Being a divorcee in Singapore
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Originally posted by maxsee:
You really gotta have a deep pocket for local girls...problem is by the time the guys have deep pockets....last thing they want is to get married....
As for guys who disappear into the background, the unassuming ones, the wallflowers and the quiet ones...do doubt they are good men...problem is they are also the ones that earn the least...><"
You just can't have the best of both world......And even if u happen to meet the occassional rare ones...they are most likely hitch....
You just can't have the best of both world......And even if u happen to meet the occassional rare ones...they are most likely hitch....or gay
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Originally posted by PedoBear:
i guess its not really that bad, its just that the local girls had build a really bad reputation around themselvesthe current trend is that if a local girl fails to hook a man before she stops schooling, chances are shes out of luck
heh...you can say that I'm outta luck then for my situation ;-)
I got to keep editing my post because they won't allow me to post within 5 minutes interval.
@russiabear: Define much older. But thanks for your input, I'm looking for realistic comments.
@Kirin_Rider: Once again, I didn't say that I married a European.
@DRC: I doubt divorce rate is so high in Singapore, I don't know of any divorced people myself.
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If a guy loves you for who you are regardless whether you are dumb,blind or ugly, he will be there for you.
Divorce is so high in singapore that it is too common to find a guy that is divorced too.
My advice for you is simple return to singapore to settle down first and find a good job, love can wait.
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why does everyone assume TS run off with a white guy?
maybe she studied in europe and ended up working + getting married there
wtf with the SPG assumption?as to TS
are you saying that singapore men treat you better when they thought you are PRC but singapore women hate you for the same reason?
see, what i said is true, you've experience it yourself
truthfully, what i find is that most local girls are too stuck up for them to successfully find a mate yet they will blame foreign girls for stealing all the good local man (hence their dislike for PRC/foreign women)
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in this topic, you can see the psychological complexes and the self-loathing of a certain denizen....
pardon me but not only is that person's slip showing, i think it's been trampled to bits
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Originally posted by Laverne:
heh...you can say that I'm outta luck then for my situation ;-)
I got to keep editing my post because they won't allow me to post within 5 minutes interval.
@russiabear: Define much older. But thanks for your input, I'm looking for realistic comments.
@Kirin_Rider: Once again, I didn't say that I married a European.
@DRC: I doubt divorce rate is so high in Singapore, I don't know of any divorced people myself.
definition of much older is related to being independent.
since the average male university graduate is 23, he wont become independent until at least 5 years in the workplace. even then, he cant afford his own place. ie. independence in the true sense of it.
from the HDB point of view, only a single aged 35 and above can own a HBD flat. below that, u need to be married.
so i would simplify the definition as 35 onwards.
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divorce are very common...........now you have a child from a broken family standing infront of u
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Originally posted by the Bear:
in this topic, you can see the psychological complexes and the self-loathing of a certain denizen....
pardon me but not only is that person's slip showing, i think it's been trampled to bits
grammatical correctionin this topic, you can see the psychological complexities and the self-loathing of a certain denizen....
pardon me but not only is that person's slip showing, i think it's been trampled to bits
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complexes.. sort of like.. inferiority complex.. overcompensation complex... victim complex.. ahahahaha
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Originally posted by PedoBear:
why does everyone assume TS run off with a white guy?
maybe she studied in europe and ended up working + getting married there
wtf with the SPG assumption?as to TS
are you saying that singapore men treat you better when they thought you are PRC but singapore women hate you for the same reason?
see, what i said is true, you've experience it yourself
truthfully, what i find is that most local girls are too stuck up for them to successfully find a mate yet they will blame foreign girls for stealing all the good local man (hence their dislike for PRC/foreign women)
Sorry I deleted that part of my post, too much details. But yea, you got the story ;-)
I don't think that the local girls are blaming foreign women or whatsoever. It's just discrimination in general. I really think Singaporean girls are fine. They are simple, hardworking and rather capable. Not many asian girls contribute to the family finances but most Singaporean girls do. It isn't easy for a woman you know, juggling both the household and work.
Honestly lah...if a Singaporean guy has a choice between a local and a foreign girl, my advice would be for him to choose the local one. At least local girls are simplier, many foreign girls have other motives when finally deciding to marry a man (whether it's in Singapore, or back in their own countries).
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Originally posted by PedoBear:
why does everyone assume TS run off with a white guy?
maybe she studied in europe and ended up working + getting married there
wtf with the SPG assumption?as to TS
are you saying that singapore men treat you better when they thought you are PRC but singapore women hate you for the same reason?
see, what i said is true, you've experience it yourself
truthfully, what i find is that most local girls are too stuck up for them to successfully find a mate yet they will blame foreign girls for stealing all the good local man (hence their dislike for PRC/foreign women)
how old are you ? I guess you havent seen whats it like outside there, no offence though but i guess you are not into that age group yet but when you do you will find that true love and all that crap you see on tv doesnt exist especially with a local woman and white guys at the end of the day its the hot sex that comes to mind when you group this 2 together. Sorry it sounds harsh but thats what i have seen alot of time.
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anyways
i just call it as i see it,
everyone is entitle to their own opinion
i am just enough of a jerk to speak my mind without fearing any repercussions
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Originally posted by Kirin_Rider:
how old are you ? I guess you havent seen whats it like outside there, no offence though but i guess you are not into that age group yet but when you do you will find that true love and all that crap you see on tv doesnt exist especially with a local woman and white guys at the end of the day its the hot sex that comes to mind when you group this 2 together. Sorry it sounds harsh but thats what i have seen alot of time.
sorry dude, catch no ballyou will find that true love and all that crap you see on tv doesnt exist especially with a local woman and white guys at the end of the day its the hot sex that comes to mind when you group this 2 together = local woman bad?
if you are trying to say local woman = bad, i agree with you cos i find most local women too stuck up to get along properly
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Originally posted by russiabear:
definition of much older is related to being independent.
since the average male university graduate is 23, he wont become independent until at least 5 years in the workplace. even then, he cant afford his own place. ie. independence in the true sense of it.
from the HDB point of view, only a single aged 35 and above can own a HBD flat. below that, u need to be married.
so i would simplify the definition as 35 onwards.
@russiabear: Back to your previous comment once again. You're saying that it isn't advisable for me to disclose my status right at the start. But then, he wouldn't bring me home to see his parents right at the start too, right? Sure, I can understand that there is this..stigma..when you know that the guy or girl has been divorced before. It kinda prevents you from getting to know him or her better. That is why it is better to only disclose that part of yourself until later. Hmm...what's your take on this then?
And most of you guys say that it wouldn't be a problem...would you yourself then even consider a girl who has been divorced before? I don't mean anything personally, just want to know how people really think, if they encounter such a situation.
And @Kirin_Rider: Firstly, you're totally out of point, no one is talking about white men and no one is talking about love or sex here. Secondly, you're having a big (racist) misconception about white men too.
@PedoBear: It's ok. Just my advise, basing on my knowledge of Chinese women. They are definitely not simple girls, although it doesn't mean that they are not nice. No doubt that many Chinese girls I know here in Europe are intelligent, educated and they probably earn more than me and have no intention of cheating people around them, but they are nonetheless, just not simple. Singaporean girls might seem "stuck up" but that's really just it. Beneath this personality, most of them are actually rather simple people. And it's always advisable to marry a partner of the same cultural background.
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The best is singapore government legalising pre-nuptial agreement....this would really helps to encourage more marriage...><"
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Originally posted by Laverne:
@russiabear: Back to your previous comment once again. You're saying that it isn't advisable for me to disclose my status right at the start. But then, he wouldn't bring me home to see his parents right at the start too, right? Sure, I can understand that there is this..stigma..when you know that the guy or girl has been divorced before. It kinda prevents you from getting to know him or her better. That is why it is better to only disclose that part of yourself until later. Hmm...what's your take on this then?
And most of you guys say that it wouldn't be a problem...would you yourself then even consider a girl who has been divorced before? I don't mean anything personally, just want to know how people really think, if they encounter such a situation.
ok. basic guy (and mine) perception is this:
stage 1: see pretty girl, go for her.
stage 2: identify status of girl. if single, good. if divorced, check if got kids, otherwise it's free sex (since divorced sure not virgin)
your response to stage 2 : single
if you dont say you are divorced, you are basically a single girl to guys. so there is no stigma. and the r/s progresses.
at some point, status is revealed. if you already have sex with him, then it probably isnt an issue to him. if you havent then he will feel cheated - he could have had sex with you from day1 but didnt cos he 'respected' you. this can turn messy in the future.
your response to stage 2: divorced
if you identify your status upfront, he can choose to abort or continue (on the basis that he will probably get free sex without commitment from day1). my advice is not to have sex just cos of mutual attraction, if u are looking for LTR. if he chooses to continue even though u are divorced but not going to have sex with him anytime soon, min. 6 months, he is likely to be a keeper.
more later if u interested to ask more...
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The way some dudes post things here just describe one thing: local singaporean male are obnoxious and boarish with no sense of self improvement.
Anyway to TS, everyone has a past, good or bad. I went thru some bad times and bad patches, and so did my other half. Important value is the past is over. You cannot turn back the time, but you can cherish the present walk towards the future.
No matter what type of past, as long as he really loves you, he will find a way out. Parents values wise, as long the son is determined enough, I don't see why he cannot convince them. At least I did. :)
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Originally posted by Laverne:
This is my situation:
I'm a Singaporean girl in my mid 20s who have been living and working in Europe for many years. I married and divorced at a very young age. I am once again, looking for a serious relationship that I can form a family with and I would prefer to consider an Asian man, preferbly with a Singaporean as I am looking forward to settle down back home.
I only have one relationship in my life but I've gone on casual dates with a couple of native Chinese expatriates (by native Chinese, I mean PRCs but I find that term discriminating). I don't mind settling down in China since it's nearer to home as compared to Europe or the States but I think I would prefer Singapore ;-) I don't have many friends or relatives in Singapore and neither do I have Singaporean friends overseas. However, I would like to return home to settle down once I find a good job in Singapore which shouldn't be a big problem I believe.
My question is would Singaporean men mind a Singaporean girl who has been divorced before? Is there even the slighest problem with the issue of being a divorcee in Singapore? I was married overseas and never held any traditional wedding ceremony. Of course if I am in a stable relationship, I will tell the guy about my divorced status, but is it advisable to keep my status as "single" once I'm back home?
(Disclaimer: This isn't an advertistment, I just want to find out about the local situation.)
I don't mind. Just out of curiosity, who initiated divorce? You or the husband?
When I say I don't mind, I mean I don't mind dating you. But when come to marriage, you got to be serious and make sure want to work thing out, not take the easy way out.
I know one fren, he divorce one time also when very young, early 20, but when he go into second marriage, he not happy, same prob again, then he think of easy way out bcause he done before, divorce again at 31. Then at 35 divorce again. Recently 41 marry again.
I am not generalising, but some people who divorce tend to think it is ok to divorce again. I only say that when dating somebody to consider carefully before making decision or else take marriage for granted.
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Dont keep anything as secret especially something as big as a marriage/ divorce......because eventually one way or another he will find out and when he does, it will be a shock especially since you have been hiding that fact. That will make u look bad and untrustworthy.
Best policy is just to be upfront.
Regarding whether it would affect ur chances or not,
Honestly,
It would.
But maybe it is just one of the factors.....other factors like looks, personality, career, etc, also matter, so dont be too discouraged.
Well at least you dont have any children yet.
I believe it is still possible.
But try to see whether you yourself would be willing to enlarge your own choices, meaning.....you should also consider other male divorcees......
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TS do you mind disclosing why you divorced?
For the guys who find that local girls are blah because of some issue, those might be your sisters, cousin, friends. Everything goes both ways, negative attitude don't make anything better.
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I think if you really want to get a real relationship built on trust, being truthful is important
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perhaps ur ex was a caucasian and now u prefer an asian....
watever the case, be forthright about your situation....i dun think any right minded guys would mind if love is what they are pursuing...
the only concern for Sg men is the MATERIALISTIC TEST
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@Julian.khor: Hmm...Divorce is definitely not a runaway-solution. But sometimes we don't have a choice, people make mistakes in life. If you mean dating as in a steady, long term relationship between a couple, yet it is a r/ship that does not have a plan for marriage at all, then I wouldn't even get into such a r/ship in the first place. I am looking to form a family back home in Singapore, not for random romances (there are tons of chances out here in Europe for such romances, but I am not in my teens).
@Veggie Bao: There are different ways of picking your partner, i.e. through sifting out choices because it's time to get married and form a family, or through love. If a very eligible man/woman is gonna pick a woman/man by listing them in an excel sheet and comparing their qualities, then I think being a divorcee is definitely something that would make him/her cross the person out ;-) At least that is the case for some Asian countries like China. I'm not sure about Singapore. But if you're speaking of true love...I think being divorced without children wouldn't really come into question then. Hence I was wondering, how much do Singaporeans actually mind a divorced status.
@shrekho,mistyblue and Fcukpap: Yep and thanks :-)
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Originally posted by Laverne:
@russiabear: About virginity - as I've been out of Singapore for a long time, I wonder if Singapore is still conservative about that issue. I always believe we are, although the rest of Asia have already forsaken that idea. It isn't about reputation, it is about self-respect and virtue. I think a girl should cherish herself regardless of her past, i.e. divorced or not, a virgin or not, she should not easily give herself in to a guy unless she knows that he will be responsible towards her. Despite what the other Asians have told me, I still believe that being a non-virgin out of a failed marriage is an understandable issue, but being a non-virgin for someone who has not been married might be questionable This is really subjective though, perhaps I'm just conservative because up till now, no one has agreed with me. If I have to be honest, one of the reasons why I married so young was because of such an issue. That is why I have never regretted marrying him, he truly loves me and wants to be responsible towards me. My ex is a very good person. Nonetheless it was perhaps a mistake to be together, that was why it led to a divorce eventually. So if virginity is an issue with regards to my status as a divorcee, I think this wouldn't be something that I have to dispute about. Like I said, it isn't about reputation. It's just self-respect and a virtue. As to whether I'll go to bed with a guy early in the relationship, obviously I wouldn't and wouldn't recommend other girls to do that when they are still fresh in a relationship.
about virginity, the world hasnt changed much. those who say they dont mind, oso dont mind multiple partners, and lack the integrity to hold on to a r/s (less motivation to work at it)
virginity is still a man's world. nuff said
about divorce and single status for marriage. it's the norm to want to have the better deal in the marriage. hence old rich man, young virgin (or pretty) girl. so for a family of a single man to marry a divorcee, even without kids, it is pretty tough. unless the family is open. fair trade and stuff like that, even if never said openly.
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Originally posted by russiabear:
about virginity, the world hasnt changed much. those who say they dont mind, oso dont mind multiple partners, and lack the integrity to hold on to a r/s (less motivation to work at it)
virginity is still a man's world. nuff said
about divorce and single status for marriage. it's the norm to want to have the better deal in the marriage. hence old rich man, young virgin (or pretty) girl. so for a family of a single man to marry a divorcee, even without kids, it is pretty tough. unless the family is open. fair trade and stuff like that, even if never said openly.
I agree that regarding the issue of a girl's virginity, we're debating in a man's world. I am conversative too. In reality, most Asian men actually do mind. It's just that most people in other parts of Asia also no longer expects their wife to be a virgin, unless she is their university sweetheart. I am not sure about Singapore now, but during my younger days back in Singapore, most still do expect their wife to be one. Actually I can understand the other asians. Unlike Singapore, the other asian countries are huge and their cities can be hundreds of km apart. The singles do not live with their parents, they have their own apartments or student hostels. When living alone outside, many singles tend to be less disciplined.
My point about virginity was that, it will not be a topic I will bother to dispute about if someone uses that against my divorced status. This is because this isn't something I have to hide, i.e. it isn't an affair or it isn't that I slept around randomly while being young and single. I was married. Chasity isn't about reputation, it's about virtue and self-respect.
As to being divorced and not divorced, sure "unmarried" is definitely a better "deal", if a "deal" is what a person is looking for in a marriage. A more educated wife or a prettier wife also makes a better "deal" for a partner, doesn't it? See my comment to Veggie Bao about listing potential partners in an excel sheet. It's just a matter of, how much Singaporeans in general, mind a divorced status. What I would like to know is that in Singapore's society, is this something that most would definitely not accept, or it is just something that would make them waver when considering a serious relationship with her?