Should I get a Divorce?
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Originally posted by similanjiaomycockbig ok:
TS,u have lost ur dignity as a man.u let ur wife control u,u let ur wife do anything she likes to you,she lord over you.she got no respects for your parents,a mother who carried u for 9 months in her tummy,and a father who feed u and sent u to school.what the heck????!!!!!!!!!u say love ia about acceptance and understanding,but do ur bitch wife accept your parents??do ur wife understand how important parents are??parents are irreplaceable,u dumb fucking asshole ungrateful son bastard!!!!!!she dun accept,and she dun understand,that means she dun love you,right u bloody fool!!!!!????do the rite thing u bastard,talk to her,if dun work,divorce her.i hate unfillial ,bastard son like you.i despise you.fuck you TS
so if you know parents are important and they took such pains to bring you up, you shouldn't hide behind a nick and troll the football forums, with nothing constructive like your post above, my friend. This my sincere advice to you and i hope you turn from your ways :)
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Iwannabehappy,
I wouldn't be happy if I am your wife either. You may think you are a great husband, but you're not.. you are dense and have no clue why your wife is unhappy.
First you expect her to help you clean your parents house ? Why? She married you to become your parents maid or your wife?
You rather spend money on music lessons and socialising with your friends instead of renting a nest outside where both of you can enjoy bliss in privacy ? She probably can't even enjoy sex with you because your parents are sleeping in the next bedroom.
You are comfortable with your parents because you've lived your life with them.. you are probably immune to your family's little quirks..and ethics which are alien to her...because She grew up in another family.. differences will be crystal clear in her eyes...
She wants to get out of your parents house because she wants privacy.. you want to keep staying on in your parents house because you enjoy the comfort and conveniences...conflict.. something's gotta give...
Stop trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Stop thinking she can simply blend in with your family because she married you. She is not your family blood.. and she'll never be.
She wants to spend time with you, yet you are more interested in doing something else without her ? She got into a LONELY marriage....why did she even bother marrying you in the first place ?? Love ? really ? 6 months and you are dying to go do stuff on your own? Honeymoon over so soon ???? You totally short changed her, yet you wonder y she's not happy.....
Save the "all by myself" activities for later, after the marriage hit the 20 year mark... When your wife is so sick of seeing your face every morning when she wakes up.....she'll be sending you off faster than you can say "bye honey".
You argue with her because she is not willing to live by your expectations.. ofcors she feels un-valued. Ofcors she thinks she is not good enough for you. Because she feels she cannot be herself and satisfy your expectations at the same time.
If she wants a divorce, she won't need your permission to proceed. Crying divorce is an "Ultimatum".. she is at the end of her road. If you don't want to wake up and work it out.. she can't go on...
Obviously, you've been a stubborn person, and she's been stone-walled too many times.
Open the communication channels and LISTEN.
Maybe YOU are not ready for marriage.
this is subjective....different families have different values. Can't judge from your armchair.
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Anyway, to the threadstarter......your situation is probably what many newly weds face. It can be hell living together.....banging of doors, throwing tantrums, criticising at the slightest of faults. Me and wifey quarreled almost everyday for the first 6-7 months. After countless loud talks and cold wars, we hardly quarrel these days.
Mutual trust is very important and both should love each other's families, make sacrifices here and there and it goes a long way towards marital longevity. Patience and tolerance is very important because reaction, instead of action never gets one anywhere.
Of course every couple should have their own privacy but for her to lock herself up in the room every night instead of going out to chit chat with your parents once in a while just doesnt sound right.
And it's no joke seeing the wife 24/7. Morning to night and then midnight and then morning again. Takes effort and mental strength to keep the romance ablaze. I understand what you mean by wanting to hang out with friends because we should all have our own social life too. My wife thinks differently because she came from a very family oriented environment. Fair enough. After some give and take, she allows me to meet certain friends. No meeting of pretty female friends alone. Ok fair enough...i care about her so i don't want her to feel insecure. I would like to think she'd do the same for me if she were in my shoes.
So end of the day, it's a lot of mutual understanding involved, adjusting of beliefs because if both of you really love each other, it will work out. Don't blame yourself too much if you and her cannot tweak and fine tune eventually. Still, let divorce be the last option....you don't want to spend the rest of your life contemplating the "what ifs".
Hope this helps :)
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
Anyway, to the threadstarter......your situation is probably what many newly weds face. It can be hell living together.....banging of doors, throwing tantrums, criticising at the slightest of faults. Me and wifey quarreled almost everyday for the first 6-7 months. After countless loud talks and cold wars, we hardly quarrel these days.
Mutual trust is very important and both should love each other's families, make sacrifices here and there and it goes a long way towards marital longevity. Patience and tolerance is very important because reaction, instead of action never gets one anywhere.
Of course every couple should have their own privacy but for her to lock herself up in the room every night instead of going out to chit chat with your parents once in a while just doesnt sound right.
And it's no joke seeing the wife 24/7. Morning to night and then midnight and then morning again. Takes effort and mental strength to keep the romance ablaze. I understand what you mean by wanting to hang out with friends because we should all have our own social life too. My wife thinks differently because she came from a very family oriented environment. Fair enough. After some give and take, she allows me to meet certain friends. No meeting of pretty female friends alone. Ok fair enough...i care about her so i don't want her to feel insecure. I would like to think she'd do the same for me if she were in my shoes.
So end of the day, it's a lot of mutual understanding involved, adjusting of beliefs because if both of you really love each other, it will work out. Don't blame yourself too much if you and her cannot tweak and fine tune eventually. Still, let divorce be the last option....you don't want to spend the rest of your life contemplating the "what ifs".
Hope this helps :)
Fighting everyday ? You must be heck of a stubborn man to be fighting so often with your wife.
You see this peace as a truce ? No, she merely buried her resentments and frustrations deep inside, because she is so sick of fighting with you.
In her dreams, she poisons you with the food she serves. She dreams of sticking that knife in your throat while you sleep.
As for TS's wife keeping herself in the room. That just means she is UNCOMFORTABLE with his family. Unless she speaks, we won't know why.
Maybe she was brought up in a family where everyone respects boundaries and privacy. Crossing the boundaries makes her uncomfortable. Maybe, his parents are nosey, overbearing and obtrusive? Too many unknowns.. so it's best not to judge.
How big exactly is the house they live in ? 5 room flat is still too small for 2 families, everyone is on top of each other all the time. There's not much living space for 4 adults.
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A leopard will never change its spot. Get a divorce before the kids comes along and makes it a more difficult process!
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the only thing u can do is DIVORCE.
use the money go find a lawyer and get things settled.
then u can play guitar and no body bothers.
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Originally posted by elindra:
SC the thing is that there are really women who refuse to do housework and it's not because of the lack of trying and totally different from your husband's high expectations.
And there are women who are really extremely difficult as well. Seen a number of those myself and as a woman, I feel like slapping themselves myself sometimes
Anyway, TS has enough different views to come to a conclusion.
Yeah I guess there are really spoilt people around - I had a friend who was dating a girl who complained incessantly before a friend who drove a van gave them a lift in the cargo compartment and no aircon.
Just thought since TS wishes to salvage the relationship.. and he seems like a nice guy :D Maybe hopefully his wifey is misunderstood too!
We keep our fingers crossed :D and hope for the best!
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Fighting everyday ? You must be heck of a stubborn man to be fighting so often with your wife.
You see this peace as a truce ? No, she merely buried her resentments and frustrations deep inside, because she is so sick of fighting with you.
In her dreams, she poisons you with the food she serves. She dreams of sticking that knife in your throat while you sleep.
As for TS's wife keeping herself in the room. That just means she is UNCOMFORTABLE with his family. Unless she speaks, we won't know why.
Maybe she was brought up in a family where everyone respects boundaries and privacy. Crossing the boundaries makes her uncomfortable. Maybe, his parents are nosey, overbearing and obtrusive? Too many unknowns.. so it's best not to judge.
How big exactly is the house they live in ? 5 room flat is still too small for 2 families, everyone is on top of each other all the time. There's not much living space for 4 adults.
Wah you said it's best not to judge....quite ironical right lol. Anyway, me and wife communicate on a heart to heart basis very often and it's very unlike what you have judged!
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
Wah you said it's best not to judge....quite ironical right lol. Anyway, me and wife communicate on a heart to heart basis very often and it's very unlike what you have judged!
Ahhh.. yes... the lies men conjures to comfort them-selves...
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A wife can have your back.
But never turn your back on her.
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
Wah you said it's best not to judge....quite ironical right lol. Anyway, me and wife communicate on a heart to heart basis very often and it's very unlike what you have judged!
It's quite hard to believe you. Sorry.
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First of all, we have to look at the perspective of both sexuality. We must always recognise the pressure on both parties.
Before we start shoving the dirt on one's sexuality...Both are entering the period of finding commonplace. Both parties are working adults. There is no perfect man or perfect woman in a marriage.
We are only listening to the story of the guy here. The guy seemed to be compromising and nice to the girl in his part of the story.
Let me state an example of what happened in mine:
The story of the male: I cooked the dinner as her dietician advised to eat healthier food, instead of appreciating me, she came home and complained that I ate alone first because I was hungry. I didn't know she is going to be very late at work.
The story of the female: Since I am going to be late from work and he's not going to wait for me to eat even after cooking dinner, why bother to cook dinner since I can eat outside and don't have to rush home to finish what he prepared.
Now, my point is both version carry equal weights. It doesn't matter who does the chore. The problem is not the chore. It is about finding the right balance which both parties are comfortable. Don't start measuring the expenses, don't start with the chores, cooking. It is not what she is expecting.
What your wife wants is personal time and personal space with you. What you want is personal time, personal space by yourself.
The moment you talk about the chores, you are judging her with your ruler about acceptable wife criteria. Then you probably made her feel belittled. If you want her to help out at the chores, did you ask for help?
Don't listen to those who are pro-divorce in this forum. Seriously, this is reconcilable and not the end.
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Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:
Yeah I guess there are really spoilt people around - I had a friend who was dating a girl who complained incessantly before a friend who drove a van gave them a lift in the cargo compartment and no aircon.
Just thought since TS wishes to salvage the relationship.. and he seems like a nice guy :D Maybe hopefully his wifey is misunderstood too!
We keep our fingers crossed :D and hope for the best!
FYI : It is illegal to ferry passengers in the cargo compartment.
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
Wah you said it's best not to judge....quite ironical right lol. Anyway, me and wife communicate on a heart to heart basis very often and it's very unlike what you have judged!
why bother?its not like you are marrying her.
sua sua ker lah.
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Originally posted by Frustrated_guy:
It's quite hard to believe you. Sorry.
No worries, frustrated guy :)
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Originally posted by dragg:
why bother?its not like you are marrying her.
sua sua ker lah.
yeh not going to. What's sua sua ker?
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Originally posted by Rock^Star:
yeh not going to. What's sua sua ker?
Live and let die.
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Oh hokkien is it? Sure why not :)
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hi all, so sorry I haven't been reply my own thread. For some reason, the login page got error the past 2 days.
@jojobeach:
Thanks for giving your feedback. I'd love to reply your passionate entries, but i'm afraid i might be too 'passionate' in replying also. I'd prefer that we don't start ranting at each other, so please stop attacking me based on assumptions on my marriage or your own personal issues.
@Nelstar: Your comments have been really constructive, thanks so much. I do want personal time with her. I really do, i love her so much and i really enjoy our time together. However i just feel it's not healthy to see each other 24/7. To recap, i see her at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i see her all weekend.. and sometimes i just want personal space. I did talk to her about it, i just wanted like one evening to meet another guy friend for coffee. it's not even far away, just 5min walk from our place. but somehow it became an issue about my friends are more important than her... ... ... what?!?! okay, i don't mind if maybe she has some issues about my friends, or the fact that she doesn't let me drink any alcohol. But how can she insinuate that she's not important to me!? I'm already dedicated to her the ENTIRE week! she's can't give me 2 hours to drink coffee meh?! which is why it gets a little tough talking to her about things that I want. A small want can suddenly become an issue about not loving her anymore, not spending time with her, or she might even bring up the divorce issue again coz she feels she's tying me down. My gawd... she's so drama.
even during the time that we spend together, i can't do what i want. if she's watching tv on the bed, she expects me to cuddle up next to her and watch her favourite taiwnese idol or some hair and beauty variety show. I can't play with my iphone or use my laptop, coz she'll say i'm ignoring her.
But I still love her. Cause all these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make for her. Perhaps it's in the way we love each other. I'm not saying that she loves me any less than I love her, but it's a differnt way of loving each other that we don't understand. Sometimes it causes friction and threatens to tear us apart... but at least... we're both aware of our love for each other..
It's been a good week so far. the last big argument was 4 days ago. Since then, i have taken some fellow forumers' suggestions to man up and let her know what i want. I even get her to do small things for me around the house, like fetching me a glass of water, or making me a cup of Milo (starting small ya?). so far so good. She's even letting me meet a friend tonight, and I am having lunch with a colleague tomorrow. She was a little disappointed, but I believe it's for our own good.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder ya?
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Originally posted by iwannabehappy:
hi all, so sorry I haven't been reply my own thread. For some reason, the login page got error the past 2 days.
@jojobeach:
Thanks for giving your feedback. I'd love to reply your passionate entries, but i'm afraid i might be too 'passionate' in replying also. I'd prefer that we don't start ranting at each other, so please stop attacking me based on assumptions on my marriage or your own personal issues.
@Nelstar: Your comments have been really constructive, thanks so much. I do want personal time with her. I really do, i love her so much and i really enjoy our time together. However i just feel it's not healthy to see each other 24/7. To recap, i see her at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i see her all weekend.. and sometimes i just want personal space. I did talk to her about it, i just wanted like one evening to meet another guy friend for coffee. it's not even far away, just 5min walk from our place. but somehow it became an issue about my friends are more important than her... ... ... what?!?! okay, i don't mind if maybe she has some issues about my friends, or the fact that she doesn't let me drink any alcohol. But how can she insinuate that she's not important to me!? I'm already dedicated to her the ENTIRE week! she's can't give me 2 hours to drink coffee meh?! which is why it gets a little tough talking to her about things that I want. A small want can suddenly become an issue about not loving her anymore, not spending time with her, or she might even bring up the divorce issue again coz she feels she's tying me down. My gawd... she's so drama.
even during the time that we spend together, i can't do what i want. if she's watching tv on the bed, she expects me to cuddle up next to her and watch her favourite taiwnese idol or some hair and beauty variety show. I can't play with my iphone or use my laptop, coz she'll say i'm ignoring her.
But I still love her. Cause all these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make for her. Perhaps it's in the way we love each other. I'm not saying that she loves me any less than I love her, but it's a differnt way of loving each other that we don't understand. Sometimes it causes friction and threatens to tear us apart... but at least... we're both aware of our love for each other..
It's been a good week so far. the last big argument was 4 days ago. Since then, i have taken some fellow forumers' suggestions to man up and let her know what i want. I even get her to do small things for me around the house, like fetching me a glass of water, or making me a cup of Milo (starting small ya?). so far so good. She's even letting me meet a friend tonight, and I am having lunch with a colleague tomorrow. She was a little disappointed, but I believe it's for our own good.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder ya?
Good to heart you all worked it out.
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Originally posted by iwannabehappy:
hi all, so sorry I haven't been reply my own thread. For some reason, the login page got error the past 2 days.
@jojobeach:
Thanks for giving your feedback. I'd love to reply your passionate entries, but i'm afraid i might be too 'passionate' in replying also. I'd prefer that we don't start ranting at each other, so please stop attacking me based on assumptions on my marriage or your own personal issues.
@Nelstar: Your comments have been really constructive, thanks so much. I do want personal time with her. I really do, i love her so much and i really enjoy our time together. However i just feel it's not healthy to see each other 24/7. To recap, i see her at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. i see her all weekend.. and sometimes i just want personal space. I did talk to her about it, i just wanted like one evening to meet another guy friend for coffee. it's not even far away, just 5min walk from our place. but somehow it became an issue about my friends are more important than her... ... ... what?!?! okay, i don't mind if maybe she has some issues about my friends, or the fact that she doesn't let me drink any alcohol. But how can she insinuate that she's not important to me!? I'm already dedicated to her the ENTIRE week! she's can't give me 2 hours to drink coffee meh?! which is why it gets a little tough talking to her about things that I want. A small want can suddenly become an issue about not loving her anymore, not spending time with her, or she might even bring up the divorce issue again coz she feels she's tying me down. My gawd... she's so drama.
even during the time that we spend together, i can't do what i want. if she's watching tv on the bed, she expects me to cuddle up next to her and watch her favourite taiwnese idol or some hair and beauty variety show. I can't play with my iphone or use my laptop, coz she'll say i'm ignoring her.
But I still love her. Cause all these are the sacrifices I'm willing to make for her. Perhaps it's in the way we love each other. I'm not saying that she loves me any less than I love her, but it's a differnt way of loving each other that we don't understand. Sometimes it causes friction and threatens to tear us apart... but at least... we're both aware of our love for each other..
It's been a good week so far. the last big argument was 4 days ago. Since then, i have taken some fellow forumers' suggestions to man up and let her know what i want. I even get her to do small things for me around the house, like fetching me a glass of water, or making me a cup of Milo (starting small ya?). so far so good. She's even letting me meet a friend tonight, and I am having lunch with a colleague tomorrow. She was a little disappointed, but I believe it's for our own good.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder ya?
OMG. Distance makes the heart grow fonder ?????
Both of you shoulda just stayed as boyfriend girlfriend relationship.
Or I suggest you let her go back to stay with her parents until the DBSS flat is ready. Actually she choose to stay in your parents place because she wants to be close to you...
It's not uncommon this kind of arrangement in Singapore. Living in separate nest. Some of my friends are doing the same, they prefer that than live with any parents, because of parental interference and lack of privacy.
She don't mind bringing you a drink or make you Milo is because it's for YOU..
Try asking her serve the drinks to your parents.. you'd be in for another quarrel...
When you are out with your guy friends.. where is she gonna be ? Stay inside the room in your parents place and wait for you to come home ????
Why don't you arrange to meet your guy friends when she goes out shopping with her friends ???
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I read the first 2 posts of TS, and the last one.
The answer to the question is no.
Sounds like some communications problems. Everything has to give and take a bit. Glad you are both gradually iron-ing the kinks out. Relationships require active effort to make it work.
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you guys still posting on this bullshit thread ah ?
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Make it known to her about your feelings about how stultifying it is for you. However, remember that it is your feelings and you own them. She is merely an excuse and what u are is surfacing: it is reaction from within you. Blaming her is unfair. However, letting her know that she has to assume responsiblity for her insecurities (emotions/feelings) is of paramount importance. She is unwittingly imposing them on you. Hence the misery!
Changing another person never works but changing onself works. Change your behaviour and she would sooner or later get the message(s).
PS ; To stay in a marriage/relationship when one is unhappy onself is making it worse. To deny oneself to be , to express what one is and comporomise spells the death knell of any ....
Look around, many are beggarly within themselves but pretend to give what they themsleves dont have. How can two ... whp are beggarly in love give. It it at its best a mutual benefit scheme (scheming!) and at its worse exploitation of another to fulfil oneself in terms of needs/expectations.
One always assumes that falling in love is with another - the reality is that of one projecting one''s image withing oneself and that of love; of another around that person. It is illusory. Imagine both in the same predicament. Is there a need to go on and elaborate, elucidate?
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
FYI : It is illegal to ferry passengers in the cargo compartment.
eh nope. Nope if you bought insurance for ur passengers who are ur employees :) Then its as illegal as carrying passengers who are ur workers at the back of ur lorry :P