How to appease boyfriend
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My name is Dawn, I am 18 this year.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to 3 years. There is a problem that has been bugging us for quite some time, he is still very angry about the incident but I have no idea how to appease him.
The problem started when I was doing a long school project that lasted 6months and I had problems leading my team. Everyone in the team waits for me to tell them what to do before they do anything at all. The project was nearing the end; we were left with only a presentation to prepare. I was getting tired of the project. I plan, I do, I oversee. I was at my limits. My bf offered to help me with my power point slides, I accepted.
He came over; my group was already at my place. I asked me how he would like this to happen. He told me to do my thing, he will wait. My teammates did not finish tidying the required content like what I told them to before the meeting. I told my bf about the situation, he said he will wait. They spent 1hr+ tidying work and asking me what's in what's out. I was very anxious, I did not wanted to make him wait. I wanted to quickly collate the work and pass to my guy. I was stressed up; I had to look at all 4 of my mates progress.
I was talking to my group mate when he interrupted and asked something, i told him to wait. I was very impatient and loud when i said that. He went quiet. When i was done with the work at hand and asked him what's the matter, he just said we ll talk about it later. After my group mates left, I asked him again.
He demanded an explanation for yelling at him. I defended myself, by telling him the reason. I was really busy and stress and I just snapped at him but I didn’t mean it. He asked why didn’t I apologize at once, I told him his tone felt like he was attacking me so I reacted to defend myself and I apologized.
He wasn’t fine with that. He started saying how ungrateful to him. He said he offered his help and had to be treated this way. He said I wasn’t sorry at all. I felt it was pointless explaining to him and I went to my home. He let the matter slide that day.
But, he brings back the incident every now and then and we will argue at night. I feel tired. We argue all night but there is no end to it; I cannot concentrate in school everything after our argument at night. He raised the problem again last night. I told him I don’t understand what's wrong. It’s been 4/5 months and he still not letting the matter go. I am so sick of quarreling.
He said he felt like a fool that day. He felt embarrassed. He felt that I had no right to yell at him when he offered his help. No right to defend. No right to walk out of the conversation that day. He felt that I didn’t treat him as a equal when I yelled at him. He felt that I didn’t care for him because i did not do anything to resolve this. I told him I didn’t apologized at once because he attacked me and my first reaction was to explain myself. He thinks that's bullshyt. And he felt that I am not giving enough in the relationship.
I admit I shouldn’t have yelled at him, but I did explain myself. I did apologized when I knew what was bothering him. He told me I never tried to do anything to resolve this that’s why it keeps coming back. WHAT should I do? He asked if I really love him. He asked what’s love to me. He asked if i cared for him. He asked if he made a mistake in loving me. He asked if I am perhaps too young for relationship. I am so tired and hurt every time we quarrel. His tone, his words. It hurts. I don’t know what to do. He kept asking HOW now? But I have no answer for him.
Please help me. Help me save our relationship before it ends. I am so scared. Before he feels too tired. Before he decide to give up. Before he think its not worth it.
Dawn.
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If he is so xiao qi even after saying sorry. What are you waiting for ?
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The problem is : Saying sorry with a big 'BUT' at the end of it, is not a real apology.
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You hurt him deep inside when you yelled at him infront of your team.
How would you feel if he insulted you infront of his friends?
The hurt cannot easily go away.
Its too late to make restitution. You could have given him credit infront of your team mates after the project was completed. A round of applause from them would have done the repair.
But for now, let time heal.
In the mean time, pick up whats great about him, and announce them to your friends when ever the opportunity arises. Make sure he hears them too. But don't lay it on thick, as it would then look insincere.
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most relationships before 18 don't last. Does that sound comforting enough lol.
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�气鬼
Tell him to get over it or end it. No point dragging on.
Ask yourself, would you want to stay with such a petty guy for the next 10-20 years? If he cannot let go of such a tiny issue then what makes you think he'll be able to handle bigger ones?
Dump the immature brat and count yourself lucky you found out early.
On the other hand, if you think that you reallyyyyyy looovveeee him and cannot live without him and etc etc. Then maybe you can try groveling and kiss his ass to stroke his fragile little ego.
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Thank you all for taking time off to reply my post.
I need help. I dont understand. What does he want out of it when he brings the matter up again?
-mancha: I understand that I have hurted him. Simply, hearing him out and saying sorry isnt going to help. He asked how are we going to solve this. He doesnt believe in the "let time heal all", he wants a solution. But what's that? He wants to feel like he is appeciated? What should I do?
We didnt do anything after what happen. I just made my group pass me what they had and ended the session. My groupmate shook his hand and thanked him for coming b4 they left.- TTFU and littlemissbonkers: No matter what. I believe that he has a reason to be mad since I did raise my voice at him. Call me stubborn, stupid. But, I wish for it to work.
-strodingerscat: If I have read and understand your intend message correctly. I wish u were here to hear how he questioned me. It wasnt like a casal u know, u hurted my feelings when u...
He was very agressive with his tone and choice of words. I d like to see how u wld handled it, if u feel that defending myself was wrong and made my apology seem insincere.
Thankyou. -
fail
say sorry lia0 still dun wan let go
y not u ask him
wad ur fcking problem now?
i already say srry yet u still not happy...
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sometimes jus let nature takes it course. why do you need to even go to the extend to appease him?
it seems a small matter to me, yet it is made the headlines for your r/s. if such matters arise again, you gonna appease him again?
think again. ;)
just my 2cent worth of thoughts ;)
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Yr BF hv a huge fragile ego and petty to boot if what you say is true
I guess it's up to you if you can live with it
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u need to tell him the old monk and young monk and woman story.
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lets take it that a gal's virginity is lost along with her used feminine pride with the guy's dump, its for the gal to swallow it with his most sincere apology?
let the steam goes off once in a while understandably ... and vice versa of course
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Tell him the matter has been throughly discussed over and over. All that you can say has already been said. There is nothing new to add. Be truthful and say that you are tired of this argument. There is nothing more you can do to resolve the matter. (Do not give in to any of his blackmail for appeasement, you have already apologise, and that is enough.) If he really can't let it go, then what some of the forumers say about him being immature is true.
Put your foot down, and tell him to get lost. Better now than later.
The issue is no more about the yelling at him. That has been settled.
The issue is now has changed to his habit of repeating old issues i.e. Nagging. Dump him because he is naggy.
He can't stand being shouted at, you can't stand nagging. tell him that.
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Besides the apology, have you done anything for him like buy him a small gift/dinner etc for help you with the project? The gift can be like a 'thank-you' thingy but also use that opportunity to apologize for what happened. Do something sweet for him. He seems to be wanted to be treated like a 'girl'. Go 'hong-hong' him.
There are 5 love languages in people. Try to find out what is his love language. Different pple got different love language. What works for one couple may not work for another. Couples should excercise love language in any relationship includ parent-child, bgr, husband-wife and even friends... Practice the love language in order to avoid future arguements.
1. Words of affirmation - this love language is about speaking positive and encouraging words. Words have the power of live or death. It can kill, it can also bring a person up. The person feels loved when you give loving and encouraging words. e.g. 'you are awesome/fantastic/the best...' , 'done a great job, can't do it without you...' etc...
2. Quality time - this love language is about spending quality time with your loved one. Not just qunatity time. The person feels loved when you spend quality time with him/her. Bonding session esp when the partner is extremely busy. Being there for each other is challenging momemnts and tough times.
3. Receiving of gifts - the person feels loved when people give him/her presents and gifts. Presents and gifts can be easy way to make this type of person feel loved.
4. Acts of service - this love language is about doing things and serving the other person. The person feels loved when someone does something special for him/her, like carrying his bag, sending her to work, carrying her bag, cooking/washing the dishes etc - serving the person.
5. Physical touch - this love language makes the person feel loved through physical touch, like hugging, a pat on the back/shoulder.
Everybody will have these 5 love languages. Each person may have 2 or more types. Loving a person is not just about love in a bgr relationship but also friends. While you may have already apologized to your bf, have you done anything to thank him for helping you and appreciating him. Find out his love language and make him feel loved. If his love language is not receiving gifts, then giving him gifts is of no use. While other forumers say he is immature, i do agree since you already apologize. Maybe he's around your age and haven't even finish NS. The army should toughen him up. Ask him what he really wants - yes he told you you hurt him. Ask him what he wants since it's so long ago. Talk it thru face2face, not over the phone. Observe his body language and apply the love languages. Most guys have words of affirmation as their love language.
To know more about love languages, there are books on this topic. Google it or find them at the library.
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Give him a good hot sex.
Everything will be fine.
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Dawn, he is using that small mistake you made, against you.
He is exploiting your little mis-step to his advantage.
Nothing you do will appease him, because it's a power play.
If he accepts your apology he will have nothing to beat you down anymore.
Does he feel remorseful making you sad ? No, it's call emotional blackmail. Passive aggression, go read about it.
Relationship with a passive aggressive person usually don't work out. They will always act the nice guy and attack you when you have your guards down.
He won't stop, he has found your weakness. Give yourself a break, he won't be able to hurt you anymore.
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I think he deserved to hear at least an acknowledgement and acceptance of guilt on your behalf - usually demonstrated by some apology instead of you getting angrier at him or giving him reasons (which he sees as excuses). You may not think it was a big deal but evidently he does. What does it cost to demonstrate to him at least a bit of sorriness?
I think all he wanted to see was at least a small measure of remorse. Seeing as he didn't get that, he reacted with no small measure of frustration. This is love - give twice as much, expect half as much and you'll be happy.
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Don't care la, close to 3 years and he don't understand you. You are already stressed and he should be understanding enough.
And his whole pride thing. Cannot stand it.
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Hi,
I believe he was severely traumatized after that incident happened.
That is why even after 4-5 months he still brings it up.
He feels you did not appreaciate him and did not respect him.
Actually I dont know why your apology and explanation is not sufficient to soothe his feelings.
In your interaction with him, try to apologize sincerely and gently, and not argue in any way. Do not talk back or try to use justifications. Just say yes, yes, agree with him, and say you are deeply sorry and apologize and seek forgiveness.
In this way I hope his hurt feelings can recover.
Anyways your mission is to clear the stumbling block in his heart. So you have to be humble and have to be willing to be gentle and give way.
If he says hurtful words, let him say it, do not try to talk back or defend yourself, and do not counter-accuse. It is only letting off emotions and his hurt, it is not serious.
I hope you succeed.
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break out lo. since he can't get over with it and it will be draging forever.
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In the end, are you more important than his pride?
Did he understand you and you understand him?
If someone treated you wrongly, it does not justify wrong treatment as retribution. It is just a showcase of who has bigger ego and is more mean.
Appeasing him does not means that you "justified" him for paying retribution. It does not mean if you are wrong, he needs to exact "payback" and revenge. If you are in kindergarten, maybe, reprisal makes you feel better. But making someone you love hurt seemed more like a sadistic relationship and it will eventually create a rift.
If you think you should let him run over you again and again further just because you bruised his ego once, be prepared for this to continue in the relationship.
There is a fine line between temper and tantrum. He's throwing tantrums for your temper. Yes, you did wrong, but he did much worse. He can feel bad, he can feel upset about what happened, but he's not giving you chance to make up, then it will be a recurring habit where he use it as an excuse for whatever rubbish he can dish at you.
He will trample you because of 1 mistake, he will do it again and again.
You should give him the cold shoulder rather than appease him.
Think about it.
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alamak we husband & wife for 22 yrs everyday yell at each other
if like yr case he so petty, we long time divorce le
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Originally posted by Dawn510:
Thank you all for taking time off to reply my post.
I need help. I dont understand. What does he want out of it when he brings the matter up again?
-mancha: I understand that I have hurted him. Simply, hearing him out and saying sorry isnt going to help. He asked how are we going to solve this. He doesnt believe in the "let time heal all", he wants a solution. But what's that? He wants to feel like he is appeciated? What should I do?
We didnt do anything after what happen. I just made my group pass me what they had and ended the session. My groupmate shook his hand and thanked him for coming b4 they left.- TTFU and littlemissbonkers: No matter what. I believe that he has a reason to be mad since I did raise my voice at him. Call me stubborn, stupid. But, I wish for it to work.
-strodingerscat: If I have read and understand your intend message correctly. I wish u were here to hear how he questioned me. It wasnt like a casal u know, u hurted my feelings when u...
He was very agressive with his tone and choice of words. I d like to see how u wld handled it, if u feel that defending myself was wrong and made my apology seem insincere.
Thankyou.The thing is... Right now, both of you seem to be justifying your actions by saying the other caused it first.
That isn't being sorry for what YOU did.
You can't apologise for what he did, that onus is on him. And you can never force a sincere apology out of him by trying to say it is his fault for making you shout at him.Two wrongs just... make two wrongs. It doesn't make a wrong a right.
So, just say sorry for what you did sincerely - which is for shouting at him in front of your friends, and not appreciating him despite him waiting for such a long time just to help you. That's all.
Saying sorry without buts is a super difficult skill to learn - but since your post was about how to salvage the relationship - then I suggest it is something both of you CAN start learning. I don't mean this in a patronising way - I am saying this cos it is something I have learnt through my own relationships and is still learning.
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Originally posted by JerryJan:
alamak we husband & wife for 22 yrs everyday yell at each other
if like yr case he so petty, we long time divorce le
everyday yell... you all in army camp?
i not even 10 yrs also not everyday yell....
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First of all, I have to say it's heart warming to see the number of people that are concerned. And once again I thank you all posting your views.
I had told him that I am sick of quarreling before. Letting nature take its course will not work, it will just come back to haunt us wont it?Here's whats happening now:
We havent talked since the last time.I miss him. I wonder how's he doing. But I dont dare to call.
We merely texted, and the content goes like this:Last night
Him: U really got nothing to say?
Me: I do have something to say. I do not wish to do it b4 your test. What time do you end (i meant school) tml?
He didnt reply. I wished him luck for his test tml.Today morning
He asked me if I was in sch and what time do I end, he was done with his exam.
I asked him are we going to talk about it face to face today. He said he's tired. He asked what was it that I wanted to tell him. I told him I dont want to do it over the phone. I asked shall we get a day to resolve this? He said anything. He said he dont know what to say. I asked hows tml then? He said he cnt. We ended the msg as I left to take my test after he finish me luck.
Just like that. I find it painful. How is it possible that we can be so lovey afew days ago and then be so cold now?