Mum and Kid Issue....
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Your daughter... or hers ?
Could be her main concern is missing her granddaughter. you can try reassuring her of visits even after marriage.
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There is no other road.
Leave her with with you mother , ....... till your mother died .... your child grow up to be a bitter girl without dad & mun love ... and then when - she too grown up to intergrate with you and your husband !!!
You only can do what is best for everyone - have a proper family for your little girl, for your mother side, is she understand - good , it not then forget it !!! She is just too selfish that she but her own happiness before her grand daughter and daughter. I would say bring your daughter to stay with you.
Just do your best to visit your mum often.
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Firstly, please be sure you found a perfect man, cos to me, there is any hardly perfect man ya.
Secondly, you must also acknowledge the mistake you make in your life and that is why you end up with this dilemma.
Thirdly, you must be able to explain to your mother, if she loves you and your so called princess, she must let both of you go for your happiness in life, that is true love, not possesive love which she is showing now. As elderly, she should be able to comprehend the situation, however, she can alway visit her or you sent her to your mother if both of you are working.
Fourth, Learn to take elderly as an asset than a obstacle, old folks like to get involve, like me, i use my grandma do marketing, look out at the maids, feed the dogs and do cooking, get them busy, for your case, can use yr mother as childcare taker, so good, no need maid or childcare centre, once they are busy, they got no time to complain or even talk to you, no say bothering you.
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
I’m a single mother and that I’ve a 3 year old princess. I met the perfect man of my life and am getting married some time in June this year. However, I’ve a big issue here. Being a single mother, never married before, I’ve been staying at my mum’s place since the birth of my little princess.
However, my relationship with my mum has never been smooth sailing as my parents were divorced since I was 9 and thereafter, I stayed with my 2 elder sisters and the 3 of us grew up without parents by our side. It was only after the birth of my princess that I decided to move over to her place.
Now that I’ve found the man of my life, she has been giving me a lot of problems which include not attending my upcoming wedding. And I understand my partner's worries. If his mum was as difficult as mine, I would have been even more worried. However, he stood by me though he frequently expressed his fears and concerns about my mum.
Since I’ve already moved over to his place, we’ve decided to bring along my girl with us so she can grow with us as a family and as a matter of fact, it has always been my wish to complete her with a family not just with a mum but with a dad as well. My little princess has started addressing
my fiancé as her daddy and that I’ve also done a deed poll for her.
Now the problem is, my mum really loves my girl to the extend we felt she’ll NOT let me bring my princess to stay with my fiancé and I. She has been telling others that she’s afraid I’ll bring my daughter away after I’m married.
Can anyone share his/her thoughts in regards to this? What should I do? To bring or not to bring?
What do you think is best for the child?Don't abandon your child with your mother.
She abandoned you and your siblings when you were young.. what makes you think she's a good candidate to raise your child this time ?
Your mother is a grandmother... she cannot replace the love of a mother.
Your mom is not supportive of your marriage.. then let her be.
She is bitter because her own marriage did not work out.
Remember this ...A person who is not happy cannot give another happiness.
Build your own family.. live a happy life.. if she wants to be part of your world.. she will need to first let go of her bitter past... else she will bring all of you down to her bitter depths.
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
Hi,
Guess perhaps some of you might not know how bad my relationship with my mother is but I guess it's beyond comprehend.
Firstly, would like to highlight that I've never regard my mother as an obstacle. Maybe I phrased it wrongly, my bad.
To me, everyone has their story to tell. I can only say that my mother hasn't been the sweetest mum in the world. =D
I'm just concerned about my little girl rather than my mother at this point of time because I've given up on my mum the moment she refused to attend my wedding because I won't wish that for anybody who are getting married.
Maybe I'm heartless but I've given it far too many tries in trying to please her.
Now my main concern is how I can go about getting back my girl if I really want to as well. That's why I'm vexed. And because of what my sisters say, I became confused if I'm doing the right thing by bringing her back which of cause I would loved very much to.
The only obstacle you may face is .. if your husband refused to have your daughter be part of his new found family.
Your sisters do not live your life.. nor are they mother of your child.
Do what is best for YOUR CHILD.. not what is best for others.
Your sisters may have their own opinion.. your mom may have her own opinions and feelings... what matter most is what you want for your child and your husband is in total support.
Live your life your way.. not how others want you to live.
What is so difficult about getting your child back ? Is your mom holding her hostage ?
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What did your sisters say ?
As for your daugther........obviously the child would follow the parent......so she would follow you.......if you move then she moves........It's very normal and obviously thats the correct action........
If your mother is concerned that she would miss your daugther / her granddaugther....well it is a normal sentiment too.....but this is not....umm.....I think maybe you misinterpret it too.....because why are you becoming so vexed about it....it's just a normal sentiment being expressed that she would miss the granddaugther......but obviously that doesnt mean you should leave the child in the care of the grandma....the child should follow the parent....not the grandparent........just say to her and assure her that you both would continue to visit and see her regularly, and likewise, she can also drop by frequently to visit you both........
Umm...something else I wanna say to you.....
Dont say bad things about your mum to your fiancee......
Your duty as a child and as a family member, is to protect the image and reputation of your family, and also to integrate your fiancee successfully into your family so that they all can have good relations.
In keeping with that general objective, try to be more careful and dont say "shes not a very good mother" or divulge too much intimate details about your history and so on so forth. When you do that, you will create negative impression in the mind of your fiance, and even you are complicating matters and creating disharmony. Your job and your role is to encourage a smooth relation.
Also in keeping with that, if your fiancee says something bad or negative about your mum, you have to pay attention and stop him if he goes overboard.
Ok good luck.
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
Anyway thanks for all the replies because at least I know much clearer on what should be done.
I guessed it's really quite a 'unique' situation and you guys probably won't be able to imagine how possessive my mother is towards my daughter.
We tried sitting down as a family, my mother & sisters to try to iron out our differences and when the situation turns ugly and I told her I'll bringing my girl away, she carried my girl away from me and told me not to.
Imagine how helpless I was at that point of time.
Agree to let your mother VISIT your daughter 3 times a week.. or as often as you are comfortable. But your daughter must live with you for most part. Agree to let her watch your daughter on some days so you can go do groceries and run errants.
Your mother must learn to share your daughter with you and other family members...
It is UNHEALTHY ..If you continue to let your mother hoard your daughter.. your mother will have an even harder time when your daughter needs to leave the nest to live her own life...
I know of a mother who refused to let her child date anyone because she wants to keep him by her side until she dies... he is now 50 and still single..living all by himself in the flat she left him.
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
Veggie,
I understand your concerns. Don't you share your family things with your partner? Then I guess we've different character cuz I would want my partner to know more about me and my everything which includes my family. =)
I'm not against your idea just that it kind of differs from mine so no comments to that.
If you must know, my mother has a bf who has no kids. My daughter is currently addressing him as PAPA. And my mother REFUSE to let me bring my daughter back. If things were that simple like just telling her, assuring her, I won't be posting, won't be feeling vexed.
Would have felt that it's as easy as ABC but apparently, she's not allowing that to happen.
Your mother is living in her make believe world.
She is pretending your child is her own.. her boyfriend is the papa and she is living a life she never had.
Your mom needs psychological help. Your daughter is still young.. she won't remember this messed up part of her life.. it's best to end the make believe soon.
You are a mother.. do what you need to do to protect your child.
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If she refuse then you just insist......its not a big problem....
Or you try to do some sort of transition or easening process........for instance bring them both to a certain place together.....or bring your daugther out for a while, for an outing or a trip........or bring them both to the new flat.......try to think of some transitions....
Anyways dont be too concerned about it......the child following you is correct.....now the matter is just how to smooth it with regards to your mum...
Umm......about your fiancee and your mom.........
I know you want to confide and share things in your life to your loved partner.....talk about everything and share everything......but really.....you have to think about the impact and the effect.......
Right now he is transitioning to become a son-in-law and also to become a brother-in-law..........your role is really to help integrate him and to encourage a smooth relation.......
In the past you can confide in him, because he was merely your boyfriend. But later after you both get married, his status becomes an in-law. He will be more in contact and will be more involved in the family than before.
If you just confide and confide......and let him be your listening ear, in the past you can do that but now you have to stop and reverse gear. You are already creating bad impression and bad image in his mind, this will create problems.
If you are not careful, you are sowing the seed of your own problem. Because later there may be conflicts and unhappiness between your mum and your husband. This may result in additional problems of your sisters being unhappy and displeased with your husband.
So do you want the situation where you are stuck in the middle and you have to mediate between your mum and your sisters on one hand, and your husband on the other hand.
If you dont want that to happen, then you have to lay the correct foundation, and dont lay the wrong foundation......
It's the same like the way you are trying to integrate your fiance with your daughter.......you feel happy that she calls him "papa" right ? Similarly you also have to think about the others in your family, such as your mum and the rest. Dont divulge your unhappiness and issues onto your fiancee, it will poison things.
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Gay also can give advices on women family issue hor -
Originally posted by Singularity123:
Actually I didn't need to say anything if my mother hadn't react to an incident previously that manner.
The story goes like this. I was staying at my mother's place and I have this digital photo printer which at the same is a digital photo frame so I suggested to place it in the living room for display.
However, after moving to my fiance's place, I needed it to print some photos and since I found a digital frame at my fiance's place not knowing the quality of it, suggested to my mum that maybe I can bring that and place it at her place instead for display.
However, when we bring back and displayed it out, I realised the quality is not as good as the previous one (Sony).
My mother seemed pissed and accused us of giving her lousy quality items while I tried to explain that I needed the previous frame as it's a photo printer as well and that I needed it not because I want to display at my fiance's place but that I needed it to print photos.
She ignored my explanation and became angry. She refused to acknowledge my fiance's greetings and whenever we leave the house after bringing my girl out, my fiance would as a respect tell her that we're leaving but she also ignored him by facing her back at him.
As for me, I totally ignored her as well because I find her ridiculous and unreasonable for things I've no fault at.
Since then, from her actions then my fiance came to know about my mum's behavior which I don't even need to tell him anything about it! =)
Actually hor, we should take care of the young ones, the old ones dun really hv much time left, pardon me. But if you are smart, you can see the link now is between your mom and yr daughter, yr fiance to your mom is like an enemy, someone who come and snatch her grand daughter away, if let say you do not hv a daughter, i dun think she care so much. If you mom is stubborn and never listen to explanation just like my grandma, there is actually nothing much you can do with old pple, the only solution is to live with it, but take care of the young one first, if not, she may grow up getting naughty and never listen to you, and when you said her, she will reply, you also never treat grandma nice, why should i listen to you. -
Firstly, like what Angie said, 'there is any hardly perfect man'. In fact, no one is perfect, man or woman. Marriage is about love, commitment and acceptance. Not about a perfect match.
Secondly, your mother's fear of losing her granddaughter is perfectly natural, especially since she's been helping care for her. No matter how bad you feel she is, she was still there for you and your daughter when you were most in need of help.
Thirdly and lastly, if your guy is any good, he'd encourage you to work out something with your mother and not dismiss her. Of course your daughter should live with her father and mother, but she also needs her grandmother whom she had been with since birth.
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TS, i believe you grew up in an environment where you do not have or enjoyed the presence and care of your parents. You should know how it feels like to be in that situation and i do not think the same thing should happen to your daughter unless u are telling me that you have a more enjoyable childhood then children from a normal family. Then i have nth else to say and you can leave your daughter with your mum. Not to be offensive here, but your mum has left you for more than 10yrs, not doing the job or a parent and gave you good guidance. Which is guess it probably contributed a small reason as to why you are a single mum(again i am not be prejudiced against you). For someone who cant even perform your job as a mother well and choose to leave you when you need her most, who is she to force you to leave your daughter with her and what right does she have? Is she going to leave your daughter alone again if she face the same or wadever reason she had just like 10-20years ago? Are you going to let your daughter take that risk? Furthermore, from your posts it seems as though she's just trying to give you a hard time aka, 鸡蛋里�挑骨头. Did she even try to make your life any better or has she all along been thinking of herself that now she's old and she needs someone to accompany her as she completes the rest of her life journey? Does that atone for leaving you when you were young? According to what you mentioned, you have found the guy of your life and you have intended to get married. I congratulate you for that. However, can you leave your daughter with your mum? If you accomodate to her and yet you would not like to give up your daughter, are you going to sacrifice the chances of a life long happiness with this guy? I believe all parents love their children but not all parents are selfless which in terms of your mum, she is just being selfish for her own needs because she wants her grand daughter by her side. IMO too much is being sacrificed if you were to accomodate to your mum. So what if you cant get the blessings from your mum? You grew and faced whatever thats outside alone. My call is to not sacrifice what may not come easily for someone who left you when you needed the person most. Please do consider seriously and i wish you have a good future ahead, with the guy you are marrying.Good luck, best wishes :)
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
Actually I didn't need to say anything if my mother hadn't react to an incident previously that manner.
The story goes like this. I was staying at my mother's place and I have this digital photo printer which at the same is a digital photo frame so I suggested to place it in the living room for display.
However, after moving to my fiance's place, I needed it to print some photos and since I found a digital frame at my fiance's place not knowing the quality of it, suggested to my mum that maybe I can bring that and place it at her place instead for display.
However, when we bring back and displayed it out, I realised the quality is not as good as the previous one (Sony).
My mother seemed pissed and accused us of giving her lousy quality items while I tried to explain that I needed the previous frame as it's a photo printer as well and that I needed it not because I want to display at my fiance's place but that I needed it to print photos.
She ignored my explanation and became angry. She refused to acknowledge my fiance's greetings and whenever we leave the house after bringing my girl out, my fiance would as a respect tell her that we're leaving but she also ignored him by facing her back at him.
As for me, I totally ignored her as well because I find her ridiculous and unreasonable for things I've no fault at.
Since then, from her actions then my fiance came to know about my mum's behavior which I don't even need to tell him anything about it! =)
In her defense.. you are at fault.
I'm sorry to say this, but you seem to make a LOT of bad choices in life. And the people around you suffers for it.
First of all.. why can't you just go buy another printer, instead of swapping the digital frame ?
You may think you are saving money... but it makes your fiance looks like a CHEAPSKATE who cannot even afford a better gadget. Any mother will start to look down on a cheapskate son in law.
So don't blame your mother for being mad. You've done some really stupid things and yet you refused to acknowledge your own problem.
I don't want to sound mean here.. but are you in denial ?
Frankly, I'm starting to wonder if your mom is protecting your daughter from you..
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
In her defense.. you are at fault.
I'm sorry to say this, but you seem to make a LOT of bad choices in life. And the people around you suffers for it.
First of all.. why can't you just go buy another printer, instead of swapping the digital frame ?
You may think you are saving money... but it makes your fiance looks like a CHEAPSKATE who cannot even afford a better gadget. Any mother will start to look down on a cheapskate son in law.
So don't blame your mother for being mad. You've done some really stupid things and yet you refused to acknowledge your own problem.
I don't want to sound mean here.. but are you in denial ?
Frankly, I'm starting to wonder if your mom is protecting your daughter from you..
i beg to differ from that. If the printer can still be used why bother to spend unnecessary money? They are planning or intending to get married right? Shouldn't the money be saved for other purpose rather than necessary spending like this? Honestly i dun get why ppl always have this kind of mentality like the guy dun buy sth or dun do sth and the female family regards it as cheapskate? It is essentially a small issue, if the mother is really concerned why make a damn hella noise to things unhappy for everyone? Wont the mother rather the daughter save that money up? -
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
imdestinyz,
thanks for being so understanding. whichever you've said makes perfect sense so i really thank you for that. =)
To those who suggested that my mum might not be the best candidate to take care of my girl since she walked out when I was young, seriously, this thought didn't cross my mind and I'm thankful I posted this issue and get to have more opinions and best of all, good ones.
Thanks for allowing me to look in further not just providing my girl with a complete family but also seeing what's best for her.
Who knows my mum might just walk out again 10 years later if she's tired of taking care of her, that's really true! =)
Jojo,
Am not sure if you are a She or He. If you're a She, i wish you all the best in finding someone who is able to get you new things eventhough unnecessary and well, hopefully your the other half still stands by you after you've used up all his money.
Similarly if you're a He, I wish you all the money in the world because I don't think it's ever going to be enough to satisfy everyone surrounding you. =)
All in all, good luck to you!
I am a proud mother of a newborn princess.
When I got married..and moved to my new home.. my husband made sure I have everything I need. There was no need for me to salvage anything .. nor was there any need to take things I bought that's still residing in my old house which I shared with my older brother and his family .
Your mother took care of your child for the past 3 years.. and gave you a roof over your head after your ex lover abandoned you and your baby on the streets....remember ???
WHAT have you done for your mother.. to repay her ?
Instead...You claim the printer as yours, because you bought it.. and blame her negative reaction for your own pettiness... is she not even worth the price of a new printer ?
Is the printer worth the animosity you created ?
We all make mistakes in our life.. but if we can't admit our mistakes and weaknesses.. we will never learn.. we cannot be a better person.
I also wish you the best in your new found love and do hope your child have a better childhood than you did.
A child with one stupid parent is unfortunate... a child with TWO stupid parents is screwed for life.
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Originally posted by Singularity123:
There is something i wish to add.....the printer which i brought over to my fiance place actually belongs to me, i actually paid for it. It is not something which belongs to my mum and i bring over to my fiance place...:P
Ok you pay for the printer.
Please tell us for the 3yrs you stay at your mum place, eat at her food and she look after your kid, - please tell us, how you actually paid for that ?