*!~ Joke of the day ~!*
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the version i heard is
'nice tits'...'so where u wan me to install ___?' -
An Order of Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor, and had a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- two with sausage and meatballs, two without." -
Mean she one shot gave birth to 4 babies????Originally posted by foga:An Order of Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."
The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor, and had a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -- two with sausage and meatballs, two without." -
power sia! 4 babies?!
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hmm...
he 1 shot 4 kills
he's sure a zun ka
Originally posted by Patrik:Mean she one shot gave birth to 4 babies???? -
This a phone conversation between two highly intellectual individuals::
Lee Sum Wan : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Mr.Saw Lee : Yes, you can speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Saw Lee : You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Mr. Saw Lee : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involvedin an accident. Noe wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Mr. Saw Lee : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Lee Sum Wan : You are so rude! Who are you?
Mr. Saw Lee : I'm Saw Lee.
Lee Sum Wan : You should be sorry. Now give me your name. -
Beng and Seng exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove
the key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Beng asked, `Why don't we get a coat hanger to open
it.'
'No, that won't work' answered Seng.
`People will think we're trying to break in.'
Then Beng suggested, `What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the
rubber,
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?'
'No,' said Seng. `People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger.'
The kan cheong Beng shouted, `we'd better think of something fast.
It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!' -
Originally posted by homerun:Beng and Seng exited and locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove
the key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Beng asked, `Why don't we get a coat hanger to open
it.'
'No, that won't work' answered Seng.
`People will think we're trying to break in.'
Then Beng suggested, `What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the
rubber,
then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?'
'No,' said Seng. `People will think we're too dumb to use a coat hanger.'
The kan cheong Beng shouted, `we'd better think of something fast.
It's starting to rain and the sunroof is open!'
-
anyjokes.?
-
CIA Recruits
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes,take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them... /me nods head -
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says,
"Ah, you're an engineer you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with
a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators and there's no telling what
this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies,
"What??? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake - he should never have gotten
down there; send him up here."
Satan says,
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says,
"Send him back up here, or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?" -
zai zai leh..Originally posted by foga:CIA Recruits
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes,take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them... /me nods head
but unexpected that she used to chair and tried to beat him to death. -
Originally posted by foga:CIA Recruits
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes,take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them... /me nods head -
nice jokes....
any more... -
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would
your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you
now.
Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8 and on Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer? -
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the Living Room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.
Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything. -
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
(bbb's fav)
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card. -
Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is
a sick eagle."
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: " No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level!" -
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife wanted ". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : "You can have mine."
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
7. What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." "But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."
WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after her.
When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.
MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap. -
A teacher asked a kindergarden girl named Sue
Teacher: Sue,whats the number after 3?
Sue: Four, my dad taught me them
Teacher: Oh is it?Now what's ahead of 7?
Sue: Eight
Teacher: Very good,your dad had certainly taught u well - finally whats after 10?
Sue: Jack -
Jeff Hill was a man working with IBM and is married,having a little 6 yr old daughter.
One day he was recording a voice message for the auto-teller messager while his daughter was bathing and wife ironing laundry.
Just in the middle of the message there was a little commotion as the daughter finished bathing and came out naked.The message ended out like this:
Jeff Hill : Hi, this is Jeff Hill with IBM
(Female Voice) : Look at you!!! You have no clothes on!
Jeff Hill: I cannot be reached right now and can be contacted by ...... -
repeated 1Originally posted by browniebaobao:Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
(bbb's fav)
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
-
this 1 oso repeatedOriginally posted by browniebaobao:Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
Teacher: "Where were you born?"
Student: "Singapore, Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when you do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is
a sick eagle."
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: " No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' level!"
-
poker cards...Originally posted by ceecookie:A teacher asked a kindergarden girl named Sue
Teacher: Sue,whats the number after 3?
Sue: Four, my dad taught me them
Teacher: Oh is it?Now what's ahead of 7?
Sue: Eight
Teacher: Very good,your dad had certainly taught u well - finally whats after 10?
Sue: Jack
-
LOL...Originally posted by ceecookie:Jeff Hill was a man working with IBM and is married,having a little 6 yr old daughter.
One day he was recording a voice message for the auto-teller messager while his daughter was bathing and wife ironing laundry.
Just in the middle of the message there was a little commotion as the daughter finished bathing and came out naked.The message ended out like this:
Jeff Hill : Hi, this is Jeff Hill with IBM
(Female Voice) : Look at you!!! You have no clothes on!
Jeff Hill: I cannot be reached right now and can be contacted by ......
i wonder wat will happen if his daughter is 20+ and is pretty with nice figure...