Being a divorcee in Singapore
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Originally posted by BadzMaro:
I dun even want to think about the possibilities of a divorce... nooooo!!!
you not yet marry think of divorce liao meh?? siao -
Originally posted by Demon Bane:
If divorced with children, more difficult to get another new relationship going. Without children easier.....
No lah, in fact if you know how to use them, childrens from first marriage can be helpful to you in your second marriage, childrens can help out in your second marriage as bridegroom boys and bride girls ya. Save cost -
Originally posted by angel7030:
you not yet marry think of divorce liao meh?? siaoIts a mega big step in life ma. Its a decision of my commitment and of course I dont want it to be a failure.
Feaaaaaaar of failure ! I cant take it. lol!
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for failure the begining of success, what is there to fear about failure, if you fear failure, you already fail in life. Ka Ka Chiong, me gal not scare, you scare for what??
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Its the fear of failure that I succeed. Doesnt mean I do not embrace failure. But there are some things you cannot afford to fail ma.
Like marriage.
Like jumping out of a plane with only 1 parachute.
Dun be stupid and only know how to chiong. Sometimes you are just way too over your head liaw la.
Ka Ka Chiong.. Chiong the wall.
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But marriage is not something like an academy examination or a job career or even a driving licence so to speak, where you can succeed if you work hard and smart.
As long as you do your part as a wife or husband, love and care for your partner thru eternity as promised in your marriage vows, the rest belongs to the nature, so what if it end up with your spouse suddenly said, "I want a divorce", you have to take it, dun tell me you go jump down immediately meh?? if so, mortuary will be very busy.
Chiong into wall also at least got chiong mah, everything goes thru experience, without experiencing it, how you know it will not be successful. Got chiong, got hope, no chiong, completely no hope
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Originally posted by Laverne:
This is my situation:
I'm a Singaporean girl in my mid 20s who have been living and working in Europe for many years. I married and divorced at a very young age. I am once again, looking for a serious relationship that I can form a family with and I would prefer to consider an Asian man, preferbly with a Singaporean as I am looking forward to settle down back home.
I only have one relationship in my life but I've gone on casual dates with a couple of native Chinese expatriates (by native Chinese, I mean PRCs but I find that term discriminating). I don't mind settling down in China since it's nearer to home as compared to Europe or the States but I think I would prefer Singapore ;-) I don't have many friends or relatives in Singapore and neither do I have Singaporean friends overseas. However, I would like to return home to settle down once I find a good job in Singapore which shouldn't be a big problem I believe.
My question is would Singaporean men mind a Singaporean girl who has been divorced before? Is there even the slighest problem with the issue of being a divorcee in Singapore? I was married overseas and never held any traditional wedding ceremony. Of course if I am in a stable relationship, I will tell the guy about my divorced status, but is it advisable to keep my status as "single" once I'm back home?
(Disclaimer: This isn't an advertistment, I just want to find out about the local situation.)
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Come on la.. the last thing I will do is kill myself k. lol. So u dont have to worry about it.
Like I said, I have no problems with chionging.
The greatest risk is to risk nothing, if one risks nothing , does nothing, has nothing ;isnothing and becomes nothing.
Marriage is not just an experience man.. maybe to you la. haha. But once I commit, I intend it to be once in a life time. That is all I am saying.
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Originally posted by African Killer Bee:
Laverne, for an obviously intelligent person, you asked a very dumb question. There will be men who would never marry a divorced person and, on that same whom-won't-I-marry continuum, there will be others who would. Even in conservative singapore, you will be surprised by the plurality of opinions. You may argue that, in general, Singaporean men will be less keen than their european counterparts in marrying a divorced woman. But talking in general is useless when you are marrying just one, not a people.
How it will play out for you is also influenced by your own eligibility. J Lo will have her fourth husband if she is so inclined. So if you are young, pretty, rich, and intelligent, you'd stand a good chance in meeting someone who will overlook/accept the fact that you were married. Assuming he belongs to the group of folks who prefer a spouse who were never married.
IMO, you don't have to let a potential mate know about your previous marriage until he becomes so. You will have to make that decision when that point in time is.
I completely agree.TS just go for it, no point holding back, just take your chances.
In fact AFB sounds like a smart guy. You can start with him.
Like what The Bear said, you don't have to hide your past. Just let any potential partner know; you'll be able to seive out the bad nuts and find someone with a big enough heart to share the rest of your life with you.
I'm sure you don't wanna invest time and effort into someone who would eventually reject you once he finds out that you're a divorcee. Just ignore the narrow minded assholes.
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Originally posted by BadzMaro:
Come on la.. the last thing I will do is kill myself k. lol. So u dont have to worry about it.
Like I said, I have no problems with chionging.
The greatest risk is to risk nothing, if one risks nothing , does nothing, has nothing ;isnothing and becomes nothing.
Marriage is not just an experience man.. maybe to you la. haha. But once I commit, I intend it to be once in a life time. That is all I am saying.
for me as gal, i dun expect in today context to be a long life story, if I do get a divorce so be it, if humans finally cannot get together, it is best to part, why drag on with the misery, but after the post divorce, i would had learnt that in life, do not expect everything to last forever, and with that, I might tag along my love life a bit more careful..but if you so hard up and insist that it must last, so be it, if it last, good for you, if it dun, then...too bad. But that does not imply marriage is a risk. Even going back to single again, i would said that, i had experienced marriage life. Unlike some gals who stay single for the whole life and never wear a grown
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i have relatives and friends who dont mind divorcee and married them. at the end of the day, maturity comes into play. do you have a big heart to accept the gal as who she is.
i am one person who dont mind divorcee but i know friends who mind. they felt the gal is "used".
i guess at the end of the day, the crucial point is because why she end up divorce? is it because of infidelity? is it because her character is intolerable that they call it off? Of cuz you will only hear from one side but there are clues to sniff out what went wrong.
:)
Originally posted by Kirin_Rider:
You are not gonna like what i say but you can try promoting yourself as much as possible here but your few paragraphs of self beliefs isnt gonna change the mindsets that has already been deeply instilled into most asian's minds. Fact is, you are used. The only realistic thing to do is to find another guy whom is also a divorcee, talk is cheap. Sure everyone can be an angel here but when it comes to the real thing and thats to marry a divorcee, heaven can become hell. Things like how the family, friends and relatives think or pressure will start coming in and its highly unlikely that you will succeed in your quest unless you are very confident that you have something that every men sought after. Otherwise if you are no more or less different from every other woman, i can tell you your chance is close to zero. -
Thanks zzlee, littlemissbonkers and especially African Killer Bee for your insight.
My next question is to zzlee, define "used".
Is it a psychological stigma against this status as someone who was married before? (Since marriage is supposed to be something sacred and a lifetime committment...it's like normally something you do just once in your life.)
Or is it again, the concept of "virginity"? Would those friends then accept the idea of non-virgins who were never married before?
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Originally posted by Laverne:
Thanks zzlee, littlemissbonkers and especially African Killer Bee for your insight.
My next question is to zzlee, define "used".
Is it a psychological stigma against this status as someone who was married before? (Since marriage is supposed to be something sacred and a lifetime committment...it's like normally something you do just once in your life.)
Or is it again, the concept of "virginity"? Would those friends then accept the idea of non-virgins who were never married before?
Honestly, what's the big deal about being divorced and not being a virgin anymore? Does it really matter in this day and age?
Divorcees are just people who were once married and whose marital relations were terminated.. is it any different from boyfriends and girlfriends breaking up? The only difference is that piece of paper signed at ROM. then again, is that paper really very important?
As for virginity, some guys think they can't accept girls who have lost their virginity.. but what about the guys' virginity? it's ok for them to lose it, but they can't accept the same for their other half?
Being unable to accept divorcees who are no longer virgins is total bullocks. Only shows how ridiculously conservative people are nowadays..
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"used" in this case means the status of having married before. like a used shoe. i know of friends who mind this but i have equal number of friends who doesnt mind divorcee at all.
at the end of the day, like what others had said, it doesnt matter what singapore guys think. as long as you met one who is willing to accept you and love you for whom you are, that is the only thing you need.
last, i can assure you there are tons of singaporean guys out there who dont mind divorcee. So take your time to shop around. ;)
Originally posted by Laverne:Thanks zzlee, littlemissbonkers and especially African Killer Bee for your insight.
My next question is to zzlee, define "used".
Is it a psychological stigma against this status as someone who was married before? (Since marriage is supposed to be something sacred and a lifetime committment...it's like normally something you do just once in your life.)
Or is it again, the concept of "virginity"? Would those friends then accept the idea of non-virgins who were never married before?
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Originally posted by weymas:
Honestly, what's the big deal about being divorced and not being a virgin anymore? Does it really matter in this day and age?
Divorcees are just people who were once married and whose marital relations were terminated.. is it any different from boyfriends and girlfriends breaking up? The only difference is that piece of paper signed at ROM. then again, is that paper really very important?
As for virginity, some guys think they can't accept girls who have lost their virginity.. but what about the guys' virginity? it's ok for them to lose it, but they can't accept the same for their other half?
Being unable to accept divorcees who are no longer virgins is total bullocks. Only shows how ridiculously conservative people are nowadays..
yalor, hardly can find a virgin guy nowaday, if got, YEoW!!! great!!, but even that, how do gal really know he is virgin.Being conservative is not wrong, the oriental concept of keep our virginity till marriage serve us well in our way of life and social discipline but again, how do a guy truly know that his newly married wife is a virgin, we can just add some tomato sauce and said, we are virgin
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Virgin = no experience gals.....boring in the bed....><"
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Originally posted by angel7030:
yalor, hardly can find a virgin guy nowaday, if got, YEoW!!! great!!, but even that, how do gal really know he is virgin.Being conservative is not wrong, the oriental concept of keep our virginity till marriage serve us well in our way of life and social discipline but again, how do a guy truly know that his newly married wife is a virgin, we can just add some tomato sauce and said, we are virgin
being conservative is fine, but being excessively conservative is unacceptable. even if a guy knows his fiancee or wife isn't a virgin, it's no big deal anymore.
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Originally posted by weymas:
being conservative is fine, but being excessively conservative is unacceptable. even if a guy knows his fiancee or wife isn't a virgin, it's no big deal anymore.
True, it more about love than about virgnity, you dun go around courting bf or gf asking about their virginity, that sound silly. But then given option, a guy will certainly want a decent virgin girl from a decent family with good discipline in their upbringing. Likewise a gal like me also wish to marry off to a decent guy from a decent family. -
Originally posted by angel7030:
True, it more about love than about virgnity, you dun go around courting bf or gf asking about their virginity, that sound silly. But then given option, a guy will certainly want a decent virgin girl from a decent family with good discipline in their upbringing. Likewise a gal like me also wish to marry off to a decent guy from a decent family.
sometimes girls who lose their virginity to their ex-boyfriends or ex-husbands, would have expected to be together with that guy for life (generally speaking). so even if they lost their virginity as well as got divorced, it's something that they themselves did not want to happen.so whatever it is, be it your gf/fiancee/wife is a divorcee and no longer a virgin, it's not what happened before that's important.. it's what's going to happen that counts.
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But a society like singapore which is still very much conservative in it behavor tends to differentiate the so call used ones from the new ones. A guy may love a divorcee, but he may have to face family pressure, even tho he careless about what family or relatives said, the stigma of marrying a divorcee (no more virgin) could hamper the family reputation and the so call face ...which is vital in our society no matter what races you are in.
Marriage in our asian culture is unlike the west, to many, divorce is a bad omen, no doubt with western influences and education, the culture had tilted to be more open, but there still exist within asian family values to have their son or daughter to marry a decent good gal or guy who has not marry before, and it is not wrong, morally speaking, that is suppose to be the way. The asian takes marriage as an important occasion and a new lease of life for the newly wedd couples, unlike the west, which is more of a ceremony just to certified both husband and wife, and off they go enjoy themselves.
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i think being a divorcee doesn't matter much to singaporean guys.
what matters more would be whether you have child from the previous marriage.
having a child would really complicate matters, since it would still tie you down to your ex-husband.
and no future-husband-to-be likes a woman with a complicated relationship.
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Originally posted by deathmaster:
i think being a divorcee doesn't matter much to singaporean guys.
what matters more would be whether you have child from the previous marriage.
having a child would really complicate matters, since it would still tie you down to your ex-husband.
and no future-husband-to-be likes a woman with a complicated relationship.
Sure lah, for singaporean guys, any holes also go in first, then talk later. -
Originally posted by angel7030:
Sure lah, for singaporean guys, any holes also go in first, then talk later.can i go into your hole first? =.- |||
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let me sharpen my chopper first
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Thanks for your replies.
It would not matter to me if the reason for objecting to getting along with a divorcee is that she is someone who was "used". A woman is a human, not an object. I know a traditional, patriarchal society sees it as a man's world but nonetheless, appraising anyone basing on "new" and "used" isn't respectful, not even to a bachelorette whom they classify as "new", so let alone using such measures to gauge the value of your life partner.
There are indeed valuable principles of a traditional and even a patriarchal society. I think the main value of patriarchy is the order and harmony it creates within the unit. It should not be about power and dominance. That is abusing the system. I would for instance, understand if the stigma of being associated with divorce is related to the idea of a broken family unit, or a woman who was non-virtuous or not dutiful. I can even understand if there is this discomfort in knowing that the person you're closing a once-in-a-lifetime and sacred ceremony (aka marriage) with, isn't doing it for the first time. But in the case of measuring a person basing a "new-old-discarded-etc" rating, it is simply an issue of the man's character. It is has nothing to do with being traditional. And living with someone of such a character might lead to other complications in the marriage.
Anyway, AFB does have a point in saying that we are marrying just one person at the end of the day, so all the different opinions of the society do not matter. But psychologically, I am affected. It's because when I get into a new relationship and find a great guy who loves me for who I am, I hope I can give him the best too. Hence how the society sees his wife (i.e. me) would be important to me because I would like to be the best possible person he can marry. And the reason why I wouldn't disclose my marital status, since no one at home knows about it afterall, isn't really because of my own reputation. It's mainly so that my future partner wouldn't have to face any unnecessary stress.