Being a divorcee in Singapore
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Originally posted by Zweiz:
so? should they tell their wife or not?
You still don't seem to get what I'm saying. Well if you want a reply, I think they should tell their wives, that's just my opinion. But whether they do or not, it's up to them. I was just saying that the examples you brought up, aren't good comparisons to my case (or my problem).If you are relating that to my case, I have already said in all related posts, that I would definitely tell my future partner about my divorced status. I just wouldn't go around telling everyone else.
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Originally posted by Zweiz:
you don't get what i'm saying either. when will you tell your future partner?
on the first few dates? (you might as well not hide it then)
after a certain level of commitment? (good decision - because i wouldn't date a divorcee, and i'm sure the same goes for a lot of guys my age. also, see argument on medical conditions, bankruptcy & stds)
right before rom? (i pray i'll never meet someone like you)
Yea, maybe I didn't get you - what was your argument on medical conditions, banruptcy, stds and such?
Commitment has a lot of definitions so I don't know how to answer your first two questions. But it would definitely not be right before ROM. As for telling on the first few dates, I've in fact told a couple of Asian guys who have strongly declared that they will not get along with a divorcee, about my divorced status before even officially dating them. It was just to let them realise that they needn't waste more time considering me, although I am also interested in them. They would struggle for a while and some would still decide to try afterall. Perhaps like some other forumers said, it's could be due to other qualities, or it could be my personality. But in my opinion, there's no point to that, they are extremely eligible bachelors and there is no need for them to invest time in someone whom they have already ruled out of their criteria in the first place. We are looking for lifetime marriage partners, not a temporary bgr relationship. Another issue is that if I hadn't been married before, guys would have "tried harder". But because of my divorced status, the eligible males would probably think that it is no big deal afterall, should I not show much interest.
I'm not trying to put across any message, just stating my experiences. All right, enough of asking how big is the stigma in Singapore. My next question would then be what causes the stigma among Singaporean on divorcees?
And I have another curiosity. Many people mentioned age when talking about BGR issues on this forum. Do most Singaporean girls prefer guys of their age, rather than guys much older then them? Much older in the definition of 5 to 10 years.
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keep your options open to foreigners also... not just singaporeans... if you think we have such stigma, then keep yr options open to everyone
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Originally posted by Laverne:
And I have another curiosity. Many people mentioned age when talking about BGR issues on this forum. Do most Singaporean girls prefer guys of their age, rather than guys much older then them? Much older in the definition of 5 to 10 years.
if you're dating guys in their late 30s or 40s, being a divorcee isn't as big an issue - the guys might even be divorcees themselves
but if your dating pool is within the 20s or early 30s, you're better off hiding your marital status (again, i don't applaud you for doing so)
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Is divorce (with children) a liability for starting a new relationship?
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Laverne, although you are primarily interested in attitudes towards divorced women, I think there will be other issues as well. These might include:
1) was the ex a white guy? Many asian guys dont like that many asian women feel white guys are better than asian guys.
It's common for Singaporean women who achieved something overseas and return to be like Jamie Yeo- a white guy lover.
2) Are you pretty? Looks are very important, of course.
3) Your attitude. Many westernised ladies talk wayyyyyy too much. Too much open mouth, too little open ear. Also, are you open to less educated men?
4) Your age. The older you are, the more baggage (though that's the same with all of us) Mid 20's is 24-27, but you might really be 27-29. As the poster above said, guys closer to yoru age will prefer, given a choice, to be with an unmarried person.
5) How do you react when certain four letter words are spoken- wash, iron, cook.
6) How do you react to the Mummy boys in SG? Are you patient? Will you provide some guidance for them? The males in SG are not the same as where you came from. Their mummy tells them what to do, so they don't make decisions quickly. They have maids, so they don't have life expereinces and skills most western guys do.
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@Zweiz:
I edited my post after finally having understood what you were trying to say.If you mean by being divorced lowers my chance of getting an eligible guy, I agree that it is true and knew that even before I have decided to divorce. But eligibility does not equate "better" as a person can only be "better" when being compared. What I have shared is only one of a girl's several experiences. It only mentions about lower chances with eligible guys, it doesn't indicate that there are no other possible experience of her already having come across someone "better". Now, back to your statement, who are you comparing the "better sg guys" to then? To foreigners or to the less eligible sg guys?
As to me hiding my marital status just to engage myself to someone eligible, if that is what you arguing for, I think my post explained the contrary – that I wouldn't lie to a guy to gain his acceptance. Besides, there is absolutely no need for that too. Well, read that post again.Actually the issue here doesn't seem to be me justifying for anything. From your previous reply to that point above, it makes me think that it is you feeling unjustified that there are people not openly declaring certain truth that will put her and the people around her in a worse position. Before I rule you out as someone who is merely being petty, you may perhaps simply be thinking that this supposed reason of "protecting her partner" is an excuse for hypocrisy and hence tried to argue against it. In either way, I can't change your perception.
Anyway, I’ll just conclude that you're commenting that younger guys will hestitate to accept a divorcee, to which my last post has already stated experiences that have proven my knowledge on that. You seem more bothered insisting further on your perceived "justifications" instead of replying to my question as to what causes the stigma among Singaporeans. But for someone who so outwardly tells me that my divorced status is comparable to bankruptcy and STDs (whether you truly feel that way or not) there really isn't much room left for further discussions.
*A tip: In the future, before introducing your sister as a divorcee like you claimed to be doing, I'll suggest you to put yourselves in the shoes of your parents. Marriage and divorce involve not just the couple, but the families of the couple. Perhaps your family doesn't have this stigma. Perhaps the whole community already knew that she was married so there is no point in you deliberately not mentioning it. But some families do have a stigma and you never know what kind of family your future partner comes from. You cannot lie to them, but think before disclosing unnecessary things that might cause unnecessary stress to them when they face their community of acquaintances.
@OneWithTheForce:
First of all, thanks. I understand that the point you are trying to put across is that being a divorcee will affect a woman looking for a mate but at the same time, there are other affecting factors too. That was also what most others have been trying to tell me. AKB said something which makes a lot of sense “There will be men who would never marry a divorced person and, on that same whom-won't-I-marry continuum" and a plurality of opinions would not really affect my situation, since I will only be re-marrying one person.
But I'm leaving this thread open for further opinions and discussions. Anyway, thanks again for your post, I see that you have put in effort in analyzing my problem. -
Originally posted by Laverne:
@Zweiz:
I edited my post after finally having understood what you were trying to say.If you mean by being divorced lowers my chance of getting an eligible guy, I agree that it is true and knew that even before I have decided to divorce. But eligibility does not equate "better" as a person can only be "better" when being compared. What I have shared is only one of a girl's several experiences. It only mentions about lower chances with eligible guys, it doesn't indicate that there are no other possible experience of her already having come across someone "better". Now, back to your statement, who are you comparing the "better sg guys" to then? To foreigners or to the less eligible sg guys?
As to me hiding my marital status just to engage myself to someone eligible, if that is what you arguing for, I think my post explained the contrary – that I wouldn't lie to a guy to gain his acceptance. Besides, there is absolutely no need for that too. Well, read that post again.Actually the issue here doesn't seem to be me justifying for anything. From your previous reply to that point above, it makes me think that it is you feeling unjustified that there are people not openly declaring certain truth that will put her and the people around her in a worse position. Before I rule you out as someone who is merely being petty, you may perhaps simply be thinking that this supposed reason of "protecting her partner" is an excuse for hypocrisy and hence tried to argue against it. In either way, I can't change your perception.
Anyway, I’ll just conclude that you're commenting that younger guys will hestitate to accept a divorcee, to which my last post has already stated experiences that have proven my knowledge on that. You seem more bothered insisting further on your perceived "justifications" instead of replying to my question as to what causes the stigma among Singaporeans. But for someone who so outwardly tells me that my divorced status is comparable to bankruptcy and STDs (whether you truly feel that way or not) there really isn't much room left for further discussions.
*A tip: In the future, before introducing your sister as a divorcee like you claimed to be doing, I'll suggest you to put yourselves in the shoes of your parents. Marriage and divorce involve not just the couple, but the families of the couple. Perhaps your family doesn't have this stigma. Perhaps the whole community already knew that she was married so there is no point in you deliberately not mentioning it. But some families do have a stigma and you never know what kind of family your future partner comes from. You cannot lie to them, but think before disclosing unnecessary things that might cause unnecessary stress to them when they face their community of acquaintances.
@OneWithTheForce:
First of all, thanks. I understand that the point you are trying to put across is that being a divorcee will affect a woman looking for a mate but at the same time, there are other affecting factors too. That was also what most others have been trying to tell me. AKB said something which makes a lot of sense “There will be men who would never marry a divorced person and, on that same whom-won't-I-marry continuum" and a plurality of opinions would not really affect my situation, since I will only be re-marrying one person.
But I'm leaving this thread open for further opinions and discussions. Anyway, thanks again for your post, I see that you have put in effort in analyzing my problem.So what's stopping you from finding another good companion?
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Originally posted by Demon Bane:
So what's stopping you from finding another good companion?
Location. I'm a Singaporean and they are foreigners. If I want to return home to establish a family, I should realistically look for a Singaporean. Looking for a marriage isn't simply looking for a companion, it is looking for a partner. It's not about taking random Tom Dick or Harry who can accept you. It has nothing to do with being materialistic either. There are many aspects you have to consider, like family (parents and in-laws), career location of the husband, education prospects of the children, the financial support role of the wife, cultural differences etc. So putting it altogether, it's really most realistic looking for someone of the same nationality and living in the same place as you would like to live in in the future.My only dating experiences with Asian guys are those from traditional countries. Most would definitely hesitate to bring home a divorcee. But upon knowing the girl, some would actually accept it afterall. There are also a handful who are completely fine with issues like that. Still, being a divorcee is definitely not a factor to leave out when taking important issues like marriage into considerations. On top of that, I am a foreigner to them and their families.
So yea...there you have it :-)
Now as to whether being a divorcee will affect my choices, yes it definitely would. But if it's so extremely like some of the forumers claim it to be, it doesn't seem so from my experiences with asian guys from traditional countries. No idea if it's the same with Singaporeans though.
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The mind frame of SG people really suprises me. Lots of bitchiness. As far as i am concern, between two people that loves each other should be no difference if one is a divorcee or have kids but to the outside world. People will look down on you but who cares as you two loves each other.
Good luck in your quest.
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That's why its so important to find the correct partner the first time round.....but people make mistakes....dun punish yourself too hard on this....its not difficult to find a good companion, you just have to have faith and keep looking.
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ya, keep looking, sometime, you are look at one in front right now, but because most guy are blur blur, they tends to miss it, go look around, see can pick up some cans and cardboard ya
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For everyone, there's a Mr. Right out there......dun give up trying to find him! Good luck!
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There is also a Miss Right out there, but my advise is not to look at Miss Right or Mr Right too seriously, otherwise, you may get knock down by a Mr Left's lorry
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Originally posted by Demon Bane:
That's why its so important to find the correct partner the first time round.....but people make mistakes....dun punish yourself too hard on this....its not difficult to find a good companion, you just have to have faith and keep looking.
Originally posted by angel7030:ya, keep looking, sometime, you are look at one in front right now, but because most guy are blur blur, they tends to miss it, go look around, see can pick up some cans and cardboard ya
Thanks.
Originally posted by Hedgehogix:The mind frame of SG people really suprises me. Lots of bitchiness. As far as i am concern, between two people that loves each other should be no difference if one is a divorcee or have kids but to the outside world. People will look down on you but who cares as you two loves each other.
Good luck in your quest.
As for the "bitchiness", I believe most people actually do know the situation isn't as bad as they purposely put it, no matter how hard they try to make it sound bad for the other party. I was pretty appalled at some comments here because I personally haven't even experienced the things they said, and I am hanging out with people from extremely conservative society who all knew about my divorce status. Well it could be that Singapore's situation is different but hmm...I'll see ;)
Originally posted by Zweiz:1. last time i checked, eligibility equates 'better' in terms of marriage (e.g. world's most eligible men) so what's with the wordplay here?
Most eligible men.
Originally posted by Zweiz:3. the question is, when are you going to tell?
4. i accept your opinion of me. you might want to take note that your 'future partner' may have the same response as mine when they learn of the truth after you're done 'protecting him'
Originally posted by Zweiz:(and you WILL get found out)
Answers to both questions in previous posts. Your post seem to sound like you're hoping something like that would happen heh And from all your replies here, this seem to be the only thing you're trying to get to me. So, I'll quote myself again on that one: "The issue here doesn't seem to be me justifying for anything. From your reply, it makes me think that it is you feeling unjustified that there are people not openly declaring certain truth that will put her and the people around her in a worse position."
Ah well...what more can I say then?
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there are too much understanding for divorced women and so much less on divorced men...
one will only get one side of the answers while not understanding the other...
u will deem to fail in future marriage again.....try again
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Originally posted by Fcukpap:
there are too much understanding for divorced women and so much less on divorced men...
one will only get one side of the answers while not understanding the other...
u will deem to fail in future marriage again.....try again
That's only because this thread is started by a divorced woman heh It's a basic courtesy of people who are replying to sound tactful, but it's still common knowledge that when looking for a mate, it's a disadvantage being divorced as compared to being unmarried.Like russiabear, puts it " it will always be a serious disadvantage being divorced if u are involved with a bachelor (never married). again, the patriarchal society makes the reverse less unpalatable." As much as I know it isn't as bad as some forumers tried to make it out to be, I very much agree with what russiabear said.
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Originally posted by Laverne:
That's only because this thread is started by a divorced woman heh It's a basic courtesy of people who are replying to sound tactful, but it's still common knowledge that when looking for a mate, it's a disadvantage being divorced as compared to being unmarried.Like russiabear, puts it " it will always be a serious disadvantage being divorced if u are involved with a bachelor (never married). again, the patriarchal society makes the reverse less unpalatable." As much as I know it isn't as bad as some forumers tried to make it out to be, I very much agree with what russiabear said.
Of course, lah, simply put it, who like a second hand stuff, sure everyone will prefer new if possible. You guys had been talking abt divorced women, what about divorced men, as a gal, we too prefer to meet a guy who have not marry before, and hopefully but hardly, still virgin.
But being second hand does not mean nobody would want you, there are many still going for second hand stuff, as for third or fourth hand, you decide.
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Originally posted by Laverne:
That's only because this thread is started by a divorced woman heh It's a basic courtesy of people who are replying to sound tactful, but it's still common knowledge that when looking for a mate, it's a disadvantage being divorced as compared to being unmarried.Like russiabear, puts it " it will always be a serious disadvantage being divorced if u are involved with a bachelor (never married). again, the patriarchal society makes the reverse less unpalatable." As much as I know it isn't as bad as some forumers tried to make it out to be, I very much agree with what russiabear said.
this kind of topic is sensitive in nature so bound to stir some negative feelings...
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Originally posted by angel7030:
There is also a Miss Right out there, but my advise is not to look at Miss Right or Mr Right too seriously, otherwise, you may get knock down by a Mr Left's lorry
Forget about looking for Miss Right or Mr Right.
There was once a Prince Charlesming or somthing, who found the perfect Miss Right.
Everything about her was right, the child bearing hips, the coy look, the upbringing, etc, she was Miss Right alright.
But the Prince can't tahan her because she is always right and never wrong, and cause the Queen-in-law much anxiety.
Sekali, the Prince strayed, and she also havoc, and finally they divorced.
Therefore a Mr Right and Miss Right are not always the right choice.
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Zweiz are you being an ass because you are obstinate (in which case I'll ignore you) or because you're obnoxious (in which case please accept my virtual middle finger)? Laverne has said she will talk about her previous marriage WHEN it's appropriate for her date to know. how's that unreasonable? Do you go around telling your dates all potential deal breakers that might exist between you and her? First date? If so you're even more a weirdo than I imagine.