Sexless Marriage & Hubby's Affair
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My marriage has been a stormy one. My hubby had an affair 3 years ago which I have forgiven him. However, recently I saw that same ex-gf smsing him 'Miss you so much darling, miss your hugs and kisses'. I was stunned. He told me that they did not do anything sexual and I had to force myself to believe that. Having 3 kids, I had to endure. However, it has been like 6 months since we last had sex and I am very upset that he seemed really cold towards me. While I cannot divorce due to my 3 kids (age 4 to 10), I have been suffering emotionally and dying deep inside me. I am quite overweight due to births and I am not young, 42 this year. I feel so ugly and unwanted. Is really shattering to feel that my hubby is having an affair while I had to endure. I am a houswife so I am dependant on him. I feel so suicidal.Help!
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chop his dick off.
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I do emphatize with your predicament cos he knows that you are solely dependent on him for the upkeep of the household and the children.
Seeing a family councillor or mediator (or whatever they call themselves) may help and suggestions may be offered and better still is that it would be documented and he would be forced to confront and acknowledge his unwise ways. Some thing ''good'' may come out of this.
As for the emotional turmoil, it is your wanting to change him or wishing that things would be better. Sadly, it is not going to happen. In this instance, what is worse is that he being the sole provider (financially) is leveraging and there is nothing much that can be done excepting leaving the marriage which you feel is not possible. Nobody can change another with words, it is thru one's own behaviour that another may change or is forced to reconcile.
In the event of or should you contemplate divorce it complicates lots of issues from housing matters, to custody, maintenance and last but not least to prove adultery - you have to fork out at least 3- 5k (inclusive of pte investigator to adduce evidence in court.). The court wont listen to anything unless there is solid irrefutable evidence.
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Originally posted by CoolMint:
My marriage has been a stormy one. My hubby had an affair 3 years ago which I have forgiven him. However, recently I saw that same ex-gf smsing him 'Miss you so much darling, miss your hugs and kisses'. I was stunned. He told me that they did not do anything sexual and I had to force myself to believe that. Having 3 kids, I had to endure. However, it has been like 6 months since we last had sex and I am very upset that he seemed really cold towards me. While I cannot divorce due to my 3 kids (age 4 to 10), I have been suffering emotionally and dying deep inside me. I am quite overweight due to births and I am not young, 42 this year. I feel so ugly and unwanted. Is really shattering to feel that my hubby is having an affair while I had to endure. I am a houswife so I am dependant on him. I feel so suicidal.Help!
Coolmint,
Your hubby is hardly to blame for this predicament.
You have neglected to make yourself attractive to your own husband.
Being 42 and having 3 kids is a LAME EXCUSE for not getting yourself into shape.( Unless you are sick or is physically handicapped) you are probably stuffing your face with food as you type.
So you are overweight, yet you expect your husband to still have that physical attraction to you ?? GET REAL.
Will you do the same to him? When he is fat and lazy ? Can you really feel romantic when all you see are mounts of fat on his body around his dick ?
Be real, get off your lard butt and get some exercise.
U are a housewife, when your older kids are in school, take that time you have and go do some exercise.
Take the youngest on a stroller and brisk walk around the neighbourhood or around the park.
Instead of sitting at home and feeling pity about yourself.
I can predict you will blame it on not having enough time. Don't bullshit yourself, because only you will be convinced.
Manage your time properly.
Your own predicament is YOUR OWN DOING you lazy bum.
When you look good, you will feel good, then your husband will also want to have sex with you instead of another woman.
Feeling more suicidal now ?
Don't worry, you don't have to cut yourself or do PAINFUL things to your own body just to kill yourself.
With your overweight situation, HEALTH PROBLEMS will eventually kill you anyway. High blood pressure, heart attack, organ failures, strokes, all weight related illnesses.
You sure you want your kids to grow up without their own mother ? Sure, go ahead then, kill yourself.
Let your husband find another woman, she will be your children's STEPMOM.
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Google online for counselling. Trust me, you're not the only housewife who faced such problems. Google online and see others who have the same problem and how they deal with the situation. Also, try to be independent, this is VERY important. With money in your pocket and self confidence, you can have any guys you want.
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i bet you are pretty ^^
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Sad to say, there is nothing you can do. And life goes on. One day, when you're both a lot older, both a lot more unattractive, and your kids are old, you will come together again to live the rest of your lives out together.
Take good care of your kids and be responsible. When they grow up, they will understand what their family has been through, and what you've been through.
Although there isn't much to do, you still have hope. Three of them to be precise.
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Too late for you...if ure smart find evidence that he commit adultery and file for divorce get maintenance and alimony from him......once love is gone, it is gone....if u continue to pretend like nothing happens it will only get worse....although i hate the woman charter...i do think it should be utilized when it is the man's fault when the marriage break up...><"
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wait till your kids grow up than divorce him and get half of his assets
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Originally posted by dechang:
wait till your kids grow up than divorce him and get half of his assets
why wait? do it now and get half of his assets plus maintenance fees
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Originally posted by maxsee:
....although i hate the woman charter...i do think it should be utilized when it is the man's fault when the marriage break up...><"
the problem comes when it can (and has always been) utilized even when it's the women's fault
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Originally posted by Zweiz:
why wait? do it now and get half of his assets plus maintenance fees
cos now her kids still small. better to let the husband support the kids now than in future when the kids grow up liao than divorce -
Originally posted by dechang:
cos now her kids still small. better to let the husband support the kids now than in future when the kids grow up liao than divorcemum usually wins custody for kids <7 years old, and if you have the kids you can claim maintenance
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also to ts, you may want to visit this forum for more professional/experienced advice (no offense to anyone here)
http://www.singaporebrides.com/forumboard/messages/5/5.html?1292810998
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Originally posted by Zweiz:
mum usually wins custody for kids <7 years old, and if you have the kids you can claim maintenance
no use de.the husband can don't pay maintenance and you can't everytime he never pay than you go to court to sue him.
you don't have the time and money to do that.
so better wait till the husband support the kids until they grow up than divorce. in the meantime, she can poision the kids brain by always saying bad things about her husband(their father) etc to make them hate him..
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Originally posted by CoolMint:
My marriage has been a stormy one. My hubby had an affair 3 years ago which I have forgiven him. However, recently I saw that same ex-gf smsing him 'Miss you so much darling, miss your hugs and kisses'. I was stunned. He told me that they did not do anything sexual and I had to force myself to believe that. Having 3 kids, I had to endure. However, it has been like 6 months since we last had sex and I am very upset that he seemed really cold towards me. While I cannot divorce due to my 3 kids (age 4 to 10), I have been suffering emotionally and dying deep inside me. I am quite overweight due to births and I am not young, 42 this year. I feel so ugly and unwanted. Is really shattering to feel that my hubby is having an affair while I had to endure. I am a houswife so I am dependant on him. I feel so suicidal.Help!
What are your qualifications? Be strong ya. Don't be affected by words of negativity.
My personal recommendation is for you to ensure that you can be financially independent as soon as possible, ie. to get a job first. With regular income, even if not much, you will feel less burden weighing down on you. Right now, you feel you are totally dependent on your hubby, and so feel helpless. You need to solve this sense of helplessness first, then you have more life options.
Being poor is fine, as long as you can live happily. Being comfortable in life, but continuing to suffer endlessly, even though you can improve your situation, is lacking in self-love and that you don't take enough care and responsibility for your own life. You have the right to lead a happy life with your kids. You should do whatever you feel is right to enable you to achieve that. The solution will not be quick, but that option is available for you, if you put in enough effort.
Regards to your external appearance, it has to do with your self-esteem issues. It is a symptom that you are lacking in self-love. Once you decide to stop being a victim of circumstances, and take full responsibility for your own life and happiness, things will improve for you and your kids. Have faith and confidence.
All the best!
Rainbow Jigsaw of Life
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Hello everyone,
I enjoyed to read these different different views. Its really very interesting... Thanks for sharing with us..
Regards
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Originally posted by dechang:
no use de.the husband can don't pay maintenance and you can't everytime he never pay than you go to court to sue him.
you don't have the time and money to do that.
so better wait till the husband support the kids until they grow up than divorce. in the meantime, she can poision the kids brain by always saying bad things about her husband(their father) etc to make them hate him..
ä½ å¥½æ¯’ï¼Œä½ å¥½æ¯’ï¼Œä½ å¥½æ¯’æ¯’æ¯’æ¯’æ¯’ !!!!!!!!!
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I think the first thing you need to do is build up your self-confidence
Start losing weight, take care of your skin, dress nicer and shower your husband with more attention. Men are visual creatures. It’s important to maintain your appearance.
I think the problem is that a lot of women focus so much on their kids that they forget their husband is really a big ‘kid’ too, and when men don’t get enough attention, they look for it somewhere else.
Also maybe start looking for some part-time jobs. Work helps you feel more confident too and less dependent. Also, being a housewife for so long you will have to start working again.
I don’t know your education level or your work skills but usually you have to start somewhere.
If you have any skills that you can fall back on like sewing for simple alterations, it is something you can cash on. I mean after all, you can’t be doing housework and teaching the kids all day.
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most of the time, its only 1 side of the story. why dun u tell us the other side
a relationship dun just break up easily so what is the real reason behind?
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From the short account of the said story on your view point, husband is on the wrong clearly. However not sure if it is the true picture. No doubt, Relationships do break up easily, frequently without any good reasons. Feelings changed, and that is it. Lol, unbelieveable? it is true. A person change bad can be overnight, but to make a person good takes persistent to hold on right morals over years overcoming difficulties, loneliness, etc.. But bad morals drilled into the kids, sink as deep as the bottomless pit. Bad morals are no longer bad to them, just a way of life...lol.. to survive.. So do you really want to talk bad of their father, while you wait for kids to grow up... all becos of $$$$.... lol.. think again...
Assume you are right, that the husband is not faithful to you. And you are really a great wife and did not do anything unfaithful. You should feel great, instead of depressed!
You can seek counsellers, but my bet is that they don't really do much.. you can seek free legal advise.. but you wait 1 month and then short session.. even if they help you anything at all.. if you see the lawyer.. charge you on the session .. hahahaha... So I am telling you that you can't bet them can help you much.
1) Stop thinking you are ugly and fat. Make yourself no fat and pretty. Don't naggy at the husband and pick on things to quarrel with the husband... Be sweet to the husband.. sometimes it is may be becos he felt otherwise... if you try to be a sweet, pretty, understanding and capable wife.. he still want to be cold cold.. then he is "STUPID BIG KID".. why be upset over a stupid big kid...lol.. worst than small kids...lol..
2) Start getting a job.. be independent.. are u able to ask your family members or relatives to help to take care of children (they should step-in and understand your situation)
3) At the same time, prepare for the divorce.. understand that the women charter is for you.. so u will win super big especially if you are right... waht are the things u need, so you ask legal advise so where so how slowly..
4) Once you secure a stable flow of income, and you really try to be a good wife, and he refuse to change after family pressure .. who knows man may repent.. oops.. maybe you wl become a different person when you feel you no need to depend on him anymore.
In difficulties, we have limited choices to take... but when we cross the darkness path of our lives, will we choose to be wicked, when more choices available now.
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Frankly, I am amazed, it is so undignifying to tell another person, in this instance to look pretty, to look sexy. Sad, it is indirectly telling her that she is not good enough.
In other words, one must and can only assume that who do not measure up to one's ideals is a ''failure''.
Frankly, to be rude, Ts used her hubby and he used her, love was never there - it was a mutual benefit scheme and along the way 'things meanings , fulfilment all ended.
The mistake is looking for someone to fulfil, be it in a marriage, a relationship. Two beggars are bound to exploit and prop up with ... it wont last. The discontent would surface.
Some know it some simply ignore or pretend and compromise to keep one's livelihood going.
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She is imagining and hallucinating. She can apply this imagination and hallucination in a positive angle instead like - What she needs is security, she may learn from some cultural way of polygamy system and open her arm widely to receive his ex-gf to be a part of the family. Economically feasible for her as ex-gf also working
but socially undesirable for some 
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Affair is quite common in all middle age men, not just your husband, my place/pubs here got lot of married men coming with women of their own or for women here. These is quite true for middle age men, they tends to look for another kind of enjoyment in life, but then, it is not fair to their wifes and childrens. I had in a way managed to talk to some of these men to go back to their wives, talk it over, and perhap can become better in love and family life again.
As a gal, i must caution you that man are never satisfy, they dun like to stay or do the same thing, they search for excitement and different way of doin things, you can call it creativity or new, but it is their habit, so try to change yourself to suit your husband, like go for a beauty make or dress up, get slim down, engage your husband more often and most important, be jovious, active and steady, men love active and jovious women ya. That is why most look for me, cos I am alway active and jovious
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There is no such thing as "no choice" and nothing last forever.
What do you want for you life and yourself?
Dying is not really a option. Its just an escape.