How to tackle this problem?
-
Hi, guys. I had a problem that I got no one to turn to because it's also relatively complicated to my friends to help me too, so I seek your help or advice in the aid of solving the problem. Some may still remember my "age gap" thread, but I'll explain it again here.It's a relationship problem and it's really difficult for me to solve it. Let's refer this girl as J. I knew her for almost 4 years, all started that she joined the martial arts club I was in too. During that time I was a trainee and so had a lot of time to chat with her during training or the break in between. Soon I realized that I fell for her, I started to look out for her. Some time later, I had a chat with her and soon confessed. May be because of the 5 years age gap we had and may be her family problem too (yeah, I shouldn't had fall for her at that age, but it happened), we agreed that we wait for another 3 years before we get together. Now here comes the first stupid thing I did back then, I said that I don't mind if she found a guy better than me within this 3 years, but she must tell me honestly and she agreed to it. After the "3 years promise" we remained as very good friends, even my coach and friends had noticed how close that me and her had become. Everything was ok until like 6 months after making the promise, I started to notice that she had posted a lot of status about love on other social website. I couldn't help but to start getting paranoid and suspicious. One day I finally asked her whether is that she had a boyfriend outside there? Initially she said no, but after much persuasion, she finally admitted that she indeed had one outside without my knowing. I know that we are not a couple yet and it really hurt me a lot, she even mentioned that she treated me like a brother all the while. I was destroyed the moment she said that, I wonder if that's the case, why would she make the promise along with me. It's the only time I've made promise to a special girl and ever since then, no girls had gave me the feeling that she gave me. Ever since that day, my heart as if it has died. I could no longer find anything interesting, thus I devoted myself in school work and martial arts training at that time. After a month or 2, I realized that she broke off with her boyfriend, whom I had no idea who is it. But I never thought of woo-ing her again until one day in the late 2009, she asked me out to take a neoprint. I was shocked as I never really take a neoprint before, let alone with a girl alone. We had a good chat that day and finally parted ways as she need to go home and I'm meeting another group of friends. Following that neoprint taking, we slowly chat like how we used to in the past when I woo-ing her. We began to get close like how we used to again, my coach noticed it and hint me that the line of a trainer and a trainee must be clear, but I don't really care because during training, I am too busy in teaching the others. (I was a black belt at that point of time) We carried on like that for some time, then I finally had the first date with her, it's watching a movie. I am very nervous at that time and I almost unable to talk well in front of her. Not only the date, we also like gave each other something. She once gave me a pudding which she made it herself. A lot of my friends told me it's a good sign, but some also said it's a different idea. Of course, I made her a cake as well and she liked it. There was once which that I'm meeting her to give her the birthday present I had for her, it's a watch. I realized that her aunt (who is taking care of her since she grow up in a single parents family) was giving me the look like scanning me from head to toe. Even her older brother was doing the same thing. Other than the birthday gift, I also folded her 13 roses as I can't afford that much roses during the valentine's day. The message more or less was very clear, I want to woo her again. Several times we talked about this, but she never actually faced it directly. Always saying that she needs time to think. So a week before the enlistment day, I asked her again. She said she did give it a thought of being together as a couple, but she said it might be better to stay it that way, she can't imagine us being together. It's another shock to me, which also caused me to almost had a depression during the confinement week. We made it clear that we should remains as very good friend and here's the second stupid promised that I've made to her, I'll never leave her. My friends once again scolded me for doing so, but I feel that she's that special for me to do so. During my time in BMT, I spent a lot of time talking to her whenever it's possible. Although it's all through sms, but I like to chat with her, it always bring a smile to my face. Nothing really happen until recently, when I go back to army after my surgery. We started talking, again, like how we used to when I'm trying to woo her. Talking about relationship and stuff. Although it's not as good as what the previous 2 times were, but it sure felt like it's slowly progressing into repeating it's history. Recently, I just made the 3rd promise which my friends thought it's stupid, I thought her that if no one takes care of her, I will. I think the feeling I felt for her has beyond the feeling of "like", I'm not sure how it felt like of "love", but I'm just very happy talking to her. I don't deny that until now, I still had to feeling, I can't help but to think that she's the only girl for me. This thing had been going on for 3 years and reaching 4 years soon. Last month, I went to a fortune teller with kelvin and terry, the master said that the girl for my life already appeared, but the timing is not ripe yet. This was the same thing being told to me when I go to goddess of mercy temple before I enlist to 求簽, the girl is already here, but not the right time yet. What I don't know is what should I do to this relationship? I can't bring myself to like other girl because I know I will regret. But my friends told me if I do so, I will be wasting my time and youth. What should I do? Thanks for listening to me and this wall of text, hope to hear from you guys.
-
omg so long
me no patient to read
-
What is the problem?
Tell us leh!
-
Lets just say its a mistake for waiting for so long before you confess to her. Never wait or delay as feelings may dillute or change. Just face it, she dont like you at all. If she really had the sort of feelings, why after so long still remain as friends ?
Obviously she treats you like a bro or a really good friend. She enjoys your company and shares her things with you. Take a step backwards, and you may find yourself easier to breathe and more relax.
Improve yourself during your NS period. Dont worry your next relationship wont be too far from you
-
You can try and you can keep trying........it is up to you.....
But you need to understand something, which she does not say to you openly......
She does not think you are good enough to be her boyfriend / you dont fulfill her expectations / she does not see you as boyfriend material.
There is a difference between "brother / good friend" , and "boyfriend / potential husband"
She just see you as a "brother / good friend" , and cannot bear herself to convert you into a "boyfriend / potential husband"
This has happened for several years already. It is unlikely to change.
I would like to ask you a question,
Suppose someone cherish you and like you and take you as a "brother / good friend", is this something that you can live with ? Or do you think that this relationship cannot exist ? If you can just have this relationship with her, and this is all that she is capable or ready to give to you, then I think you should acknowledge that and respect that, and move on. Just take her as your "sister / good friend" and find someone else to be your girlfriend.
I dont know whether you are wasting your time or not, but I have a feeling you are. "Love" has many different modes and manifestations. For her, she just see you as an old friend and thats all. Once someone's perceptions have been formed, it is very hard to convert or change that perception. Why not you just cherish the relation that you have with her, which is very good, but in the form of friendship, which is good enough, and is also a form of love, but not a form of boy-girl romantic love, just cherish it and take it as it is. Your efforts to convert it has failed and has been rebuffed repeatedly. So take it as it is, you dont need to be disappointed because it is also a form of love. You just need to stop projecting your expectations onto her and let it be. Go on and live your life and Im sure you will find other women who can be more suitable in building a romantic relationship.
-
The boy is around NS age, the gal + 5 years.
The boy's puppy love does not cut for someone older. She does not want to hurt the boy. At her age, she would be looking for, besides romance, security, stable marriage, a knight in shining armour.
His adolescence promises amuses her, but she knows better. And she is being considerate.
Whats TS problem?
He wants a relationship. And she appears in front of her. He does all that a guy his age does to a gal but does not get the appropriate response. Thats because the gal is 5 years older and is not impressed by the youthful promises. She is amused by them though, or else she would have dumped him like a hot scalding tofu in the mouth. TS can't see the problem.
He is not doing anything wrong, neither is she doing anything wrong.
I don't see any problem except TS expectations. He wants a relationship, she don't.
Only other problem is that his friends keep telling him he is wasting his time. This depends on his expectations, what does he want. Anyway she is not wasting her time.
-
erm, I'm the older one, not her.
-
Originally posted by henshin:
erm, I’m the older one, not her.
Oh ok, but still the same except for the part on her.
I still don't see whats your problem.
Now, it means she can take her time, you are impatient, thats all.
-
The gal is 5 yrs older or 5 yrs younger?
-
Omg ! I better jia you on Nicole Seah. I cannot afford to wait 4 years for Nicole. If Nicole Seah reject me, I shall sweep her off her feet and take her to a remote island of Nias where I shall keep watch over her. Nicole Seah ! I love you !
Here is a picture of me and Nicole Seah.
-
I'm just in confusion of what's lying ahead of me and her, I never encounter such problems before.
-
Just continue as you are now. Just be mindful about the trainer/trainee line, if the coaching is still on going.
Don't think about what your friends say about wasting time.
Stay on course, if you panic and do something rash, she will dump you.
Remember you cannot force her against her will.
Its not a you like, you take situation. She is her own person. So on your side you are set, on her side, you don't know, but it is not bad. Thats why I say no problem there.
Just continue as per normal. As long as it takes.
Some people take more than seven years.
-
Originally posted by henshin:
Hi, guys. I had a problem that I got no one to turn to because it’s also relatively complicated to my friends to help me too, so I seek your help or advice in the aid of solving the problem. Some may still remember my “age gap” thread, but I’ll explain it again here.It’s a relationship problem and it’s really difficult for me to solve it. Let’s refer this girl as J.
I knew her for almost 4 years, all started that she joined the martial arts club I was in too. During that time I was a trainee and so had a lot of time to chat with her during training or the break in between. Soon I realized that I fell for her, I started to look out for her. Some time later, I had a chat with her and soon confessed. May be because of the 5 years age gap we had and may be her family problem too (yeah, I shouldn’t had fall for her at that age, but it happened), we agreed that we wait for another 3 years before we get together. Now here comes the first stupid thing I did back then, I said that I don’t mind if she found a guy better than me within this 3 years, but she must tell me honestly and she agreed to it.
After the “3 years promise” we remained as very good friends, even my coach and friends had noticed how close that me and her had become. Everything was ok until like 6 months after making the promise, I started to notice that she had posted a lot of status about love on other social website. I couldn’t help but to start getting paranoid and suspicious. One day I finally asked her whether is that she had a boyfriend outside there? Initially she said no, but after much persuasion, she finally admitted that she indeed had one outside without my knowing. I know that we are not a couple yet and it really hurt me a lot, she even mentioned that she treated me like a brother all the while. I was destroyed the moment she said that, I wonder if that’s the case, why would she make the promise along with me. It’s the only time I’ve made promise to a special girl and ever since then, no girls had gave me the feeling that she gave me.
Ever since that day, my heart as if it has died. I could no longer find anything interesting, thus I devoted myself in school work and martial arts training at that time.
After a month or 2, I realized that she broke off with her boyfriend, whom I had no idea who is it. But I never thought of woo-ing her again until one day in the late 2009, she asked me out to take a neoprint. I was shocked as I never really take a neoprint before, let alone with a girl alone. We had a good chat that day and finally parted ways as she need to go home and I’m meeting another group of friends.
Following that neoprint taking, we slowly chat like how we used to in the past when I woo-ing her. We began to get close like how we used to again, my coach noticed it and hint me that the line of a trainer and a trainee must be clear, but I don’t really care because during training, I am too busy in teaching the others. (I was a black belt at that point of time)
We carried on like that for some time, then I finally had the first date with her, it’s watching a movie. I am very nervous at that time and I almost unable to talk well in front of her. Not only the date, we also like gave each other something. She once gave me a pudding which she made it herself. A lot of my friends told me it’s a good sign, but some also said it’s a different idea. Of course, I made her a cake as well and she liked it.
There was once which that I’m meeting her to give her the birthday present I had for her, it’s a watch. I realized that her aunt (who is taking care of her since she grow up in a single parents family) was giving me the look like scanning me from head to toe. Even her older brother was doing the same thing. Other than the birthday gift, I also folded her 13 roses as I can’t afford that much roses during the valentine’s day. The message more or less was very clear, I want to woo her again.
Several times we talked about this, but she never actually faced it directly. Always saying that she needs time to think. So a week before the enlistment day, I asked her again. She said she did give it a thought of being together as a couple, but she said it might be better to stay it that way, she can’t imagine us being together. It’s another shock to me, which also caused me to almost had a depression during the confinement week. We made it clear that we should remains as very good friend and here’s the second stupid promised that I’ve made to her, I’ll never leave her. My friends once again scolded me for doing so, but I feel that she’s that special for me to do so.
During my time in BMT, I spent a lot of time talking to her whenever it’s possible. Although it’s all through sms, but I like to chat with her, it always bring a smile to my face.
Nothing really happen until recently, when I go back to army after my surgery. We started talking, again, like how we used to when I’m trying to woo her. Talking about relationship and stuff. Although it’s not as good as what the previous 2 times were, but it sure felt like it’s slowly progressing into repeating it’s history. Recently, I just made the 3rd promise which my friends thought it’s stupid, I thought her that if no one takes care of her, I will.
I think the feeling I felt for her has beyond the feeling of “like”, I’m not sure how it felt like of “love”, but I’m just very happy talking to her. I don’t deny that until now, I still had to feeling, I can’t help but to think that she’s the only girl for me. This thing had been going on for 3 years and reaching 4 years soon. Last month, I went to a fortune teller with kelvin and terry, the master said that the girl for my life already appeared, but the timing is not ripe yet. This was the same thing being told to me when I go to goddess of mercy temple before I enlist to 求簽, the girl is already here, but not the right time yet.
What I don’t know is what should I do to this relationship? I can’t bring myself to like other girl because I know I will regret. But my friends told me if I do so, I will be wasting my time and youth. What should I do? Thanks for listening to me and this wall of text, hope to hear from you guys.
How glamorous it is to romanticize your affection - each time with
greater intensity and stake. Beneath that miasma of words that drowns
you so deep in your seeming unattainable love is a terribly self
indulging fantasy, lyrically synonymous to several of Jay Chou-like
songs. You are not stuck in a limbo of love - rather, it is this narcissistic addiction to these meaningless promises that keep you going. You are symbolically in love with these attachments - you add with a dosage of mystical element like 'the girl is here but not the right time', it simply perpetuate your bondage to this karmic relationship.
The truth is that you don't have a position of a boyfriend. Nevermind. So you create new positions: (1) Three years promise friend, (2) never leave you promise friend, (3) I will take care of you promise friend (almost like SM, MM and ESM).
The real question is that does she really need your promises to carry on life well? Or do you subconsciously instill such promises, so as to carry on this mindless affection because deep inside, you don't want to give up this fantasy?
It is likely to be the latter.
P.S: Unless one can peer through the cloud of delusion, this obsession will likely to entrench you in this karmic whirlpool. There is nothing to solve; there are only perspectives to understand.
Cheers
-
TS, I think it is better to open up to more options instead of sticking on to her as you never know whether she will like you or love you or wanted to be with you as a partner.
Dont get too worry or anxious, talk and go out with her more often but then, remember, keep your option open to others. I am afraid you might miss out some really nice ladies along the way.
-
Hi Ts,
lets do a test, but be honest with your answer.
Imagine you are jogging in the park at night. suddenly you heard loud moans in the bushes and you went up to see.
You saw J making love to another guy, what will you do?
I need to know how you feel.
-
Its not a critical problem, you have to ask yourself whether you really loved her....if the answer is yes and definitely, then you should not give up....also you may have to accept how she is and the things she do....love will be the critical decision....
-
-DRC: I would be totally heart broken, but at the same time, I wouldn't blame her either, unless she was being raped or things like that. Despite saying all these, I wouldn't know until this thing really happens. - Demon bane: Sorry, I don't really get what you said over here, please elaborate. Thanks.
-
Originally posted by henshin:
-DRC: I would be totally heart broken, but at the same time, I wouldn’t blame her either, unless she was being raped or things like that. Despite saying all these, I wouldn’t know until this thing really happens.
- Demon bane: Sorry, I don’t really get what you said over here, please elaborate. Thanks.
I mean you have to accept her as what she is...her character and her past doings...if you can't accept her past doings (eg. non-virgin and /or have an ex-BF) then don't start this relationship....
-
oh yeah, I'm totally ok with her past. Everyone had a past and some may not be pleasant, but I believe that her past has nothing to do with the feeling I had for her now and the past 3 years.
-
Originally posted by henshin:
oh yeah, I’m totally ok with her past. Everyone had a past and some may not be pleasant, but I believe that her past has nothing to do with the feeling I had for her now and the past 3 years.
Since you response to your own heart, go for her lor !!! No point thinking over potential problems, just be frank and chase her lah ! Action is better than any "promises"...you want her to be your steady or your best fren ? You seem ambiguous about this leh....
-
I still think you should go for it ! Dun think too much and regret later !
-
I'm pretty determined to chase her, but I'm not so sure about her, this is the 3rd time of me doing so for her and because of the first 2 times, I'm also quite paranoid to what she said and did. Yet, I am going for her, no doubt about it. Just wondering is it the right thing to do or not?
-
Originally posted by henshin:
I’m pretty determined to chase her, but I’m not so sure about her, this is the 3rd time of me doing so for her and because of the first 2 times, I’m also quite paranoid to what she said and did. Yet, I am going for her, no doubt about it. Just wondering is it the right thing to do or not?
Ask her to reveal her true intentions and true feelings lor....you are not psychic, if she din say u may never know....ask her directly lah....even if in the end you become best frens, its still worth the try right ? Hahaha!
-
Yalor, we gals dun mind being ask, in fact, this gal is already a pro in gf/bf subject, so just ask lor, that will make you in a better positon to judge to go or not to go after her, sometime, i dun understand why you accept all these uncles answers, they know nuts about today gf/bf relationship. Let sister here teach you lah, as a gal, we sometime may just want to play around, like me, kind of your gf age, also like to play around with guy, but, come to seriousness, if you ask me directly, i will tell you, sorry dude, no love involved.
Dude, when a gal really love a guy, she dun react like what you friend is reacting, no harm asking her, she will not give you a definite answer ya, that's is for sure, but you should know yourself, dun be fool and blind by Love, remove that love for once and see the true side of her, than make your decision.
Do you love me?
Huh? what are you asking? crazy or what?
No lah, I ask do you love to eat mee hoon or meepok.
skillful hor
-
Originally posted by angel7030:
Yalor, we gals dun mind being ask, in fact, this gal is already a pro in gf/bf subject, so just ask lor, that will make you in a better positon to judge to go or not to go after her, sometime, i dun understand why you accept all these uncles answers, they know nuts about today gf/bf relationship. Let sister here teach you lah, as a gal, we sometime may just want to play around, like me, kind of your gf age, also like to play around with guy, but, come to seriousness, if you ask me directly, i will tell you, sorry dude, no love involved.
Dude, when a gal really love a guy, she dun react like what you friend is reacting, no harm asking her, she will not give you a definite answer ya, that's is for sure, but you should know yourself, dun be fool and blind by Love, remove that love for once and see the true side of her, than make your decision.
Do you love me?
Huh? what are you asking? crazy or what?
No lah, I ask do you love to eat mee hoon or meepok.
skillful hor
Excuse me are u calling me uncle ? Hahaha!
Yeap! Just be straight forward and ask her directly !