he push it too far i will slap, throw punches and kick n swear. I hurt him physically n mentally but i feel that he deserve it, i always feel that i don't deserve a guy who treats me good only when i look skinny/pretty today. So whenever i wear something that makes me look fat he will go all out and "suan" me and he won't even want to hold my hand or have proper conversation with me.
I don't know what to do anymore, everytime i physically hurt him ill cry so hard for e whole day while he will just walk out of e room n not come in till hours later. We both do not want this r/s to end but he told me it's very hard for him to change. I tried to leave but 7 years is not short, we had our good times together n i am so dependent on him. He is my bestfriend, my shopping kaki, my holiday kaki but i cannot accept that fact that i am with someone who constantly wants to change me.
Just yesterday we fought so badly, he pissed me off so bad that i just walk towards him and slap him but he even push it futher and we started pushing n shoving each other. At one point i even started to strangle him and all he could do is to hug me so that i wont be able to hit him but i manage to gave him 2 punches to his face and he started bleeding. I am so depressed till now, yes i feel terrible, i hate myself so much.
Recently, our circle of close friends started talking about applying for HDB eg. settling down. i asked him if he would want to settle down with me and all he said was "no, i can't marry a girl who uses her fist on me" and my reply was "same here, i don't think i can ever marry one who never truly love me for e way i am" even though deep inside i am broken, his words caught me off guard.
I want to end this all but i can't leave him, i thought of suicide, i thought of many ways to die the whole night and even now. suicide is never an option but it's been in my head so much now. I am no longer happy. I even drafted a goodbye note to him asking him to never treat his next girlfriend/wife the way he treated me, i will be that expensive lesson he will get.
This is e last straw, i am not sure how long more can i take it.
The defect is a God's gift to him ??? Who are you kidding girl ?
You think he is that stupid to believe you ?? Gosh.. you have no idea.
Quit patronising him, what he needs is respect..NOT pity !
Don't you get it ? He is using emotional abuse on you because of his own insecurities.
He puts you down.. hurting your self-esteem.. so that you will never think you are too good for him.
Nothing you do will ever be good enough for him.
Walk away.. before he plunge you into the abyss of depression.
He's a foolish guy.. and you clinging on to him ENABLES his behavior.
If he loves you.. he won't be hurting you.
Since he believes he doesn't deserve you.. then go find someone else who does !
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yeah, move on....salute u for those years of tolerance....only tolerate if he's ur husband...since he's not, time to dust ur feet & leave.
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When god created Adam, he created him to resemble him, but he never said, you must only love Adam, you can also choose God, too bad you choose only Adam, there are many Adams out there, why? because this Adam can let you punch and slap, the rest cannot mah, so you tends to want the person you so use to it, can strangle and kick and do whatever you like, no choice, you got to stick to him.
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His insecurity has him making you wanna leave him. He loves you, but lets you decide what you really want. Be warn such men are unable to make decisions most of the time, most of the situations.
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In fact most men are unable to make decision, they go by the 70-30% rules, 70% agar agar can, 30% dunno what they are doing, so for me, if I want to convince a guy, i just hv to tackle the 70% will do, if you look at the way they make sex, sometime like this, sometime like that, you know they are not good decision maker, and some countries even get woman to be the chief
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what is the TS working as?
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It would be better and wiser of you to see what is coming out of you when all these whatever that you have mentioned took place or did not take place. I say that cos no one can change another. When one values oneself, respects oneself one would change one's own behaviour and that in itself will send the ''rite'' signals to another or others. We always teach others how we would like to be treated. Only u know what transpired and .... To have eyes alone is not enough, it is a mere faculty, artfulness is essential to see things/people as they are. Sadly, we dont ( me not excluded), we see and hear what we want to see, what we want to hear. It is delusion and that causes much anguish/anxiety when it pans out otherwise. In other words, we are expecting the world/people to fit our preconcpetualized models of love, life and .... Imagine what happens when each person has the same misconception!
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Love?
Or do you feel pity for him?
You "love" him because...
He is honest, a hard working guy, a compassionate guy, he takes care of you, your welfare is his top priority, intelligent, you admire him and his other qualities. True?
Or you "pity" him because
He has no confidence due to a defect on his face since young, so he's always "behind the scenes" and not fond of conversations. You feel sorry for him, and you want to help him come out of his shell.
Rough rule about Love. Always remember that Love nurtures, Love is growth. Do you see that you your relationship?
You have to take care of yourself first, before you take care of others.
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Love?, frankly, most peoples, after married for 40years, still do not know if they really love each other .
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Hear plenty of Love Love Love in endless Taiwanese serial dramas.
Girl say he loves Deputy Director, DD says he loves daughter of rival boss, daughter of rival boss not interested but confused, because she loves evil man. All say Love but never show love, only desperate moves and schemes.
Thats why people also use the word Love so freely, when it is actually fear of losing, fear of letting go that they are experiencing. They tell us it is Love.
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seems like the guy is having feelings of inadequacy and the things he is saying to you is simply a reflection of his thoughts. i would never hurt another girl's feeling saying she's fat just like i dun like a girl to say for example i'm stupid or something... that's being insensitive.
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Ai
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Ai yah!
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Originally posted by angel7030:
Love?, frankly, most peoples, after married for 40years, still do not know if they really love each other .
Angel, u referring to those ah mah? Supposing you married at 25, after 40yr, you will be 65yr old. Do they really love each other? Better take care of our health! -
You see, youngs like us are naive, they see love at it value of fun, beautiful, sex and emotion, but once the knot was tied, love degenerate by the years, this happen more on men than women, what makes them stay on is typically the childrens, the family and the stability both created, by 65yo, looking back proudly at what both had achieved, childrens had grown big, both had gone thru the thick and thin of married life, what is there left in these twilight years than to enjoy the begining of Love again.
In courtship life, the average is 2 to 3 years, anything beyong that better dun get marry, just remain in courtship, in married life, anything that last the first 10 to 15 years, it will last forever, it is usually at the mid of it, where men start to stray after achieve career success and financial stability that is the testing time of marriage, if the marriage is able to get thru these period of men fragility, the fruit of a successful marriage life could be seen as just begining to ripe
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Appreciate all your replies.
After the last fight we had we had a good talk, few hours worth of tears included. He didn't know i was hurting so much but i am glad he did now. I know he will go back to his old ways of wanting to change me but he promise me he will TRY to not do it anymore, he told me to give me him time to change. At least he is willing to try, this past week is blissful, no teasing, no arguments nothing and i am hoping for e best though i know this won't last long. Arguments can't be avoided, it is only how far he is willing to take it.
I am willing to give it a shot, a very good friend of ours told me this "at least you know even though he wants to change u but end day he has only eyes for you". For this past 7 years, never once did he stray. He did not even look at the other side of the grass, i am very certain of this. Throughout school, i was his date for any birthdays events, graduation etc. Army, i was there for every "graduation", POP etc. birthdays at clubs and even a guys night out but i gladly wanted out in any boys night out, i know when to give him space and i really appreciate the invite.
Today, i am still very hurt but i know a good guy when i see one. He is not perfect but really, no one is. I am willing to give a shot or 2 more but end day if we're not meant to be together at least i know i did try.
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Take a vacation together, a month long holiday overseas, and see how things work our.
A vacation together is a good test, to see how a couple work as a team.
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In modern times, as a gal myself, my recommendation is dun be overly too romantic, it gets you into trouble, personally, I also hv breakoff here and there, from my school days to bfs in army. And I have to come to understand the implication of bf/gf relationship, there is never a perfect Mr right, nor are we perfect ourselves, we gals tends to be more sticky to romance and memories which sink our heart at times, but lets be frank and pragmatic, never assume a relationship will last because you love him, let ourselves have a wider spread of choices, just like buffets, once you allow yourself with choices, you become more precious in the eyes of guy, and when you more precious, whoever with choose will treasure you more, because he knows you got other choices.
UNDERSTAND!
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Originally posted by angel7030:
In fact most men are unable to make decision, they go by the 70-30% rules, 70% agar agar can, 30% dunno what they are doing, so for me, if I want to convince a guy, i just hv to tackle the 70% will do, if you look at the way they make sex, sometime like this, sometime like that, you know they are not good decision maker, and some countries even get woman to be the chief
I admire the attempts at neo-Steinism but if you keep finding guys like that - the problem is you.
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She only know men from the low life. The ones who patronise her sleazy bars.
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Originally posted by Nomad80:
I admire the attempts at neo-Steinism but if you keep finding guys like that - the problem is you.
the problem is not me, nor the guy, the problem is the society, and who created such a society? the policy markers are the ones, in exchange for glory and high GDP with a educated cohort of citizens, the price to pay are the high cost of living, the low birthrates, the high divorce rates and the ever changing of bf and gf relationship and so on. -
Originally posted by mancha:
She only know men from the low life. The ones who patronise her sleazy bars.
I thot all men are suppose to be high in life, see alot of high flyer guys