Should I get a Divorce?
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so touching to hear the woes of sg men......
u will have to live with the Singapore Male Syndrome....the system has, for many years, pronounced incurable in favour of women....
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SMS your SMS to the SI MI SYSTEM
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tell her how you feel.
if she really unrepentent and still carry on being possessive and domineering, tell her you cant take it no more. if she still couldnt take your hint, tell her the D word and apply for separation under the grounds of cant get along.
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Err....
Wow......until late this year or next year ?
That is way too long.....
And youve been married for 6 months....that means......already 6 months till now.....
It's too long.....
This will create ever-increasing pressure and unhappiness for your wife.
She is already unhappy and pressurized to such an extent that she tries to avoid having dinner together with the in-laws, and avoid going to living room to watch TV.
If you are her....if you live in this condition, day by day, everyday, how would you feel ?
If you are in this kind of mental state, dont you think you will have bad mood too ?
And this will cause problems and arguments from time to time ?
This may also be the reason she is reluctant to sweep the floor and do other household chores. It is because of lack of sense of ownership. She feels that it is your house or your parents' house.
If something is hers or belong to her, with more sense of ownership she would be more compelled to take good care and maintain it.
Other reason may be because she feels uncomfortable sweeping floor in front of your parents.
etc etc.
My suggestion........why not try to find a cheap place to rent outside....just a small place, quite cheap......financially will be no issue......this will create a major relief for her.....
Please try to pay more attention to this one and not think that it is just a technical matter or something that is already settled.
If she is living everyday in pressure and unhappiness, this is a major mood dampener and it will affect everything else.
By the way, when someone says she wants to separate or divorce you because she is not good enough.......you know what this is.........this is a cry for help......she is also burdened and tired.......and "im not good enough for you" is just a sort of euphimism or indirect polite way to complain about YOU actually.......
I hope you understand about this..........
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Iwannabehappy,
I wouldn't be happy if I am your wife either. You may think you are a great husband, but you're not.. you are dense and have no clue why your wife is unhappy.
First you expect her to help you clean your parents house ? Why? She married you to become your parents maid or your wife?
You rather spend money on music lessons and socialising with your friends instead of renting a nest outside where both of you can enjoy bliss in privacy ? She probably can't even enjoy sex with you because your parents are sleeping in the next bedroom.
You are comfortable with your parents because you've lived your life with them.. you are probably immune to your family's little quirks..and ethics which are alien to her...because She grew up in another family.. differences will be crystal clear in her eyes...
She wants to get out of your parents house because she wants privacy.. you want to keep staying on in your parents house because you enjoy the comfort and conveniences...conflict.. something's gotta give...
Stop trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Stop thinking she can simply blend in with your family because she married you. She is not your family blood.. and she'll never be.
She wants to spend time with you, yet you are more interested in doing something else without her ? She got into a LONELY marriage....why did she even bother marrying you in the first place ?? Love ? really ? 6 months and you are dying to go do stuff on your own? Honeymoon over so soon ???? You totally short changed her, yet you wonder y she's not happy.....
Save the "all by myself" activities for later, after the marriage hit the 20 year mark... When your wife is so sick of seeing your face every morning when she wakes up.....she'll be sending you off faster than you can say "bye honey".
You argue with her because she is not willing to live by your expectations.. ofcors she feels un-valued. Ofcors she thinks she is not good enough for you. Because she feels she cannot be herself and satisfy your expectations at the same time.
If she wants a divorce, she won't need your permission to proceed. Crying divorce is an "Ultimatum".. she is at the end of her road. If you don't want to wake up and work it out.. she can't go on...
Obviously, you've been a stubborn person, and she's been stone-walled too many times.
Open the communication channels and LISTEN.
Maybe YOU are not ready for marriage.
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Originally posted by iwannabehappy:
She knows all this lei. We argue about it all the time. So she knows what I’m gg thru. After each time she will feel guilty and promise to do more. She’s very low self esteem, always saying that shes not good enough for me. Actually shes the one that always bring up divorce, but I really don’t want to resort to that. She also says it in the spur of the moment. After the argument we will be loveydovey again. I dont feel our problems are very big if shes at least willing to try. But after so many months of arguing about the same thing over and over, I’m starting to feel very tired.
This is what I was waiting to see you post. I have come across many females like this. Lose temper, angry, scold people, then afterwards everything normal.
This kind cannot be cured. You just live with it.
Do not take her criticisms, scolding, anger to heart. Just ignore them. Be selective, take good times and enjoy and remember them.
Always treat her nice, and try not to provoke her. Therefore know what she don't like. And when she is upset, talk to her condescendingly.
You love her, she love you, and both of you made the decision to get married. So you got to live with it.
But you must also have some spine lah. Its her nature to bully you, because she can. She would respect more if you be more assertive. But be diplomatic about it. She will throw tantrums, to win, but you also must win some times.
Thats the way its gonna be, hot and cold and sometimes good.
In the long run, you will look back with love.
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Originally posted by jojobeach:
Iwannabehappy,
I wouldn't be happy if I am your wife either. You may think you are a great husband, but you're not.. you are dense and have no clue why your wife is unhappy.
First you expect her to help you clean your parents house ? Why? She married you to become your parents maid or your wife?
You rather spend money on music lessons and socialising with your friends instead of renting a nest outside where both of you can enjoy bliss in privacy ? She probably can't even enjoy sex with you because your parents are sleeping in the next bedroom.
You are comfortable with your parents because you've lived your life with them.. you are probably immune to your family's little quirks..and ethics which are alien to her...because She grew up in another family.. differences will be crystal clear in her eyes...
Stop trying to squeeze blood from a turnip. Stop thinking she can simply blend in with your family because she married you. She is not your family blood.. and she'll never be.
She wants to spend time with you, yet you are more interested in doing something else without her ? She got into a LONELY marriage....why did she even bother marrying you in the first place ?? Love ? really ?
You argue with her because she is not willing to live by your expectations.. ofcors she feels un-valued. Ofcors she thinks she is not good enough for you. Because she feels she cannot be herself and satisfy your expectations at the same time.
If she wants a divorce, she won't need your permission to proceed. Crying divorce is an "Ultimatum".. she is at the end of her road. If you don't want to wake up and work it out.. she can't go on...
Obviously, you've been a stubborn person, and she's been stone-walled too many times.
Open the communication channels and LISTEN.
good luck to the chap who marry you, he needs lots of luck and may god bless him hereafter. why? because he needs more than luck to survive. he may be wondering, just his luck or maybe just desserts
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Originally posted by Rooney9:
good luck to the chap who marry you, he needs lots of luck and may god bless him hereafter. why? because he needs more than luck to survive. he may be wondering, just his luck or maybe just desserts
Judge me AFTER you've lost your virgin. OK ? Good.
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i smell the battle of genders in this thread...
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Originally posted by elindra:
As a woman, all I can say is be a man.
Seriously you are letting her walk all over you. If you are a doormat, she will treat you like a doormat.
Respect has to be earned, but you will never get any giving in to her all the time.
I think you should just turn a blind eye to her black face and nonsense and just go home after work instead of waiting for her.
Just let her know you are going home. Change things slowly, 1 thing at a time. Ask her if she will wait for you for 1.5 hrs and I think you should just be upfront and let her know what a selfish bitch she is and if things are going to continue this way, it will just lead to divorce.
If she doesn’t change, I think you can just jolly well dump her because it’s just not worth it.
i am single and knows nothing about marriage.
but i have to agree with you. he brought this upon himself coz he didnt let his wife know how he feels about the whole situation. obviously they lacked communication.
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Originally posted by Rooney9:
good luck to the chap who marry you, he needs lots of luck and may god bless him hereafter. why? because he needs more than luck to survive. he may be wondering, just his luck or maybe just desserts
sometimes even god can do nothing about certain type of people.
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Kind of like too much male posting here could ultimately shift the whole blame on we, the female, please hor, if TS cannot control and discipline his wife, that aint nobody business, and if sg female is incurable due to the system that brought them up, Please hor, that include your mothers, sisters, nieices and grandmas.
But having said all, sg gal are too pampered, unlike we, the Alisan gals of taiwan, serve our husband very well, work all chores in the house and bring up good childrens, because we believe that once our husband is satisfy, he will work in peace and harmony which in turn bring more money and better career. This is how we are taught from our grandmas, not everyday scold or beat the husband or make problem for him, end up he go works also no mood and become a poor performer, which then end up in my pubs drinking to pass time.
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I'd say communicate your feelings to her first. We are only hearing your side of the story, so it's not possible to tell if she is acting in such a manner because of issues on your part. Not accusing you of anything, but that is often the case.
Go for counselling..divorce is not an option, its a resort, a very last one when all else fails. If you keeping thinking of it as a back door out, it will happen.
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Originally posted by elindra:
No le. I have plenty of friends who stay with their husband's family and they certainly do not act this way.
They help out with the housework, is respectful to their husband parents and they don't have problems eating at the same table.
Yes there are the occasional conflicts but they don't show that much disrespect to the point of outright avoidancewi
Taking about hosework, majority of women are lazy and will rather laze around than help hubby with the hosuework. -
Originally posted by likeyou:
Taking about hosework, majority of women are lazy and will rather laze around than help hubby with the hosuework.
the question goes back to the man, the father, the grandfather, how on earth he bring up his daughter that causes no sg women in singapore do housework anymore?? or ask your leaders?? -
My friensds, my neighbours, told me wife very lazy. Dont want do housework, house dirty also ok.
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Why must women do those house chores ? Just because men don't want to ? What kind of rubbish is that ?
Women nowadays also bring back the bacon.
Men should do the house chores , the wife can take care of the children.
My female friend cook, her husband clean up. She drop off the kids at school, husband picks them up after work. They take turns shopping for groceries.
Marriage/family life is a partnership, not a master-servant relationship.
Must balance responsibility, else the marriage sure end up broken.
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What I mean is housework should share among hubby and wife.Not ons.
Same goes to household expenses. Not ons.
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Originally posted by likeyou:
Taking about hosework, majority of women are lazy and will rather laze around than help hubby with the hosuework.All I can say that your friends and ppl you know when choose to marry never open their eyes big big la
I know some guys like those princess type, of course marry liao also expected to be treated like a princess ma
Actually a lot of times, the guy is asking for it de
How come the ppl I know don't have problems with shared responsibilities? Both wife and husband help out around the house.
End of the day, before marriage if you don't open your eyes to really know the person, marry liao turn out to be a bitch, it's your own fault le
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A decision has been made. The desirable outcome did not materialise.
Give up, and end it all, or make adjustment, so that the outcome would be better.
We should learn from the past. Mistakes, error of judgment, stupidity, etc. are excuses we make when we do not get the desired results. When actually its nothing. It is just something to learn from, so that we can do better in future.
Learn nothing and you are prone to committing the same mistakes again.
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I'll post the honest experiences of an imperfect wife:
I don't like to do housework and I'm not good at it. However, initially i didn't mind doing it. But my hubby had exacting ISO standards and I got tired of getting criticised over how clothes are not hung properly (armpits lined to pole), or forgetting to keep the washing machine 3rd round water for recycling, or drying the sink after washing dishes etc. It just got very tiresome being criticised after you put in the effort to do it. Eventually this became my excuse for not doing it, though I felt guilty lah deep down when I see him quietly do everything for me.
Eventually we had a long talk. I asked him if he could be less critical and at least show appreciation for my efforts? He finally understood it wasn't that I don't WANT to do the housework but I don't know HOW to do it well. But I am willing to learn if he supports me. Instead of merely agreeing that I 'improve', I decided perhaps we needed something concrete and measurable on HOW I can improve.
We picked out 5 specific tasks that I should do weekly, and I focus on that instead of the assumption that I know exactly what needs to be done. Over time, because I had only the 5 tasks to focus on at first, I could improve on the quality and develop my own system of getting things done. It became much less effort for me and a pleasure to greet him from work with something well done. He also makes a point of noticing and encouraging me whenever I have done something well instead of taking it for granted.
I really appreciate my hubby's patience through this time. He put up with an imperfect wife, and instead of just judging me on the surface like most other people "useless pampered princess!! Cannot do housework!", he understood that my intentions were good just that my abilities were not there yet. He was willing to be supportive to help me learn, instead of just being critical for what I cannot do well. Isn't that what relationships are about?Afterall, how many of us get to marry a perfect person? But both will be lucky if we marry someone who can help us to become a better person.
However, having said all these: I think your problems with your wife lies a lot deeper than just housework. It seems that she is very insecure and reluctant to communicate through problems. You might both wish to go for marital counselling to sort out the communication issues without which it is very difficult for the other problems to be resolved.
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Originally posted by elindra:
All I can say that your friends and ppl you know when choose to marry never open their eyes big big la
I know some guys like those princess type, of course marry liao also expected to be treated like a princess ma
Actually a lot of times, the guy is asking for it de
How come the ppl I know don't have problems with shared responsibilities? Both wife and husband help out around the house.
End of the day, before marriage if you don't open your eyes to really know the person, marry liao turn out to be a bitch, it's your own fault le
Totally agree
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if the ego of men is not important, so are the gals virginity or her pride....
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Originally posted by ShrodingersCat:
I'll post the honest experiences of an imperfect wife:
I don't like to do housework and I'm not good at it. However, initially i didn't mind doing it. But my hubby had exacting ISO standards and I got tired of getting criticised over how clothes are not hung properly (armpits lined to pole), or forgetting to keep the washing machine 3rd round water for recycling, or drying the sink after washing dishes etc. It just got very tiresome being criticised after you put in the effort to do it. Eventually this became my excuse for not doing it, though I felt guilty lah deep down when I see him quietly do everything for me.
Eventually we had a long talk. I asked him if he could be less critical and at least show appreciation for my efforts? He finally understood it wasn't that I don't WANT to do the housework but I don't know HOW to do it well. But I am willing to learn if he supports me. Instead of merely agreeing that I 'improve', I decided perhaps we needed something concrete and measurable on HOW I can improve.
We picked out 5 specific tasks that I should do weekly, and I focus on that instead of the assumption that I know exactly what needs to be done. Over time, because I had only the 5 tasks to focus on at first, I could improve on the quality and develop my own system of getting things done. It became much less effort for me and a pleasure to greet him from work with something well done. He also makes a point of noticing and encouraging me whenever I have done something well instead of taking it for granted.
I really appreciate my hubby's patience through this time. He put up with an imperfect wife, and instead of just judging me on the surface like most other people "useless pampered princess!! Cannot do housework!", he understood that my intentions were good just that my abilities were not there yet. He was willing to be supportive to help me learn, instead of just being critical for what I cannot do well. Isn't that what relationships are about?Afterall, how many of us get to marry a perfect person? But both will be lucky if we marry someone who can help us to become a better person.
However, having said all these: I think your problems with your wife lies a lot deeper than just housework. It seems that she is very insecure and reluctant to communicate through problems. You might both wish to go for marital counselling to sort out the communication issues without which it is very difficult for the other problems to be resolved.
SC the thing is that there are really women who refuse to do housework and it's not because of the lack of trying and totally different from your husband's high expectations.
And there are women who are really extremely difficult as well. Seen a number of those myself and as a woman, I feel like slapping themselves myself sometimes
Anyway, TS has enough different views to come to a conclusion.
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You can see how people conduct themselves in different situations.
Simple situation, how people talk to their immediate families, and how they talk to strangers.
e.g. Your brother spill some gravy on to your dress, and an overseas friend spill some gravy on to your dress, how would your reaction be?
People just need to be reminded they need to consider the feelings of their immediate families, just as much as they are considerate to outsiders.
Verbal abuses between spouses sometimes are just overboard. BTW both sexes can be equally abusive.