I know.....you must be wishing he's with you in bed than playing mahjong till 3am on weekends haha.
Originally posted by Carb:Before marriage, we have tonnes of argument. That is the time we both adjusted. In fact for the mahjong thgy, we had rolls over it previously and that is how this 1am thingy comes abt. I knw the mj rules. 1am is a ball park and he agreed to it. This time round he is out to push my limit by saying he is not even sure if it will ends at 3.. Which is what I can’t reconcile..
You are right that I have to be the more accommodating one in this rel. But there is a limit.. As he always mentioned, when the limit is reached, all hell broke loose.
In this instance, he is out to test my limit. He told me last night and this morning that he is changing the venue. He had a very serious relapse of backache today. So bad that he his back is slanted and he has to move slowly. Yet he refuse to agree with me. Its obvious he can’t make it till 23am..
He pushes your limits because you GAVE him a limit.
Let him play until his back give up on him.. Don;t give a shit where he goes... don't care what he do... just shut down.
Don't ask where , when, what.
Go on a vacation without him.. go live your life... without him. When he ask.. don't respond.
Try this:
Tell us five good things about him.
Don't have to, if you don't want to.
But the idea is you keep focusing on the negative, and this set your emotions churning. You seem at your wits end. That is the trigger. Try ignoring things for a while and see how you feel.
You understand the nature of your relationship, try to steer it into calmer waters rather than stormy seas. And also when in calm waters, don't rock the boat.
Just close one eye. When u go shopping for hours, does he stop u.
Originally posted by FireIce:is it this one?
from this thread alone its obvious you made a wrong decision to marry him.
self-centred. both of you.
I just did a brief read through this thread and everyone assumes he's playing mahjong until 3am? Hmmm... Sorry, but if I was playing mahjong, I will know how long roughly each round takes +/- 10 mins, multiply by the number of rounds. The time when you won't know how long you'll be out with your friends is possibly non-mahjong related...
tell you some things my gf will usually do, check hp for sms or something else to verify. but some guys already know this as a popular method so already know how to counter it, lol. there are alot of other things a person can do to verify if they are sharp... that's why a bf of FireIce sure cannot lie one, confirm get caught, she is like a detective...
Nex time talk about it prior to the occasion.........
(after some time have passed)
And if he cannot commit to ending it at 1am...just say you object.....you have the right to object......that is your home too......
Say that you object to it.
Anyways this is just one issue. From what I read from your description, and also your previous thread, it seems like you are not in a good, positive, healthy, and constructive realtionship, and maybe you are clinging on to it for the wrong reasons , such as, not wanting to be alone, and even you mention about it yourself a few times.
I think if this is really the case, you must seriously evaluate and think through about your relationship in a fundemantal manner. Are you getting something positive, constructive, healthy, out of it. Does it make you feel good, make you feel loved, make you feel you can grow and develop as a person.
If it is the opposite, where you feel tense, unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, and have many quarrels with your spouse......then it is a negative relationship, and you have to think about it. Why do you want to continue to keep a negative relationship and emburden yourself.
I doubt you will be really unhappy as a single, and also I doubt you cannot find a partner who is more suitable later.
If you are not like a gorilla-ugly, you still have a chance to find suitable partner. There are lots of men out there. Thousands of men are looking.
It's up to you and you just decide yourself.
For me if I can be allowed to give you a blunt advice,
Since you are married you need to work hard to save your marriage and try to compromise and adjust. You need to take marriage seriously and be committed to it. However, if you are indeed severely unhappy, divorce can be considered as a last option.
Originally posted by jojobeach:Your husband is, emotionally, not as mature as you. But you are expecting him to think and behave as you.
Most men mistakenly think it's ok to treat their wife as emotional dumping ground. They think they are sharing.. but they are actually not.
Being able to deal with problems inwardly and not need to vent or take it out on our partner... requires a good level of maturity.
Your husband is still very immature.
a balance view is to hear both sides of the story and not jus from you...as mentioned by FireIce earlier....
then we can tell who is telling what
its so easy to call for divorce from any side...
but just make sure all efforts to bridge communication and understanding have been exhausted...
Originally posted by Carb:Mancha, I have no problem liking him. If he walks in now and hug me, My heart will melt immediately. The problem is that he is not convinced that we will work out.. Before our wedding I have asked him to think abt it. Now he repeat again that he can’t get along with me.. On top of all, Now, I dunno when he will mention abt divorce again..
I guess everything is just pointing to the fact that I love him more than he does for me… Everytime things happen, I told myself to give up since I m so tired of it.. But when he comes back, we just let it pass… Of course there is also the fear of loneliness.. I hope we both have the courage to end it this time..
OK, you love him. And you try to make the marriage work. The problem lies with him.
Work from that.
He is a grown man. And it would be quite tricky to change his mind set. But not impossible.
You have to stop and think. You have to understand him more, (and I don't mean to be more understanding). Know the level of his self-esteem. Why he takes to mahjong, What is important to him. What is his aspiration. What is he proud of. What are his insecurities. How sensitive he is. How does he respond to problems, challenges, insults, aggression. And any other things that you know of his personality.
He has the habit of thinking that his marraige will fail, because of his belief system. He takes to mahjong, to fill something lacking in his life. And he is quarrelsome over trival issues because he feels he is constantly under attack. He is responding in the only way he knows how. With anger. And this is out of habit.
He wil appreciate some good words, i.e. praises. Don't lay it on thick, he would suspect its flattery, just say some good words or praise where it is due. Don't let him suspect you are doing it deliberately. Best let your good words gets to him indirectly, from others. Slowly, it will take time to work. He will begin to feel important, and better and will respond more magnanimously. If he feel better about himself he will be good to others.
Give a man a good name, and he will live up to it.
Think back to the begining of your relationship, how it was all non threatening and appreciative. Recapture that spirit.
in a nutshell, right marital communication must be exhausted before the call for divorce...
There is not much you can do now but wait.
While waiting, put a check on your mind.
You are tired because the mind keep churning and churning.
Don't think anymore. And whatever, let it be.
Nothing can happen that is too great for you to handle.
Even if your home is hit now by a tsunami, you'll survive.
Fear is making you nervous.
Fear of ......... its just your imagination making you frighten.
Go about normally, and enjoy the quiet of the moment.
Keep us posted.
Originally posted by Carb:I am speechless abt all this now.. Tonight will be the 2nd night he left home.. The next thg I expect is probably some lawyer letter.. I reckon that it’s useless to think about whether he or I am wrong. I guess the bottom line is that he doesn’t see me as his life partner anymore.. Else why would he not wanna come home.. I have given my best for this relationship & I have no idea what I can do to stop my partner from disappearing if he even comes back.. I guess the outcome is quite obvious now..
He has his friends to keep him company.
You only have him to keep you company.
When he goes to his friends and leave you behind... you have no one but yourself.
Are you such a boring person ? Seems so.
What would you be doing with him as a couple IF he isn't with his friends. ? Sit at home.. look at each other... rot away in boredom ? So lets face it.. you are a bore.
Are you such a chore ? You demand attention from him... you want him to do your biddings....do this do that.. to prove his love for you.... To be frank you are a chore to please.
What do you do to make your life lively ? Or do you expect him to be the life of you ?
You cannot make him happy if you are not happy yourself, Nor can he make you happy when you are not happy on your own.
Are you the kind that expect others to give you happiness ? If yes, then you are destined to wallow in unhappiness your whole life.
it seems to me that you're posting online not to get an advise, but to have people to agree with you that whatever you're doing is right, and your husband is at fault.
I've read through the post, and it's all rants about him not ending mj by 1am.
Will it kill you to let him play mj till the next morning? or are u insecure about other stuff?
What are the possibilities of him having another lady behind u? If i were you, i'd be more afraid of the latter. Heck, i do not want the latter. Give the man the mj he wants. Have it at your place at the price of a disturbed sleep if u feel that he's fucking another behind ur back if that's even an issue. Let him have his enjoyment without a time constrain.
yawnz, suck it up. you chose the wrong man, you live with it. how about choosing a husband who'll agree to you all the time for the next husband? That'll suit u pretty well.
Originally posted by Carb:Need some light on why man can change that fast.. We just had our wedding 5 mths ago . No quarrel for the past mths. My husband invited his friends to our place for mahjong and I told him to end at 1am.. We had quarrels previously on mahjong, coz he always come back late. So Usually I ask him to be done by 1am.
Today, he behave like he has brain freeze and insisted that he does not know if they will end at 1,2 or 3am. I am very pissed and asked him if he wants me to text them to find out. I went ahead ahead with it since he said I can. But after I sent, he says he will end the relationship and divorce me if I text his friend.
He took his laptop, left the house. Came back agin to take his shoes and his essentials. I confronted if he really wants a divorce. He replied there is no way he can get along with me. He says that I threaten him and that he is pressurized even with playing mahjong. For goodness sake, he is challenging me when he says they may be up till 2,3am.
I was really surprised.. We were still talking about having a baby days ago.. He was even talking abt it to his mum..
I am very disappointed that the word divorce can be mentioned so freely.. This is his 2nd marriage & we been through a lot to be together..
I did not stop him from doing anything, except that he is to watch his time..
I am wondering if he actually not want this marriage all the while..
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Happened to bump into this thread. Hope I can do something to help.
I am a divorced man, and what you described sort of happened in my past marriage. My ex-wife disliked me playing mahjong, and wanted me to "promise" her what time I would end, and would be angry if I did not keep to my promise. She also did once SMS my mahjong friend directly knowing I would be embarassed by that, which really drove me mad and crazy. Eventually we divorced (not due to mahjong). For your info, I first suggested divorce 3 months after marriage (though we eventually struggled till 1 year+), so worse than your case.
I only know so little about you, and almost nothing about your husband, so I try not to judge, but to share my experience.
Simple point forms:
1. Since your husband little hobby, why don't you just let him play mahjong till whatever time he likes, since his friends are all married and their respective wives would control them? You'll be sleeping, anyway.
2. Do understand that we play mahjong by "rounds", so we cannot promise you what time it will end. And sometimes if you have won and the 3 other players request to play an additional round, it is difficult for a man to turn his friends down, especially with a reason that cites his wife (unless emergency). To a man, it is a loss of face to be perceived as henpecked.
3. Men sometimes refrain from giving promises unnecessarily, because women tend to punish them if they don't keep it, even if it is a small matter or the man did not mean to break it. I don't believe your husband intended to "challenge" you by saying "could be 2am, could be 3am".
4. I suggested divorce (and "let's break up" before marriage) countless of times. My ex-wife said I was a irresponsible man. Believe it or not, I mean it when I say it, and it is always because I feel there is no other option or solution to the problem. In my current relationship I don't see this "irresponsibility" recurring, so I guess the issue was on her, not me.
5. Please. By threatening (no matter you really mean to do it or not) to SMS his friends like what you described was bad enough. I hope you never ever do it. It is an utter loss of face to a man when his woman do that to his friends. And since doing that hurts him, don't expect him to feel love for you. If he cannot feel loved nor feel the love for you, he will behave as if he doesn't, and that will make you feel worse.
Before the love dwindle to zero, or before both of you get consumed by resentment, I strongly suggest both of you to read the book "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus". Do it soon. I did it only when it was too late, but still relieved that I managed to learn so much about women that I did not know before. You would too, read about Men and understand more about why your husband behave at times.