Need some urgent advice (Parents and engagement)
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I have been together with my girlfriend for coming to 2 years.
My profile:
Well to do family background (Father earning quite a fair bit), overseas educated for 5 years, lives in landed property in prime area almost all my life.
Context:
One day, she told me that she wanted to get a ring for 10k+. I was thinking about this and decided to consult my parents.
Problems:
1) My parents think that I am too young to think about getting married. (ps: I am 29 this year and she is 25) as they think that i need to get to know the woman better before making a commitment and that i am not mature enough.
But i personally feel that she is "the one" for me. and they use the arguement that my brother knew his wife for 8 years before proposal and getting married (prior to that he knew another girl for 5 years before breaking off) and that my sister (who is one year younger than my girlfriend) knew her boyfriend for 4 years and is nowhere close to marriage. But we do not have the luxury of time that we both met each other so late in our lives. (If we met when i was 22 and she was 18, things would have turned out very differently)
She too doesn't want to get married too late as she feels that if she gets married at 28, she will be 50 when our children is 20. (assuming she gives birth at 30) and she will be too old to enjoy the time together with our kids. (doesn't help that our relatives have children who only get married only after dating more than 7 years)
2) The ring. Even though i know the ring will cost 10k, It is going to be my money which i have earned thru working through the years and i won't be touching a single cent of theirs, but yet they feel that i should not get the ring because they feel that engagement ring should be something cheap because its supposed to be the gesture that counts and the wedding ring should be something expensive.-(Btw my girlfriend thinks that my parents are not reasonable as they do not want to part with 10k, which is not even their money to begin with, even though they can afford it)
(btw2: I asked my mum again this time with a figure of 5k for the ring, and she even said that this sum was unreasonable)
(my mum used the example where she spent 30k of her own money on my brother's wife's wedding ring when they got the engagement ring for 1k plus) but my girlfriend has said that she will not be requiring
-Honeymoon
-Banquet
-Wedding ring (her mum will be giving it to her)
and all that she wants is a nice engagement ring as she feels that the engagement ring is more important than the wedding ring.
3) Me and my girlfriend got into a very heated arguement over the ring, and i listened to some bad advice from my best friend's wife and went to close a joint account. My girlfriend was very angry but has since forgiven me for this. But my parents know about this and might use this against me.
Solutions:
How do i
1) get out of this situation a winner?
2) shed my image that my mum has of me that i am forever a teenager?
3) not lose my girlfriend? (she has said that she WILL leave me if i don't get this resolved, she feels that if my parents are so controlling now, she doesn't know what they will feel about her in the future.) -
Firstly, for all urgent matters, you need to apply for urgent leaves and seek approval.
Secondly, you are already a loser, and still want to get out as a winner??? you siao or not, as long as you can get out in one piece, blessing the god and heaven already.
3rd, every mom will see their childrens as kids, no matter how old you are, your are alway her son, her dear little son, take it as her love to you, no mom will look at her son as some old man.
4rd, As a gal myself, I would had betray our gal pride if I tell you this, if she wants to leave just because of a Ring, so be it, gal are me and your gf are stubborn and demanding people, if you gives in, bless you, for the rest of your life, you will be pull by her on a rope like a buffalo, as a man, a true man, do not give in to woman, even tho you love her, but love is not represented by just a 10k ring, she is testing the water, careless about it, tell her some other time, not happy, go home. You need to be steady and firm and be in control, like this, your mom see already, will also said that my son had grown up. UNDERSTAND
Take an urgent and go watch lord of the rings, or visit me
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+1
This isn't about the ring. Something's dodgy going on, and it's coming across as angel7030 says. It might even be some form of powerplay on her part to divide and conquer and make you eat out of her hand.
Don't end up being pussy whipped mate.
Trust your parents, they don't have the love blinders on. And if she's going splitsville over a ring, she can fxxk the hell off, don't bother waiting - Godot would sooner turn up.
A chap like you can do better but you're probably going to have to fend off the gold diggers.
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I'm the type who greatly respects what most parents/elders say, but at the same time do not get too trapped or restricted by their comments/thoughts. However, it sounds like in this case, I'm with your mum.
As the others said, if your gf is holding you ransom over a ring of a specific price....then clearly, its not you that she is prioritising. I'm not suggesting that you need to break up with her, but if you are truly as uncomfortable as you sound with the whole siuation, then you need to be mature about it and say that to her.
Its easy for others to comment, but t the end of the day, you have to be responsible for your actions. If you buy the 10k ring, don't expect it to stop there in the future. If you don't, you might lose her. Both sides has its own outcomes.
My opinion? Do you actually want to get engaged with her to start with? If so, tell her that you're happy to buy a ring, but not at 10K....and if you must, explain why. If she insists, be firm about your position, but be prepared that she might leave.
If she leaves simply because of the whole situation with the ring....then I personally think you're the winner without her anyway.
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Originally posted by Godot:
I have been together with my girlfriend for coming to 2 years.
My profile:
Well to do family background (Father earning quite a fair bit), overseas educated for 5 years, lives in landed property in prime area almost all my life.
Context:
One day, she told me that she wanted to get a ring for 10k+. I was thinking about this and decided to consult my parents.
Problems:
1) My parents think that I am too young to think about getting married. (ps: I am 29 this year and she is 25) as they think that i need to get to know the woman better before making a commitment and that i am not mature enough.
But i personally feel that she is "the one" for me. and they use the arguement that my brother knew his wife for 8 years before proposal and getting married (prior to that he knew another girl for 5 years before breaking off) and that my sister (who is one year younger than my girlfriend) knew her boyfriend for 4 years and is nowhere close to marriage. But we do not have the luxury of time that we both met each other so late in our lives. (If we met when i was 22 and she was 18, things would have turned out very differently)
She too doesn't want to get married too late as she feels that if she gets married at 28, she will be 50 when our children is 20. (assuming she gives birth at 30) and she will be too old to enjoy the time together with our kids. (doesn't help that our relatives have children who only get married only after dating more than 7 years)
2) The ring. Even though i know the ring will cost 10k, It is going to be my money which i have earned thru working through the years and i won't be touching a single cent of theirs, but yet they feel that i should not get the ring because they feel that engagement ring should be something cheap because its supposed to be the gesture that counts and the wedding ring should be something expensive.-(Btw my girlfriend thinks that my parents are not reasonable as they do not want to part with 10k, which is not even their money to begin with, even though they can afford it)
(btw2: I asked my mum again this time with a figure of 5k for the ring, and she even said that this sum was unreasonable)
(my mum used the example where she spent 30k of her own money on my brother's wife's wedding ring when they got the engagement ring for 1k plus) but my girlfriend has said that she will not be requiring
-Honeymoon
-Banquet
-Wedding ring (her mum will be giving it to her)
and all that she wants is a nice engagement ring as she feels that the engagement ring is more important than the wedding ring.
3) Me and my girlfriend got into a very heated arguement over the ring, and i listened to some bad advice from my best friend's wife and went to close a joint account. My girlfriend was very angry but has since forgiven me for this. But my parents know about this and might use this against me.
Solutions:
How do i
1) get out of this situation a winner?
2) shed my image that my mum has of me that i am forever a teenager?
3) not lose my girlfriend? (she has said that she WILL leave me if i don't get this resolved, she feels that if my parents are so controlling now, she doesn't know what they will feel about her in the future.)Sorry dude, your girlfriend is not a very smart girl.
If you marry her.. your children will be stupid.
10K ring is cheap for a rich person.
Forgive my bluntness.. but you must be very ugly and stupid to want desperately marry a girl like that.
25 yo is not young.. but her desperation to lock you in betrays her insecurities... afterall.. there's not many guys out there as "eligible" as you..and willing to have a stupid gold digger as a wife.
I have plenty of gold digger friends... and here is my advise to you...
You can only have her.. as long as your wealth last... when your wealth is gone.. so will she.
Beauty does not last... the last thing you want to wake up to when you are 60 yo ... is an ugly old bitch.
Tell her to f off.. you'll see.. she'll insist you have sex without contraceptives... so she can get pregnant and make you marry her anyway....
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Originally posted by Godot:
I have been together with my girlfriend for coming to 2 years.
My profile:
Well to do family background (Father earning quite a fair bit), overseas educated for 5 years, lives in landed property in prime area almost all my life.
Context:
One day, she told me that she wanted to get a ring for 10k+. I was thinking about this and decided to consult my parents.
Problems:
1) My parents think that I am too young to think about getting married. (ps: I am 29 this year and she is 25) as they think that i need to get to know the woman better before making a commitment and that i am not mature enough.
But i personally feel that she is "the one" for me. and they use the arguement that my brother knew his wife for 8 years before proposal and getting married (prior to that he knew another girl for 5 years before breaking off) and that my sister (who is one year younger than my girlfriend) knew her boyfriend for 4 years and is nowhere close to marriage. But we do not have the luxury of time that we both met each other so late in our lives. (If we met when i was 22 and she was 18, things would have turned out very differently)
She too doesn't want to get married too late as she feels that if she gets married at 28, she will be 50 when our children is 20. (assuming she gives birth at 30) and she will be too old to enjoy the time together with our kids. (doesn't help that our relatives have children who only get married only after dating more than 7 years)
2) The ring. Even though i know the ring will cost 10k, It is going to be my money which i have earned thru working through the years and i won't be touching a single cent of theirs, but yet they feel that i should not get the ring because they feel that engagement ring should be something cheap because its supposed to be the gesture that counts and the wedding ring should be something expensive.-(Btw my girlfriend thinks that my parents are not reasonable as they do not want to part with 10k, which is not even their money to begin with, even though they can afford it)
(btw2: I asked my mum again this time with a figure of 5k for the ring, and she even said that this sum was unreasonable)
(my mum used the example where she spent 30k of her own money on my brother's wife's wedding ring when they got the engagement ring for 1k plus) but my girlfriend has said that she will not be requiring
-Honeymoon
-Banquet
-Wedding ring (her mum will be giving it to her)
and all that she wants is a nice engagement ring as she feels that the engagement ring is more important than the wedding ring.
3) Me and my girlfriend got into a very heated arguement over the ring, and i listened to some bad advice from my best friend's wife and went to close a joint account. My girlfriend was very angry but has since forgiven me for this. But my parents know about this and might use this against me.
Solutions:
How do i
1) get out of this situation a winner?
2) shed my image that my mum has of me that i am forever a teenager?
3) not lose my girlfriend? (she has said that she WILL leave me if i don't get this resolved, she feels that if my parents are so controlling now, she doesn't know what they will feel about her in the future.)First question. Is your gf a GCP ? Aka materialistic. She doesnt know the value of money either. Why have a 10k ring when you can have 10k cash. And yes your parents are right. engagement ring should be something that is supposed to be the gesture. I guess your parents are quited pissed off as your GF is very materialistic. And that spells trouble if she is your future wife.
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for your gf to want a $10k ring shows her lack of appreciation the value of money, if you get it for her, there's no end to her wants...you could have made your own mind and rejected her flatly instead of going to your parents for consent.
at your age, it's ok to get married, yet for some reason your parents see it otherwise, perhaps they are not so enthusiastic with your intended partner; and with the ruckus over the ring thing, it's unlikely both sides will have a cosy relationship. one thing many men realise too late is that they tend to drift apart from their families when the wives do not enjoy their relationship with their in-laws...
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why this stupid girl so desperate for a diamond ring? she can't afford to get one herself ah?
to be in the bad books of your parents even before marriage spells only more trouble later on.
If she needs to test your love for her , then i am sure both of you are not truly in love. Somemore using a dumb ring. If she is smart, ask for a property, this one is truly an asset.
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i think TS should marry his parents instead since he is so obedient to them
btw why TS go and close the joint account with the gf?
He must be greedy go withdraw all the money which belongs to his gf and spend it.
He is lucky that she never make a police report and charge him for theft
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yeah its true that she is materialistic, but from what i read, it seems like TS is not very willing to let her go. although if its me, i will not keep a gold digger wife...
anyway, my suggestion to u is probably to persuade her that since she cant tolerate your parents, its gonna be a huge problem in future if u live with them after marriage. so why not use the 10K to invest in downpayment of a condo, so u two could live without the naggings of your parents.
so u see, in this way, u add an asset to your name, next time if u and her dont make it, at least could rent it out and earn money. rather than a ring which is deemed hers even if u split up with her.
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What is the definition?
She doesn't spend much of my money and would not hesitate to spend on things which both she and me uses.
(eg: she spent over $1000 of her own money on a spa package even though i was using slightly more of it and she spent over $1000 for accomodation for a holiday which we both recently went)
In fact net spending wise she probably spent more on me than me on her.
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Originally posted by Godot:
What is the definition?
She doesn't spend much of my money and would not hesitate to spend on things which both she and me uses.
(eg: she spent over $1000 of her own money on a spa package even though i was using slightly more of it and she spent over $1000 for accomodation for a holiday which we both recently went)
In fact net spending wise she probably spent more on me than me on her.
That means you spend her money lah.eg. she use her own money of $1000 for a spa package and you just chip in to use it for free.
She pay $1000 of her own money for a overseas holiday and you just join in for free without paying anything for it.
You just want to live on women's money in that case
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why must she insist on spending that much on the engagement ring? are you really that well to do that you can afford the rest like housing and stuffs even after a 10k ring and all other marriage formalities that you are going to have? If she's really not a "gold digger" shouldn't she be seeing better use of that money instead of spending it on a ring. No amount of 10k rings can buy her a good husband that comes home everynight after many years of marriage. I hope u can have a good talk with her and see where u guys are going in terms of value and mentality.Point to note is that getting married is b/w u and her, u make ur own choice and u are responsible for it. Much as it would be great to get your parents blessing but you parents do not live your life and they also are not the 1 who's going to stay with you all your life. Your wife is the one who does that.IMO your mum is jus a little unreasonable because relation vary for different ppl. Who says that your brother needs 8 years to be together with the gf before getting married and that you'll at least need that amt of time also? Ridiculous imo.
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"How do i
1) get out of this situation a winner?
2) shed my image that my mum has of me that i am forever a teenager?
3) not lose my girlfriend? (she has said that she WILL leave me if i don't get this resolved, she feels that if my parents are so controlling now, she doesn't know what they will feel about her in the future.)"1) Buy your gf a 10k ring but in return she must buy you a 10k watch
2) Ask your gf to pay for her share of the wedding dinner and her ring or ask her to pay for all the wedding dinner and all her rings..
3) Tell her you will leave her she refuse to end this. ( No worries as you are the giver and richer person in the relationship you will win )
Just want to ask you seriously how much do you really love her?
Both of you are not married and she wants a $10k ring . If she leaves you before getting married, she get $10k ring and you will lose $10k.
Darn risky,
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My friend, someone of true class is not desperate to prove it. You ever see a rich guy in cheap clothes sometimes?
Yes, having a big rock on your finger does connotate something. But it is something bestowed by one's husband. It is not demanded. If you feel its loss, remember it was never yours to have.
Another issue- a big rock on the wrong girl's finger connotates something worse: A girl of less substance than apparent, whose husband has grossly over-valued her.
It's unhealthy that the ring is the dominant issue in your dilemma, and even more so that she has threatened to leave you. This girl is a dumbass. Or she could have reasons for not waiting for the wedding ring.
I would also advise you not to let issues of urgency and childbearing age exert any pressure on your decision-making. The fact that you met her late in life cannot be helped. But marriage (and divorce) can be very painful (and expensive) affairs for any man, not least a wealthy one such as yourself.
Exercise risk-conscious decision-making and don't throw good time and money after bad. What are the worst that could result from each of your choices?
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Some people need to work for 10 months just to earn $10,000.
Earn.
Not save.
But I digress.
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dont tell me her name is PARN ????
she been waiting for a $10K ring all long
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How come nobody observe that he just want to spend the gf money?
He spends his gf money on spa, holiday etc but don't even want to buy a ring to propose to her.
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You are only bf-gf and you already have a joint account?
Hmm.
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I think the gf is the 1 at a losing side now.
She probably spend lots of money on him, lose her virginity to him and now he don't want to marry her and don't want to buy a proposal ring for her too.
He seems to be wanting to use his parents as excuse to break up with her after cheating her of sex and money
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Originally posted by icare:
I think the gf is the 1 at a losing side now.
She probably spend lots of money on him, lose her virginity to him and now he don't want to marry her and don't want to buy a proposal ring for her too.
He seems to be wanting to use his parents as excuse to break up with her after cheating her of sex and money
I do spend a lot on her as well. (net spending quite close 50/50)
No sex cos she doesn't do pre maritial sex
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Originally posted by Godot:
I do spend a lot on her as well. (net spending quite close 50/50)
No sex cos she doesn't do pre maritial sex
Than why you don't want to break up with her and find a more suitable gf than?You don't have much to lose too
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No money, no honey.
Nobody can live on love and fresh air alone.
Alas.
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I don't see how any smart person can stake the entire relationship on a ring, if she values you as a potential husband.
A case of deprave thinking here.
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Originally posted by Godot:
What is the definition?
She doesn't spend much of my money and would not hesitate to spend on things which both she and me uses.
(eg: she spent over $1000 of her own money on a spa package even though i was using slightly more of it and she spent over $1000 for accomodation for a holiday which we both recently went)
In fact net spending wise she probably spent more on me than me on her.
Something doesn't add up here.
Seems like there is/are more deeper issues you are not revealing.
Hows the relationship like for the 2 years ?
Does she feel that you don't value her ? Have you been taking her for granted and disregarding her needs ?
This 10k ring demand.... seems like she is trying to ascertain her worth in your life. Seems like she wasn't sure about your love for her.
So, what exactly is going wrong in the relationship ?