I think no choice, just lie low for now and weather the storm, your husband now also facing job problems, if you nag more, he will be more pissed.
After his mood is better, you can discuss your problems with him.
Originally posted by Carb:I can’t be someone i am not.
Not these gracious type of wife for sure. And Precisely I don’t wanna quarrel in front of his friends, that’s why I wanna tell him my limits.
Instead, he complain he is pressurized etc.. And its once in a blue moon mahjong..Frankly He has been unhappy with his job and has brought the grudges back home for a long while.. His mum asked recently how I can manage his temper.. And I am not feeling good abt all his crap..
I don’t quite under std.. Isn’t our partner suppose to put effort and not burden the other party with too much worries.. I seldom told him abt my worries.. I felt like I m the one absorbing all this while..
Your husband is, emotionally, not as mature as you. But you are expecting him to think and behave as you.
Most men mistakenly think it's ok to treat their wife as emotional dumping ground. They think they are sharing.. but they are actually not.
Being able to deal with problems inwardly and not need to vent or take it out on our partner... requires a good level of maturity.
Your husband is still very immature.
He in bad mood. And you in confusion and paranoia. Just a rough phase now. It will blow over soon.
Originally posted by Carb:Parents not in Singapore.. No where to go .. Which is why I am so sad that he can brush me aside so easily.. I always thought that if you decide to marry someone, it got to be someone you are more than half sure you want to be with.. But thugs are not like this now.. He felt I threaten him and I felt he will go away anytime..
He is not brushing you aside.. he is brushing his "problems" aside.
Brushing aside or slighting... is how some men deals with problems in life. You are probably not the only thing he brushes aside.
He can't deal with problems in his life.... so don't take this too personally.
u may think u absorb more..while he thinks otherwise...
its the way how you communicate your concerns to him....likewise, he would want you to understand his...
I agree with jojo.
Your husband has gathered excess negative energy maybe because of his frustrations in work and playing mahjong is his way of releasing the excess negative energy, when you disrupt the process, he redirects his excess negative energy onto you.
So just play it cool, it has nothing to do with you.
it still goes back to whether u still treasure your love ...if it still exists...
if u think it does....u will have to find better ways to communicate with him...it is tough when you should think why u should do that and not him....
well someone must initiate...
can u ask him register and post oso?
we like to listen to his side of the story.
Originally posted by Carb:His job problem will not go away unless he change job.. Yet it’s diff for him to find another that pays him the same.. This storm may not be over and we may have to go thru the painful stage of annulment/divorce thgy.. Knw him well enough.. He will say it is not mahjong but because I make him lose face by testing his friend that makes him wanna split up w me.. Perhaps it’s really end of the road for us..
We should have broke up 5 yrs ago when he shows his crazy temper.. I change job because he doesn’t like me to travel. I stopped going out w many of my friends coz he wants me to spend more time w him.. It was so bad in the beginning I actually told him he should get back in touch w his friends. But now.. his heck care bat how I feel.. Sian…
No job is without problems and/or frustrations. Even a business owner has tons of problems.
He can change his job.. but he will continue his negative behavior.
Divorce is not something that will solve your problem..there are many "undivorced" couples out there.. who live separate lives.. due to lack of "better choices".
Some divorced people are more depressed than before they got divorced.
If you are strong enough.. you may emerge unscathed. And perhaps be able to lead a better life after the split.
Your emotional health is important as you course through difficulties in your life.
Originally posted by Carb:His job problem will not go away unless he change job.. Yet it’s diff for him to find another that pays him the same.. This storm may not be over and we may have to go thru the painful stage of annulment/divorce thgy.. Knw him well enough.. He will say it is not mahjong but because I make him lose face by testing his friend that makes him wanna split up w me.. Perhaps it’s really end of the road for us..
I think you now emtionally unstable. You should go and sleep now, or is your husband still playing mahjong?
U married a mahjong player....so you shd have known his habits. You married a divorcee whose ex wife didnt trust him......hmm I think you knew what sort of matrimony you were getting into. Then you messaged his friend to check on him......wow that part really sucks :)
You can't keep a man if he decides to leave. Today he may just be blurting, tomorrow he's walking out. These are signs of things to come. Don't try too hard to hold on to a divorce happy husband......seems he can't get a grip on rationality. It takes both hands to clap....and seriously, a spouse who plays mahjong till 3am is a shitty one. I don't think he would take it lying down if you were to be playing mahjong till that time and it's something which is not his pastime.
u have to ask yourself whether its worth letting it off ...
if u really find it hard to communicate at this critical moment...try getting a close third party to bridge the communication....
have you approached his mum or sisters/brothers?
Originally posted by Carb:Perhaps Our characters really clash too much…
Both stubborn personality.
Originally posted by Carb:No la. To be fair to him, he is not addicted to mahjong. It’s just that I don’t understand why he can’t compromise to the same 1am like in the past. He doesn’t play very often But I do know they very much want to..
Sounds like petty issue. Just let it calm down and it will die out on its own.
if u want him to agree with your terms...perhaps there is some terms he want you to agree which you have not been doing....perhaps
Originally posted by Carb:No la. To be fair to him, he is not addicted to mahjong. It’s just that I don’t understand why he can’t compromise to the same 1am like in the past. He doesn’t play very often But I do know they very much want to..
Also, I NEVER check on him. Not so stupid.. I am in sales and mktg.. This Is a big no no.. I meant I text to ask his frn if mahjong will last till 3am when he refuse to answer to me and say I can ask them. But right after I send the text, he says he will divorce if I send. I can’t retrieve the message obviously..
This is merely a Power struggle between you and him.
A senseless one to boot.
You want to MAKE HIM.. do what you what him to do... that is your validation of his love for you.. is it not ?
Some girls wants diamonds.. you want him to do your biddings..
Don't validate his love like that.. you will be disappointed.
there should be a fair and balanced exchange...in order to establish harmony
Give up the senseless struggle and peacefully communicate and co-exist with your husband. Follow the words of Mao:
The sentence I’ll fight my way may be divided into two more sentences: if I can win, I will fight; if I cannot win, I will run away. Imperialists are most afraid of this method.
If I can win, I will eat you up; if I cannot win, I will run away, making it impossible for you to find me.
http://www.marxists.org/reference/archive/mao/selected-works/volume-9/mswv9_40.htm
Can win then fight, cannot win then run away. No need to waste energy fighting battles that cannot be won.
Carb
You made the decision, you knew the score.
You disregarded the facts, and went into this marriage with eyes wide open.
You gotta face it, you will have a rocky life ahead of you.
You know the kind of man you willingly married. He gave you a very clear indication early. You chose to marry him. You have to make the adjustments, not him.
Don't expect the world to be namby pamby according to logic. Your idea is: marraige what, both of us have the responsibility to make it work. The others here would agree to that notion, but in the real world it doesn't work that way. You can cry foul all you want to, and have all your supporters back you up, but it is not going to change the tone of you marriage. You have to practically find that out now and make the adjustment.
As for mahjong, you must understand that there are rounds that must be completed and that the four players get equal chance. So a game ends when it ends and not at a pre-set time. And when another round starts, it cannot abruptly end, it has to complete its course. So cannot treat him like a kid, and get him to come home like Cinderella.
You say you only ask him, he says you threatened him. This means that you both have not understood each other well yet. You want to modify him to suit you? You can only if you are strong and domineering over him and he is submissive. I don't think that is the case here.
So in the give and take equation, You give, He takes.
He must have some qualities that you find attractive, dwell on that, build on that, he may come around.
Good luck.
PS. I hope you are just releasing your pent up frustrations here.