Being a divorcee in Singapore
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lucky you, how thoughtful
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i will give one practical explanation for being 'used'. in general, most young ppl who get married in SG will buy a new HDB flat together, and enjoy a grant (discount).
http://www.hdb.gov.sg/fi10/fi10321p.nsf/w/BuyingNewFlatEligibilitytobuynewHDBflat?OpenDocument#FlatFirstTimer
so let's say they divorce later on, sell off flat. find another partner, and marry. this time round, they are 'used' and are considered 2nd timers if they apply for new HDB flat. they will have to pay levy, or else buy open market HBD.
in relation to HBD, there is also a limit to the no. of times you can take a HBD loan (which is lower than commercial bank loan).
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yes, i agreed with you that the word "used" is hurtful and derogatory.
but it is also reflect how some male view divorcee.
dont worry about not putting too much stress on your partner. I have relative who married a divorcee with 2 kids from previous marriage. We do talk about it initially but easily get over it after we know her.
you seem to have a sincere heart and i am sure guys will see through that and accept u. it is only a matter of time but make sure you start grooming yourself too before you enter the dating scene again. most ladies stop maintaining their physique after marriage. sadly to say, most of the time, men are shallow. we judge ladies within the first 5 mins and men will only proceed with courtship if there is slight hint of lust.
Good luck!
Originally posted by Laverne:Thanks for your replies.
It would not matter to me if the reason for objecting to getting along with a divorcee is that she is someone who was "used". A woman is a human, not an object. I know a traditional, patriarchal society sees it as a man's world but nonetheless, appraising anyone basing on "new" and "used" isn't respectful, not even to a bachelorette whom they classify as "new", so let alone using such measures to gauge the value of your life partner.
There are indeed valuable principles of a traditional and even a patriarchal society. I think the main value of patriarchy is the order and harmony it creates within the unit. It should not be about power and dominance. That is abusing the system. I would for instance, understand if the stigma of being associated with divorce is related to the idea of a broken family unit, or a woman who was non-virtuous or not dutiful. I can even understand if there is this discomfort in knowing that the person you're closing a once-in-a-lifetime and sacred ceremony (aka marriage) with, isn't doing it for the first time. But in the case of measuring a person basing a "new-old-discarded-etc" rating, it is simply an issue of the man's character. It is has nothing to do with being traditional. And living with someone of such a character might lead to other complications in the marriage.
Anyway, AFB does have a point in saying that we are marrying just one person at the end of the day, so all the different opinions of the society do not matter. But psychologically, I am affected. It's because when I get into a new relationship and find a great guy who loves me for who I am, I hope I can give him the best too. Hence how the society sees his wife (i.e. me) would be important to me because I would like to be the best possible person he can marry. And the reason why I wouldn't disclose my marital status, since no one at home knows about it afterall, isn't really because of my own reputation. It's mainly so that my future partner wouldn't have to face any unnecessary stress.
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Being single again has many advantages, are u absolutely sure u wanna marry again?
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it depends whether r you single with options or no option at all. LOL...
Originally posted by Demon Bane:Being single again has many advantages, are u absolutely sure u wanna marry again?
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Originally posted by Demon Bane:
Being single again has many advantages, are u absolutely sure u wanna marry again?
yalor, like me, single, book single room, take single seat and eat single scoop of ice cream -
I think it’s not a matter of being „hurtful“, it’s really about the character of a person that might impact your life if you were to lead one with him.
As for being single, sure it has its advantages. But in life we need to do what we ought to do, especially when the time comes for it. I know this sounds like a moral education textbook, but it’s about being a responsible grown-up, forming a family, having a job and contributing to the community. This applies to both men and women. What’s the point of bumping around and wasting time? IMO, a woman’s youth starts to expire by the time she is in her late 20s. Perhaps if I were a couple of years younger, I wouldn’t think much about such issues. Or perhaps it could also be that after having travelled the last years, it just makes me think that I really ought to settle down now. Besides, my parents are getting old and have been asking me to go home and re-marry.
@russianbear: I thought it is usually the women who consider such material aspects of a relationship heh It makes me wonder then, do most Singaporean men consider the financial contribution of the woman when looking for a partner?
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well.....that depends on the costs of living and system frameworks of that country...
u simply can't squeeze one gender in favour of another and expecting an equal society...
that would only create more singles....if the system draws the line so clearly as to calculate down to the very cent a guy should pay...then such enforcement would enhance greater reactionary attitudes and perception by not giving what women want...
a balanced gender policy would go a long way to sustain
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We got Hiliary, Thatcher, Indra, empress wu zhe Tian and that Aussie PM Julia Gillard etc etc who can talk to you much better about balance gender policy.
"You corkerels can cork and cuckoo all you like, but bear in mind, it is the hen that lay you" former British PM, the iron lady M. Thatcher in her speech at Nos 10 Downing street, to all the top guys who thinks that gender equality takes a long time to sustain.
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hahaha well I have nothing against feminist, but the hen needs to know that although the hen lay the cockerel, the other cockerels also play a part.
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Well, I am not sure how singaporeans' perception towards divorce, but I think it is safe to assume that your problem may lie on the older generation aka parents. I think reason for the divorce is also crucial. Is it merely because incompatibility, financial problem, adultery (if yes, on whose part)?
There are also other factors such as....family, career, belief, finance, etc etc
And saying you are 20 something is pretty ambiguous...early 20? or late 20s?
Good luck in finding your love.
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I surmise that the so-called ''problem'' is not that of perception but rather the disease of self-consciousness. Having a porous self or at least being conscious of the ego might have one gravitating towards a different perspective and it is so freeing!
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The state recognise the Marriage Certificate as a legal document. It registers the union of a man and a woman, and the rights associated with such a union.
Divorce dissolves the union and annuls the Marriage Certificate, and all the rights associated with marriage is now squashed and only the rights on grounds of equity remains.
You are the catalyst.
The circumstances surrounding you is what you are concerned about.
What if you have a doctorate, and now have the title Dr. Would that change anything?
Yes, it would. Just as it would if you marry a prince and become a princess. Also if you lost your money and is unable to pay your debts, you become a bankrupt.
These are circumstances changing around you, yet you remain the same.
What do you think of the people who grovel to you when you are a princess and shun you when you are bankrupt?
How do you view people by the way?
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there is ground for equity in a lop sided gender policy
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.............i couldn't agree more with my toes laughing
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Don't blame the law or the judge when your lawyer stammers, and the other side is glib-tongued.
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Laverne there is still a stigma and the ah soh brigade will gossip. The good news is that the stigma has less of a sting these days as divorces become commonplace. Personally I know few who would judge a failed marriage unkindly. most folks understand how challenging a marriage can be so few would cast stones unless you are tiger woods, Larry king or huang yi liang. There you go, local context. I think your issue comes more from within you than anywhere else. Perfectionist? Religious upbringing maybe? A failed marriage can make you a better partner so in that sense you are giving the dude you marry you very best. Well at least the better you with an added benefit of experience. And if you marry a man with broad shoulders, so to speak, he will be able to handle your past with maturity and grace. Just curious, how's it that you are in your mid twenties and you have lived and worked in Europe for many years?
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Originally posted by Laverne:
This is my situation:
I'm a Singaporean girl in my mid 20s who have been living and working overseas for many years. I married and divorced at a very young age. I am once again, looking for a serious relationship that I can form a family with and I would prefer to consider an Asian man, preferbly with a Singaporean as I am looking forward to settle down back home.
I only have one relationship in my life but I've gone on casual dates with a couple of native Chinese expatriates (by native Chinese, I mean PRCs but I find that term discriminating). I don't mind settling down in China since it's nearer to home as compared to Europe or the States but I think I would prefer Singapore ;-) I don't have many friends or relatives in Singapore and neither do I have Singaporean friends overseas. However, I would like to return home to settle down once I find a good job in Singapore which shouldn't be a big problem I believe.
My question is would Singaporean men mind a Singaporean girl who has been divorced before? Is there even the slighest problem with the issue of being a divorcee in Singapore? I was married overseas and never held any traditional wedding ceremony. In fact, almost no one in Singapore knows I was married. Of course if I am in a stable relationship, I will tell the guy about my divorced status, but is it advisable to keep my status as "single" once I'm back home?
(Disclaimer: This isn't an advertistment, I just want to find out about the local situation.)
If you have no kid and only divorce, then it will have no problem finding another suitable life time partner.
Also, you need to be sincere that you are once divorce when you go out with someone you think you can settle down.
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Everybody deserves a second chance. Go for it if you dun want to be single.
This time be more careful in choosing your partner! -
Originally posted by Laverne:
@russianbear: I thought it is usually the women who consider such material aspects of a relationship heh It makes me wonder then, do most Singaporean men consider the financial contribution of the woman when looking for a partner?
sorry for late reply. i spent all weekend watching the "you're beautiful" kdrama.
if the women consider the material aspects and choose a rich husband, then this little titbit offered by the sg gov wouldnt matter, since they will live on private property together.
however, if you are looking at men in their mid-20s when they have probably just started working a few years (no thanks to sg gov for taking away 2 yrs for national service), they would have hardly any savings so the gov titbit is a huge chunk of spare change.
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u r right. i guess 90% of sg guys stay with parents until they get married or they reach 35 yrs of age to get a HDB.
not many are staying alone. renting is not feasible as a room usually cost 600-800 per mth. tt is quite stretching for a fresh grad.
getting a studio apt is almost impossible unless their parents are willing to throw in the downpayment. even so, the monthly mortgages are eating away a huge chunk of their income.
coupled with sg small size, there isnt really a need to move out. that explain mostly why most single guys are living with parents well into their 30s.
Originally posted by russiabear:sorry for late reply. i spent all weekend watching the "you're beautiful" kdrama.
if the women consider the material aspects and choose a rich husband, then this little titbit offered by the sg gov wouldnt matter, since they will live on private property together.
however, if you are looking at men in their mid-20s when they have probably just started working a few years (no thanks to sg gov for taking away 2 yrs for national service), they would have hardly any savings so the gov titbit is a huge chunk of spare change.
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Originally posted by Tama rebirth:
hahaha well I have nothing against feminist, but the hen needs to know that although the hen lay the cockerel, the other cockerels also play a part.
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Well, I am not sure how singaporeans' perception towards divorce, but I think it is safe to assume that your problem may lie on the older generation aka parents. I think reason for the divorce is also crucial. Is it merely because incompatibility, financial problem, adultery (if yes, on whose part)?
There are also other factors such as....family, career, belief, finance, etc etc
And saying you are 20 something is pretty ambiguous...early 20? or late 20s?
Good luck in finding your love.
Rebirth is no good, hopefully you can enter nirvana soon, good luck
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Originally posted by angel7030:
Rebirth is no good, hopefully you can enter nirvana soon, good luck
How about male being divorced ?.... Easier to find another partner compared to female being divorced?
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Originally posted by Demon Bane:
How about male being divorced ?.... Easier to find another partner compared to female being divorced?
Depend on what kind of partner you want, if from those third world countries, no problem, just book on line, pay the fees wait for the bride to be sent to you, if you use DHL or UPL, guarantee arrival.But if you want a lady who is on par or abit lower than you status, or even higher, then you have some difficulties, cos they are pretty demanding, but do not take it as difficult to get such a lady, in fact, you are look at one now, demanding is not a bad sign, is show intelligent and cleverness in them, once you respect them, believe on equal gender foundation, you can get the best partner who can help you financially, physically and be very successful in Life, but sad to say that most guys like to chose and marry down instead of up. Because up till now, a new era of 2011, many men still cannot get rid of their strong male chauvinism, therefore end up, they find it difficult to get a local gal and start looking for cheap gals oversea, and this gals, becos of wanting to improve their std of living and $$, will bow and kneel for any sg man who wish to take them.
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Originally posted by angel7030:
Depend on what kind of partner you want, if from those third world countries, no problem, just book on line, pay the fees wait for the bride to be sent to you, if you use DHL or UPL, guarantee arrival.But if you want a lady who is on par or abit lower than you status, or even higher, then you have some difficulties, cos they are pretty demanding, but do not take it as difficult to get such a lady, in fact, you are look at one now, demanding is not a bad sign, is show intelligent and cleverness in them, once you respect them, believe on equal gender foundation, you can get the best partner who can help you financially, physically and be very successful in Life, but sad to say that most guys like to chose and marry down instead of up. Because up till now, a new era of 2011, many men still cannot get rid of their strong male chauvinism, therefore end up, they find it difficult to get a local gal and start looking for cheap gals oversea, and this gals, becos of wanting to improve their std of living and $$, will bow and kneel for any sg man who wish to take them.
Is it becoming popular for SG men to find wives from overseas? I think only minority leh....got alot of people do that meh?
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you cant be treated like a lady and enjoy gender equality. it doesnt work that way. it like i treat you like a lady, i take your heavy laptop bag, i open the door for you and pay all the meals. yet you want equality when it is to your advantage?
either gals want in or want it out? some sg gals are still reluctant to let go of their asian values yet want to advocate western values.
ang mo guys are smart. when they date a sg gal, they only care about their western values. they do not really bother about wat asian values the gal has. that makes them more appealing as it is a refreshing experience for the gals.
Originally posted by angel7030:
Depend on what kind of partner you want, if from those third world countries, no problem, just book on line, pay the fees wait for the bride to be sent to you, if you use DHL or UPL, guarantee arrival.But if you want a lady who is on par or abit lower than you status, or even higher, then you have some difficulties, cos they are pretty demanding, but do not take it as difficult to get such a lady, in fact, you are look at one now, demanding is not a bad sign, is show intelligent and cleverness in them, once you respect them, believe on equal gender foundation, you can get the best partner who can help you financially, physically and be very successful in Life, but sad to say that most guys like to chose and marry down instead of up. Because up till now, a new era of 2011, many men still cannot get rid of their strong male chauvinism, therefore end up, they find it difficult to get a local gal and start looking for cheap gals oversea, and this gals, becos of wanting to improve their std of living and $$, will bow and kneel for any sg man who wish to take them.